Tonight, the house is quiet. I have been working on paper work. And more paper work and then some more. And I am finding it hard to concentrate on any of it. And when I can't find the stamps I just bought I start to cry.
I have piles of important papers everywhere. As the team leader for the trip to Haiti (that I am not going on) I have deposits and itineraries and passport info and travel insurance info to gather and print and put in one place.
I have to file a claim to get a refund on my ticket to Haiti. More papers and they all have to get filled out and signed by doctors...Which doctors? the family doctor?, the Ob/Gyn? the oncologist?? Do I have to contact the airlines...do they?
Then there is the FMLA...whose phone answering system did not function properly...more forms..
The retirement papers...the state sales taxes...the regular bills..
And my mind can not focus on any of it.
The doctor said to expect this. He said it would be hard to concentrate...it is. I just want to throw away every paper in my house and start over...sigh...enough complaining.
The reason I feel a need to share this frustration is because it would not be fair to share my cancer story and make it seem like it was all faith and love letters in the sand. This part is hard for me. I wanted to go to Haiti SO bad. Anyone who knows me, has met me, ran into me at the store, bumped into me on the sidewalk KNOWS that I was counting down the days. My Google desktop a daily/minute/second reminder of the time my flight would leave next Friday. This is hard stuff. This is were my faith could be challenged! But still...still... there is the reminder.. a daughter who honors me with a new tattoo on her arm.. daughters who write their love for me in the way they care for my home and my needs, a husband who stands by me in every way and a God who writes me love letters in the sand...and I know..I know that I know that I know...
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