Going Deeper

I sit here at my computer on on 10 minute break from my 10 minute challange.(See previous post) I gotta say, this is working for me. Now that I am on track and have completed the first challange each day I do it I go deeper. Like today, I had just spent 10 minutes yesterday cleaning the bathroom. The basic stuff, the shower the sink the mirror, the toilet. So that did not need to be done today again. Still I had 10 min. committed to that room. So today I wiped down the fixtures and then had 8 minutes to straighten up the towel shelves and start to clean up the closet. Then, while doing my 10 min. laundry bit I had time to dump out that ever present, ever growing sock bag, make matches AND THROW OUT EVERY SOCK THAT DID NOT HAVE A MATE! I only have to go back in my cycle to the kitchen whick naturally takes more time. I included the porches today and was able to dead head the flowers AND fix the little fountain out there. Now I need to add on the upstairs in to the routine. I jump started my office last night. So many papers- I hate that part. Now before the buzzer rings..gotta go. My 10 minutes are nearly up!

Where's my watch?

For months..ok, for years I talked about being able to retire from the Post Office on Oct 11, 2011. I had a few false starts over the years, near misses or maybe near hits when I almost left earlier. The last time I held out for one last year for a better retirement offer. (Which ended up being less than if I actually left a year ago.) That is not my blog however. This is my blog: I am retired!!!!
In October I was going to hold out for a few extra weeks and just end my time with my departure for my long awaited trip to Haiti. When I received the news of cancer the trip was cancelled and the retirement postponed to avail myself of the sick leave that I would have lost completely otherwise.So basically I went out on sick leave and just didn't go back.  I was operated on on October 10th just one day shy of my original retirement day. My retirement day got switched from October 31 until Nov 30.
Dealing with cancer and having my home filled with my wonderful daughters and grandchildren gave me little time to dwell on this retirement thing. Then Gwenn went back to Haiti and Melody and the girls left for PA and the house was quiet so I dove in to my new reality..for a few days. Then Gwenn and Nick got robbed and Gwenn and the children came in and I postponed the retirement idea for a while.
It is not like I got up early like on work days for the last 26 years. Not at all. But I just didn't have time to redefine what my life would become without punching a time clock.
Right after Gwenn and the children left I was sick so it began to feel like a new normal would never be realized.
 The day arrived! Finally on Monday, Jan 16th  more than three months since my last work day it is sinking in. And I am starting to carve out a plan....Lord only knows about that! I fully understand my time is in His hands. Each day a gift and a blessing. I have dreams and visions. I am excited about tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the next.
Pastor Frank spoke on New Year's day about the scripture "without vision my people perish". (Isaiah) I want to have huge visions and I want to see God bring them to pass.I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to go . I want to teach. I want to share. I want to encourage. I want to live a life of passion for the things that my God is passionate about. I want to minister to my children and my grandchildren. I want to minister to my husband Steve and create a home that is a refuge. I want to have meaningful time with each of my grandchildren. I want to teach them the secrtes of the universe and the secrets of my heart. I want to carry their secrets safely never demeaning them for their childish fears or frustrations.
I want to learn home to cook wholesome, healthy, great tasting food that even Steve will like. I want to learn how to discipline myself in so many areas.
I want to spend time in Haiti. I want to see what God is planning for my company Jacmel Bay (doesn't count as work cause I love it so much :) I want to serve my church and my community. I want to be free to study the Word with woman.....during the DAY time! I want to be free to visit my children, my sister and my sister in law and my aunts and uncles..and the more I type the more excited I am becoming because y'all I AM RETIRED!!!! I have cleaned out my refrigerator, freezer, several cabinets, washed the bathroom floor, started a class on Tues night.. It's real..It's real..It's real!!!!!!!
Ok..where is my gold  watch? I think people get gold watches when they retire. Forget the watch. Who needs a golden watch when you have golden time?

The best Christmas?

After my surgery and as I was starting to feel really good I had all of these good intentions about how "great" Christmas would be this year. I would bake and decorate and have lots of time to work on my business , Jacmel Bay.  I imagined having a party and inviting people into my perfectly clean home with the smells of gingerbread in the oven (as opposed to Yankee candle on the candle warmer.)
Sometimes we need to release our expectations about how things "should" look and gracefully accept how the actually are.
Gwenn came to stay with me after the surgery.She took care of me. Then Melody and the girls came and continued to care for me. When the house was quiet again I started to dive in to projects that have been neglected for years. Thus the start of a "perfect" holiday.Less than a week later Gwenn and Nick were robbed in Haiti and shortly after she was back with the three American children. Let me just say up front that I am so glad to have her and the children here! I have never had a Christmas with these grandchildren.
We had already planned to spend Thanksgiving with Melody and Chris and the girls in PA and had a really wonderful few days with them. Chris even go tickets for Steve and I to go to a play while we were there.Honestly, Melody and Chris are amazing hosts! And what fun I have with Melody and her thrift store/yard sale passion! Evie makes me feel like I am really someone special!
The night before Thanksgiving I rolled over in bed and actually heard a "pop" coming from behind my right knee.The pain can only be compared to childbirth...except it was in my leg :) Thanksgiving AM was spent in the ER and here I am after Christmas and have not had a follow up appointment and still hobbling around and not kneeling down.
All this to say that Christmas was not shaping up how I imagined. Sometimes I felt frustrated by the fact I had not pulled out even half of my Christmas things. Frustrated that while the greens are gathered I still have yet to make my yearly wreath for the front door. Frustrated that while I have bought all of the ingredients for cookies I have not made the first cookie.Frustrated by the pain in my knee not allowing me to move freely. Frustrated that I have not been the "fun" grandmother doing all the holiday "fun" stuff with the grandchildren. Oh sure we did do a bunch of cool things (saw the Manteo Christmas parade for the first time ever!)..but I was not always 'fun'. "Micah...what are you crazy??" , "Josiah, you are too loud!", "Johanna! get down!" , "Nia, not now." , "Nico, you and your brother go watch a movie." , "Pick up your coat...hat...shoes...toys......brush your teeth.....STOP IT!!!!" Not exactly the fun, silly, loving, gentle, and playful grandmother I long to be, once was...hope to be again....kind of grandmother.
 One night when I looked at a Santa Clause mug I told the kids about my own (hated) great-grandmother who kept me and my brother and sister apart from our father when he came to deliver very similar mugs to up after the separation of my parents. Her rage that day separated her from my affections for the rest of her life. I still can not think of one good thing to say about her. I don't know why I told them the story but they have asked to have me repeat it nearly every day. The only thing she taught me is that I don't want to be like her.
In my times of frustration when things are not so 'perfect' I understand how important it is for me to not let my expectations cloud my reality. So what if all the decorations did not get up. So what we didn't make cookies or wreaths. Really..so what!!!
I had a Christmas break through. I was with Gwenn and the children at Gwenn's church Crosspointe in Cary. A song about relationships was being sung. I remember thinking "not very Christmasie but really pretty." And then it came. I felt tears well up as I had this quiet moment to reflect. I found thoughts rushing through my head. "I am alive this Christmas! I did not die from cancer. I did not make Christmas a really bad time for my family by being dead. Gwenn is alive! Nia and Nick and Josiah and Nico and all the other kids!!! Alive!! The robbers did not kill them!Ruby was born beautiful and healthy without the problems that had shown themselves in the pregnancy. Gwenn did not die from staph and Josiah did not die from what ever he had!!We have a home that while messy and small is a haven where my grandchildren feel safe and loved! This in fact is the BEST Christmas ever.

 Well not really, there was one that was better. It was another messy and loud one. It was a Christmas that did not meet the expectations of the family. No cookies or decorations. No wreath. Just a baby in a barn and parents to keep Him safe a warm. Parents willing to do whatever needed to be done to keep their family together. Even if being together meant to be separated for a time as Gwenn and Nick are. Christmas. Not always pretty. But always beautiful.

Thanking God for getting the "stuff" out of the way so I could see His heart.

(Looking at these pictures I think..hmm...maybe I WAS the fun grandmother!)

One Month

I started to blog this brush with cancer on the day that the doctor gave me the news. That was one month (lifetime) ago. My mind can barely wrap around the facts that has been my life in this month. I truly am humbled by the outpouring of love and attention from my family and so many others.They have loved me well. I am blessed. I am humbled by the love of my God.
I have know so many people who walked the cancer road who suffered so much yet held on to their faith.My road has been short and easy in comparison. My heart goes to those who even today are dealing with the questions and fears that I lived for only one month that they are knowing as a new lifestyle.

My nephew's wife Lisa was 37 when she left this world. She did everything right. She went to the doctors early, she modified her diet. She worshiped and prayed and worked and laughed.The last time I saw Lisa was six weeks before she died. She was the picture of healing as she came in the house after shoveling out the house stall. I never knew her to feel sorry for herself. She died with courage and honor and beauty. Four years later the pain for her family is still close. She left three young children.
Why God choose to take Lisa and heal me I will not know this side of glory. But I do know that even in Lisa's death He is glorified. Harder to see to our human eyes maybe but true just the same.
Cancer killed my mother, my father, my grandfather and my uncle. (to name a few) There is a good chance that if Jesus does not return first that I will have to walk the cancer road again. If not in me then in someone close to me. It is just a fact of the fall. I am not claiming it or jinxing myself. It is just a real possibility that I must face. How I choose to face facts of life and death is all that I can control. And I choose life. Life even in facing death. I choose to acknowledge that worry can not add one hair to my head or one day to my life. Everything I am or ever will be is in the hands of my loving Father. This day He has spoken Life. And I rejoice and am glad.
In one month...He rocked my world. I am beyond humbled.

Giddy

Giddy with excitement and smiling at the future! So much to say..later. For now..I am so honored to be the child of a loving God!
On a perhaps lesser note..SO this is what if feels like to get 8 hours of sleep every night for 2 weeks!!!! The air is clear, the breeze is cool, the mosquitoes are GONE and the sun is shinning. SO much to  get done and keep on having to remind myself that I actually have the time to do it!!!!!!
Thanking so many for going to the throne of grace on my behalf. I will die someday but for now God has spoken LIFE!! to Him be all the glory!!!!!

So...this is it.

I sit in my newly redone studio/office space that Melody spent LOTS of hours cleaning and organizing for me. It's like here I am at this great place of new beginnings. And I am. Soon I will be officially retired. I have not set an alarm clock in two weeks. I have lots of business possibilities coming around.It is exciting.
Tomorrow I go back to the oncologist. He will tell me what the next chapter of my life will look like. He in no way controls how this book will read but he knows the title of the next chapter. Seems funny to me that the information that will alter my course one way or another, information that is so important to me, has most likely been sitting on his desk for days....
No doubt he has reviewed it by now....this is the closest to anxious I have been to date. But I still rest in knowing that God is for me and not against me. And...I trust Him...

A Merry Melody

When I first moved to NC sixteen years ago she was my closest and actually only friend. Steve had remained up north to sell the house and Gretchen and Gwenn were in college. So Melody and I packed our bags..and boxes.. and a large truck and moved to Manteo. We rented a small (cold) apartment at Morrison Grove and set out exploring our new life here.

Having ten months without the distractions of a normal life we grew quite close. When I felt discouraged or downhearted Melody would leave me sweet little notes on my pillow or on the mirror. We shared a love for old houses and would drive around and look at every house on the market. There was one old house on Sunny Side that she loved and would make me park outside of it for long periods of time so she could imagine what it would be like to live there. "Can't you just imagine me sitting under that tree and writing my first novel?" Sometimes I wonder if I had bought that house if she would have written that book by now. In those months we talked about her hopes and dreams. We talked about boys and dish towels. She gave me a surprise 40th birthday party and invited our only new friend. Kevin was an eighteen year old surfer who told me I was phat and I wasn't sure if I should accept that as a compliment or an insult. We laughed til we cried when he tried to set up our Christmas tree and ended up using a wire and nailed it to that walls to make it stand up.
When Melody left to go to Fire School in Florida it was hard to let her go and she has not lived in Manteo since. That was a long time ago. When Melody married Chris and moved to PA it was hard to have her so far away. We see each other a lot. We are still very close.
This time of my recovery has been a special time with my Merry Melody. I'm not saying I am glad for my cancer. I am glad however to have Melody and her three beautiful little girls here with me for a more extended stay.
Some times hard times bring their own reward.