Don't Get Me Started

I think considering the events of the last few months that I have held up pretty well. Very well really. I mean I am functioning and not like throwing up or crying a lot and all that. When the earthquake rocked Haiti on Jan. 12th my little world here in NC also shook. To the core. And for that matter it is still pretty fluid. I wanted to be there with my daughter and her family but God would have me serve here by caring for the children when they were evacuated.
Two months to the day after the quake we were rejoicing as a family as baby Johanna was born. Nothing like a baby to remind us of how sweet life is.
Eight days later my earth was shaken again as my daughter Gretchen, (Johanna's mom) was medivacted to Norfolk where she spent nine days in ICU and was on a vent which did the breathing for her.
I have rarely cried in all this. But something happens to me when I worship. It's like my defenses are all gone and my guard goes down and I weep. Today I was interpreting (sign language) the worship time at church. My back was to the platform but as the first song began I heard her. My Gretchen who less than 2 weeks ago was on a vent was singing! Just last night I was thinking of the song "Heart of Worship" by Matt Redman. Part of song says:

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I was thinking about Gretchen's beautiful voice and wondering how it would affect her if she now found it hard to sing. I was thinking about her heart of worship and praying that she would know her value in Christ even is she could not sing like before. But she could and she did. Hearing her stirred such a spirit of thanksgiving that the tears of joy welled up. Deep, deep thanksgiving pulsed though my whole being .
At the same time I am remembering that one year ago this morning I was in a small church in Jacmel, Haiti. I signed the song "Arise My Love" (by Newsong) for the deaf as Gretchen sang it. It was Easter Sunday. I met so many people that morning and was warmly welcomed by not only the deaf community but by others and I found myself longing everyday to go back. This morning I read on facebook that it had rained hard in Jacmel overnight. I thought about the people in the camp and how difficult it must be for them to worship right now. I grieve for them.
The guest preacher was raised as a child of missionaries to Mexico. His dad died I think of malaria when he was still young. How good it was to pray with this man. He asked me something like "What is the ceiling of the emotions you are feeling? What do you really want to see happen?" Wow. So much. I want the suffering to stop. I want my family to be safe. I want the mayor and his men to have radical salvation. I want to be in Haiti. That was a hard question. But I am glad to be asked. I was glad to have someone 'get it' and glad my girlfriend Candy stood with me as we agreed together to see God's hand move.
I realize that I have been avoiding worship and even times of honest prayer since January. I am not yet ready to really open up that gate. I'm doing well. Really, I am. I am just beginning to understand that God wants me to hang out with Him a little more. But I have to set aside some time for this cause it might not be too pretty.