Today I took Evie and Cana to the Aquarium. Well..I didn't actually take them there. Melody did because I am still on the "Denise can't drive" thing for another week. While there we went to Neptune's theater to see the Show. Which Evie promptly informed me was not a "show". Yes ..she was right. It was an educational presentation. Can't fool the daughter of a music promoter. :)
One fact that really touched me was about dolphins. Because a dolphin is a mammal it needs to breath air. When a baby dolphin is born the mother's sisters will often stay with the mom for the delivery. When the baby dolphin comes out the aunts will often help usher the baby to the surface so it can take it's first breath.
What a picture of family. Having my children here during this time has been so awesome. Sometimes I need them to push ME to the surface to catch my breath.
I am so thankful to my God who paints this picture of family. The natural family and the family of Christ.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Survivor's guilt..7 days post surgery
My name was on the prayer list in a local church prayer list. First let me say "I love that!" I love that churches I do not even attend are including me on their list. Next to my name it said : "cancer".
Wow..this has not yet sunk in. I hope it does not have a chance to actually. But somehow..somehow I feel like I am cheating. If all goes well I would have found out I had cancer in my body and they took it out all in the course of a week! Yes, I very much hope that is what will happen here. But somehow it doesn't seem fair. So many people with "cancer" suffer. I mean really suffer. I have not suffered. I have had mild to moderate discomfort for one week. I could not sit down with someone who has cancer and say "I know how you feel." My daughter Gwenn says it is a kind of survivor guilt. Like when she when through the earthquake. Of course it was hard for her but so many had it so much worse it was hard to process the fact that she and all of her family were alive and still had a home.
Interesting enough I have learned of several people who have learned they have cancer since I learned of my own. For those new cases I feel like maybe God can use me to encourage. Maybe that is why I have this blog... I don't know.
On Tues of next week I will get the results..I pray that if I still need treatment that God will be glorified. I pray that if I am cancer free God will be glorified. I pray that I will be a survivor and live to tell His story. I pray that I will be a friend and live to listen to yours.
Wow..this has not yet sunk in. I hope it does not have a chance to actually. But somehow..somehow I feel like I am cheating. If all goes well I would have found out I had cancer in my body and they took it out all in the course of a week! Yes, I very much hope that is what will happen here. But somehow it doesn't seem fair. So many people with "cancer" suffer. I mean really suffer. I have not suffered. I have had mild to moderate discomfort for one week. I could not sit down with someone who has cancer and say "I know how you feel." My daughter Gwenn says it is a kind of survivor guilt. Like when she when through the earthquake. Of course it was hard for her but so many had it so much worse it was hard to process the fact that she and all of her family were alive and still had a home.
Interesting enough I have learned of several people who have learned they have cancer since I learned of my own. For those new cases I feel like maybe God can use me to encourage. Maybe that is why I have this blog... I don't know.
On Tues of next week I will get the results..I pray that if I still need treatment that God will be glorified. I pray that if I am cancer free God will be glorified. I pray that I will be a survivor and live to tell His story. I pray that I will be a friend and live to listen to yours.
Friday, October 14, 2011
A Little Weepy..Overwhelmed..day 12
The surgery went well. I think my recovery is going well. I have around me so many of the people that make me happy. Each with their own gifts and abilities to encourage me! My friends and neighbors, coworkers, facebook friends have sent me cards and flowers, fruit and offered prayers. I am learning to listen to my body and not fight the temporary limitations that I have.
Tonight, the house is quiet. I have been working on paper work. And more paper work and then some more. And I am finding it hard to concentrate on any of it. And when I can't find the stamps I just bought I start to cry.
I have piles of important papers everywhere. As the team leader for the trip to Haiti (that I am not going on) I have deposits and itineraries and passport info and travel insurance info to gather and print and put in one place.
I have to file a claim to get a refund on my ticket to Haiti. More papers and they all have to get filled out and signed by doctors...Which doctors? the family doctor?, the Ob/Gyn? the oncologist?? Do I have to contact the airlines...do they?
Then there is the FMLA...whose phone answering system did not function properly...more forms..
The retirement papers...the state sales taxes...the regular bills..
And my mind can not focus on any of it.
The doctor said to expect this. He said it would be hard to concentrate...it is. I just want to throw away every paper in my house and start over...sigh...enough complaining.
The reason I feel a need to share this frustration is because it would not be fair to share my cancer story and make it seem like it was all faith and love letters in the sand. This part is hard for me. I wanted to go to Haiti SO bad. Anyone who knows me, has met me, ran into me at the store, bumped into me on the sidewalk KNOWS that I was counting down the days. My Google desktop a daily/minute/second reminder of the time my flight would leave next Friday. This is hard stuff. This is were my faith could be challenged! But still...still... there is the reminder.. a daughter who honors me with a new tattoo on her arm.. daughters who write their love for me in the way they care for my home and my needs, a husband who stands by me in every way and a God who writes me love letters in the sand...and I know..I know that I know that I know...
He if faithful..and this is all stuff that is just trying to get me off track..
Tonight, the house is quiet. I have been working on paper work. And more paper work and then some more. And I am finding it hard to concentrate on any of it. And when I can't find the stamps I just bought I start to cry.
I have piles of important papers everywhere. As the team leader for the trip to Haiti (that I am not going on) I have deposits and itineraries and passport info and travel insurance info to gather and print and put in one place.
I have to file a claim to get a refund on my ticket to Haiti. More papers and they all have to get filled out and signed by doctors...Which doctors? the family doctor?, the Ob/Gyn? the oncologist?? Do I have to contact the airlines...do they?
Then there is the FMLA...whose phone answering system did not function properly...more forms..
The retirement papers...the state sales taxes...the regular bills..
And my mind can not focus on any of it.
The doctor said to expect this. He said it would be hard to concentrate...it is. I just want to throw away every paper in my house and start over...sigh...enough complaining.
The reason I feel a need to share this frustration is because it would not be fair to share my cancer story and make it seem like it was all faith and love letters in the sand. This part is hard for me. I wanted to go to Haiti SO bad. Anyone who knows me, has met me, ran into me at the store, bumped into me on the sidewalk KNOWS that I was counting down the days. My Google desktop a daily/minute/second reminder of the time my flight would leave next Friday. This is hard stuff. This is were my faith could be challenged! But still...still... there is the reminder.. a daughter who honors me with a new tattoo on her arm.. daughters who write their love for me in the way they care for my home and my needs, a husband who stands by me in every way and a God who writes me love letters in the sand...and I know..I know that I know that I know...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Soap Box. Day 10/part 2
This blog is for any woman who is 50 years old. Or any woman under 50. Or any woman over 50. Or any man who loves a woman. Or any man who has a wife. Or a sister. Or a mother.
Cancer. And a great hush fell over the crowd.
We have seen the pink ribbons and the cute tee-shirts about breast cancer. We have all heard for years about he importance of breast exams. Both self exams and doctor exams annually. We even have a postage stamp dedicated to raising money for breast cancer research. These are all positive moves. We need to not be quiet about the dangers of breast cancer.
We all know about the importance of a yearly pap smear. I know..this is perhaps a little harder to say out out loud because let's face it..on a good day is it uncomfortable and awkward. Many woman shy away from this test because it is uncomfortable.
But I did all the routine tests. Had a few really uncomfortable breast biopsies that thankfully did not show cancer. I had yearly paps and even the dreaded colonoscopy!All the tests came back negative. So how is it that I sit here 2 days after a hysterectomy to hopefully rid my body of uterine cancer??
I am 2 years post menopausal. Yes, I know this is very personal and some of you..especially men may decide here to stop reading. Your choice..
I felt fine. No reason at all to suspect that a TINY bit of spotting should be something to be concerned about. In fact I almost did not mention it to a PA when it first happened. It seems so minor. Not even enough blood to use a pad. I did mention it and was told this could happen for a while after menopause.
Nothing happened again for several months. Then again.. the same thing. I waited a few weeks and it came again. I went to the Internet and googled "post menopausal spotting". The first hit I got was "any amount of bleeding after menopause is not normal." I went to a new doctor who did a repeat pap and that was fine. She set up a inter vaginal sonogram for me to look further. I thought this would be terrible. It really was less uncomfortable than a pap. This showed some irregularities. I was immediately sent to an OB/GYN for a biopsy of the lining of the uterus. This I will admit was very uncomfortable. In less than a week I had the answer. Cancer. I was shocked. I thought for sure we were going to find some minor easily treated problem.
The same week I got my results back so did the sister of a friend of mine. We were both 55 yrs. old. That is very young for this type of cancer.
Uterine cancer is a very common female cancer. If caught early it is the most treatable female cancer. The uterus is a muscle that holds the cancer in one spot IF CAUGHT EARLY.
That is why I am writing this blog. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought that a pap smear was the end all for female cancers. Women need to listen to their bodies. If we think something 'may' be wrong and a doctor doesn't agree it is ok to question that.
Uterine cancer is most often found in overweight women. Guilty. It is often found in women with hormone replacement therapy. Not guilty. It often can be found in families who have had colon cancer...yep..that's me.
I wait now for the two weeks to find out what next? if anything. I hope/pray that the cancer is gone. So, if you are a woman or know a woman I want to tell you not to be afraid to say aloud what you may suspect. Address it today. Not next week or next month. Make an appointment today. Even if it means you have to cancel a trip to Disney World..or even Haiti.
Cancer. And a great hush fell over the crowd.
We have seen the pink ribbons and the cute tee-shirts about breast cancer. We have all heard for years about he importance of breast exams. Both self exams and doctor exams annually. We even have a postage stamp dedicated to raising money for breast cancer research. These are all positive moves. We need to not be quiet about the dangers of breast cancer.
We all know about the importance of a yearly pap smear. I know..this is perhaps a little harder to say out out loud because let's face it..on a good day is it uncomfortable and awkward. Many woman shy away from this test because it is uncomfortable.
But I did all the routine tests. Had a few really uncomfortable breast biopsies that thankfully did not show cancer. I had yearly paps and even the dreaded colonoscopy!All the tests came back negative. So how is it that I sit here 2 days after a hysterectomy to hopefully rid my body of uterine cancer??
I am 2 years post menopausal. Yes, I know this is very personal and some of you..especially men may decide here to stop reading. Your choice..
I felt fine. No reason at all to suspect that a TINY bit of spotting should be something to be concerned about. In fact I almost did not mention it to a PA when it first happened. It seems so minor. Not even enough blood to use a pad. I did mention it and was told this could happen for a while after menopause.
Nothing happened again for several months. Then again.. the same thing. I waited a few weeks and it came again. I went to the Internet and googled "post menopausal spotting". The first hit I got was "any amount of bleeding after menopause is not normal." I went to a new doctor who did a repeat pap and that was fine. She set up a inter vaginal sonogram for me to look further. I thought this would be terrible. It really was less uncomfortable than a pap. This showed some irregularities. I was immediately sent to an OB/GYN for a biopsy of the lining of the uterus. This I will admit was very uncomfortable. In less than a week I had the answer. Cancer. I was shocked. I thought for sure we were going to find some minor easily treated problem.
The same week I got my results back so did the sister of a friend of mine. We were both 55 yrs. old. That is very young for this type of cancer.
Uterine cancer is a very common female cancer. If caught early it is the most treatable female cancer. The uterus is a muscle that holds the cancer in one spot IF CAUGHT EARLY.
That is why I am writing this blog. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought that a pap smear was the end all for female cancers. Women need to listen to their bodies. If we think something 'may' be wrong and a doctor doesn't agree it is ok to question that.
Uterine cancer is most often found in overweight women. Guilty. It is often found in women with hormone replacement therapy. Not guilty. It often can be found in families who have had colon cancer...yep..that's me.
I wait now for the two weeks to find out what next? if anything. I hope/pray that the cancer is gone. So, if you are a woman or know a woman I want to tell you not to be afraid to say aloud what you may suspect. Address it today. Not next week or next month. Make an appointment today. Even if it means you have to cancel a trip to Disney World..or even Haiti.
A Two Blog kind of Day. Day 10
What a birthday party! The waiting room filled with family and friends! Cards and greetings and love pouring down! This was a wonderful birthday! Hopefully leaving cancer behind as I go into this new year is a wonderful gift from God.
Ok..so I don't know yet if that is the case. But in this waiting room I choose to believe that the future looks bright. If I have other treatments to deal with that when it comes.For now..it's pain meds and full makeovers :)
Yes..I had glamour shots today thanks to my daughter Gwenn. As silly as it feels to be sitting here with full 'wedding' makeup it's fun. It's great to have a light heart. I am richly blessed! This afternoon Gretchen will bring over her babies to visit me. Katie has been working on a surprise for me ( I hope she brings it!) And I look forward to Melody arriving with her 3 babies sometime this week! Steve has been taking care of me as well. Selah sisters are bringing dinner tonight.Flowers just arrived at my door! It makes me so grateful. It also makes me so aware of those who don't have the support group around them that I have.
Now on the other hand..lest you think life is all "sunshine and lolipops'...this physically hurts more than i expected. I hate taking narcotics and can't imagine why anyone would use them for fun! BUT I am thankful to live in a country where they are available and I am thankful for health insurance that makes them more attainable.
I am remained of two years ago when Gwenn and Nick were staying in Port-Au-Prince for language school. Woody, a young teen from Jacmel was hurt in a moto accident. His leg was broken in 2 places and because it was very difficult for his parents to make the trip over the mountain every day Gwenn became a care-giver for Woody. His leg was in traction using a milk bottle filled with water as a weight for the traction. Gwenn had to feed and bathe this young man as well as provide everything he needed while in the hospital. (food ,hygiene ect.)Nurses were not responsible to care for hygiene or toileting. Even though I did not have the best nursing care while in the hospital I had great care compared to what Woody had in Haiti. We in America do not really understand how blessed we are as a nation. It health care equal? No. Some people are 'more equal' than others. But even the worst that we have to offer in the US is still far better than the best to be offered in some other countries. This is not a 'soap box' moment..simply a statement of fact. We need to be thankful. I am thankful.
Ok..so I don't know yet if that is the case. But in this waiting room I choose to believe that the future looks bright. If I have other treatments to deal with that when it comes.For now..it's pain meds and full makeovers :)
Yes..I had glamour shots today thanks to my daughter Gwenn. As silly as it feels to be sitting here with full 'wedding' makeup it's fun. It's great to have a light heart. I am richly blessed! This afternoon Gretchen will bring over her babies to visit me. Katie has been working on a surprise for me ( I hope she brings it!) And I look forward to Melody arriving with her 3 babies sometime this week! Steve has been taking care of me as well. Selah sisters are bringing dinner tonight.Flowers just arrived at my door! It makes me so grateful. It also makes me so aware of those who don't have the support group around them that I have.
Now on the other hand..lest you think life is all "sunshine and lolipops'...this physically hurts more than i expected. I hate taking narcotics and can't imagine why anyone would use them for fun! BUT I am thankful to live in a country where they are available and I am thankful for health insurance that makes them more attainable.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A Birthday Party- Day 7
So my birthday party is shaping up to be quite an event! I wonder how many of my family will get kicked out of the waiting room for their raucous behaviour!
All these people that are coming..well I've told them they don't need to be there. BUT I am blessed that they will be. When there is a wound in our physical body the white blood cells rush in to do battle with the germs that are trying to attack the body. So it is with the Body of Christ. I am humbled by the outpouring of love and support for me and my family. And I am deeply grateful to God for placing me in this circle of encouragement.
Time and time again God has whispered His thoughts to me and time and time again He has sent others in to speak those thoughts out loud so I would be sure to hear them. To be alone would surly be worse than the cancer itself.
I want to live. I am excited about the future. I believe that I will be completely healed. If I an not..it does not change my faith at all. When I came home from my first trip to Haiti in the Spring of 2009 I wrote a blog about The Solid Rock . That rock has not shifted since then. It did not shift when the earth quaked and it did not shift when Gretchen nearly died. The rock is solid. It was, it is and it will be solid.
I have no doubt that I have faced and am facing an attack of the enemy. He can't have a victory. I do not acknowledge any power he may think his has on my life. I am a child of God. He created me in Christ Jesus before I was born. Jesus fights my battles. So tomorrow.. if you pray for me...do it in praise and thanksgiving. Believers, worship Him. Non believers ask Him to show you what this means. Pray that all of us would have divine appointments tomorrow! Make us ready to meet those appointments. If you have the time to listen to the song I posted on my blog earlier today, listen to it. All nine minutes of it and pray with me. It would be great if you could do it at 10 AM..
Thank you for walking this path with me. Looking forward to see the Hand of God revealed!
All these people that are coming..well I've told them they don't need to be there. BUT I am blessed that they will be. When there is a wound in our physical body the white blood cells rush in to do battle with the germs that are trying to attack the body. So it is with the Body of Christ. I am humbled by the outpouring of love and support for me and my family. And I am deeply grateful to God for placing me in this circle of encouragement.
Time and time again God has whispered His thoughts to me and time and time again He has sent others in to speak those thoughts out loud so I would be sure to hear them. To be alone would surly be worse than the cancer itself.
I want to live. I am excited about the future. I believe that I will be completely healed. If I an not..it does not change my faith at all. When I came home from my first trip to Haiti in the Spring of 2009 I wrote a blog about The Solid Rock . That rock has not shifted since then. It did not shift when the earth quaked and it did not shift when Gretchen nearly died. The rock is solid. It was, it is and it will be solid.
I have no doubt that I have faced and am facing an attack of the enemy. He can't have a victory. I do not acknowledge any power he may think his has on my life. I am a child of God. He created me in Christ Jesus before I was born. Jesus fights my battles. So tomorrow.. if you pray for me...do it in praise and thanksgiving. Believers, worship Him. Non believers ask Him to show you what this means. Pray that all of us would have divine appointments tomorrow! Make us ready to meet those appointments. If you have the time to listen to the song I posted on my blog earlier today, listen to it. All nine minutes of it and pray with me. It would be great if you could do it at 10 AM..
Thank you for walking this path with me. Looking forward to see the Hand of God revealed!
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