I think it will take me a while to really understand that I am finished working for the Postal Service. When I started I was the mother of three young daughters. In fact, Melody was still in nursery school! Now she is the mother of three daughters!
I had walked into the Post Office one morning to get my mail and Mrs. Kuhl the Postmaster said to me "You want a job?" I said "Sure". Here I am 25 years later, the grandmother of a whole mess of kids and ready to start the next chapter of the book of my life that my God is writing.
I admit as nice as it was to be honored by my coworkers it still was bitter sweet. But I am still believing in hope for the future. And I am praying that this will one day be remembered as "water gone by".
Today I was thinking about the fact that I know God will be glorified in this. Then I remembered a dog we had named Nutmeg. She was from the pound and the policy was that all female dogs must be spade. So we paid our $54.00 special rate and brought her to the vet. When we went to pick her up they said that after they opened her up they discovered she had already been spade!
Wouldn't it be cool if the doctors opened me up and found the God had already 'spade' me???
Gwenn is on her way to the States! Steve will pick her up in the morning! Melody and the girls will be coming in as soon as they are feeling better. And Gretchen is here~ I know you are jealous they they are not your daughters..sorry...you can't have them~
Saturday, October 8, 2011
This is not how I dreamed the story would unfold.. day 5
For twenty five years I have worked in a job that has required me to work a schedule that I really don't like. Every Sat, many Sundays. Both side of most holidays. Early morning alarm clocks. BUT it was a good job in many ways. I enjoy my contact with the public and the job itself really is not so bad. But for 25 years I have longed for the time when I could be a stay at home domestic type. Oh I knew I would have to work but finally ....finally I have found the work I was born to do! It was like everything I have done since I became a Christian in 1977 was preparing me for this season. I spoke often this year about having come to the most exciting time in my life.
Finally the day would come! On my 56 birthday I would be eligible to retire! The paper work done and turned in I decided to wait until the end of October to retire but spend the last week of work on vacation in Haiti. It was exciting to think about turning in my cash drawer, working the counter and saying 'so long' to the customers I have grown to know and love so well over these many years! I was pumped and ready!
So tomorrow is that last day that I have longed for for such a long time..today I counted out my cash and signed the necessary forms. Got to the bottom of a few forwarding problems. And cried..
This is not how I dreamed this story would unfold....
I can't see next year..next month..next week...tomorrow... I am not being fatalistic. I just can't know if the dreams that were unfolding for my future will look anything like I hoped. I can't say I am scared. At moments I am. I am quite thankful that the doctors have moved on this so quickly. It does not give me much of a chance to think "cancer". I am praying that by the time the idea sinks in it will be gone. Jesus did not say to me that He would heal me. He said "Do you trust me?" I know He has His best for me in His heart. I just don't know if we would agree on what is 'best'.
So while I did have a hard time at work today after work my closest friend Candy took me out for birthday lunch. I am so blessed to have this woman in my life who just lets me be transparent. I love Candy so very, very much. We have been together for births of children and the death of a child. We have been thought sickness and earthquakes and adoptions.We have worked through church difficulties and aging partent. We have laughed and cried and danced. She has rallied the troops around me to pray and care for me. So in all my uncertainly there are some things that won't change. My husband, my children, my grandchildren and my Candy as well as so many others will still be there tomorrow.My dream for me revolves around my relationships. That part of the dream is still on solid ground. I also know that God knew that on the very day I would be eligible to retire that I would be undergoing a operation to remove cancer from my body.. I guess He knew I would not need to take it with me anymore than I need my postal uniforms. He knows what I need. And His has bigger dreams for me than I have for me. And I have to answer Him with my whole heart. "Yes. I trust you." And I thank Him that when I am afraid I can close my eyes and see the 'little girl' Denise climb up on His lap. I can feel His embrace and when I can't even look in His eyes He lifts my chin and cups my face and looks me straight in the eyes and says "You're my girl. I've got this."
Finally the day would come! On my 56 birthday I would be eligible to retire! The paper work done and turned in I decided to wait until the end of October to retire but spend the last week of work on vacation in Haiti. It was exciting to think about turning in my cash drawer, working the counter and saying 'so long' to the customers I have grown to know and love so well over these many years! I was pumped and ready!
So tomorrow is that last day that I have longed for for such a long time..today I counted out my cash and signed the necessary forms. Got to the bottom of a few forwarding problems. And cried..
This is not how I dreamed this story would unfold....
I can't see next year..next month..next week...tomorrow... I am not being fatalistic. I just can't know if the dreams that were unfolding for my future will look anything like I hoped. I can't say I am scared. At moments I am. I am quite thankful that the doctors have moved on this so quickly. It does not give me much of a chance to think "cancer". I am praying that by the time the idea sinks in it will be gone. Jesus did not say to me that He would heal me. He said "Do you trust me?" I know He has His best for me in His heart. I just don't know if we would agree on what is 'best'.
So while I did have a hard time at work today after work my closest friend Candy took me out for birthday lunch. I am so blessed to have this woman in my life who just lets me be transparent. I love Candy so very, very much. We have been together for births of children and the death of a child. We have been thought sickness and earthquakes and adoptions.We have worked through church difficulties and aging partent. We have laughed and cried and danced. She has rallied the troops around me to pray and care for me. So in all my uncertainly there are some things that won't change. My husband, my children, my grandchildren and my Candy as well as so many others will still be there tomorrow.My dream for me revolves around my relationships. That part of the dream is still on solid ground. I also know that God knew that on the very day I would be eligible to retire that I would be undergoing a operation to remove cancer from my body.. I guess He knew I would not need to take it with me anymore than I need my postal uniforms. He knows what I need. And His has bigger dreams for me than I have for me. And I have to answer Him with my whole heart. "Yes. I trust you." And I thank Him that when I am afraid I can close my eyes and see the 'little girl' Denise climb up on His lap. I can feel His embrace and when I can't even look in His eyes He lifts my chin and cups my face and looks me straight in the eyes and says "You're my girl. I've got this."
Thursday, October 6, 2011
weirdness and butterflies and flowers...day 4
Weirdness..the very reason I am blogging was to help dispel it. You know that awkward silence when someone does not know what to say. Well in some ways it has been very effective. I especially liked it when friends whom I only see once or twice a year did not hesitate to call me. I like that. They may have not been certain of what to say but they did not shy away from me. Others, when they make eye contact they look away. Some hesitate when they say "How are you?" indicating that perhaps they have heard but they are afraid to say and I don't know if they really have so I don't say. Weirdness...I have been there myself. This does not offend me at all. I know it is just hard sometimes for people to talk about 'it'. The 'it' that enters the room before I enter and lingers after I leave. Weirdness when I go into Subway and tell Gilbert that I wont be in for awhile and I start crying and can't answer him..Really??? I have told so many people why would this bother me??? But unweirdness when Gilbert looks me straight in the eyes and quotes scriptures to me in my weakness and tells me he will be fasting and praying for me. Yes. This happened in Subway.Weirdness when I get prayed for at church (which if great) but then some people who normally talk to me after a service can bring themselves to now. Unweridness when a young girl you have never met runs to catch up with you and say "You don't know me, but I will be praying for you." (Her name was Heidi)
But on the other side of weirdness is blessings. Blessings with the hundreds of people who say they are praying. Blessings when a son in law who will remain nameless publicly displays affection on facebook :), blessings when a friend goes for a walk on the beach and photographs butterflies that make her think of and pray for me. Blessings of arriving home from work to find a beautiful vase of flowers on my doorstep from friends far away. Blessings of laughter. Connecting with my sister. Blessing of remembering my mom and having a boss who really 'gets it' and cares. It is a little embarrassing to read all the comments on face book about how great I am. But it makes me smile. Knowing that even though there is a weirdness at times..the blessings outweigh them a thousand to one.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Closer than the air I breath-day 3
Today I went to work and took a minute to talk to each coworker and let them know what was happening. I don't want to shroud this in mystery and make me unapproachable. Watching a persons eyes when you say "I have cancer" is very revealing. I am glad that God is giving me the peace I need to walk this road. I truly believe that God "inhabits the praises of His people" and when I worship I am overcome with joy and thanksgiving. This is the time that the tears come...but they are not bad tears...they are good tears. Tears that come with contorted facial gestures and heaving shoulders. Not so good when you are driving :)
After work I had to drop off some clothing at the place where they are collecting for the families who lost everything in hurricane Irene. I noticed that the other lane was backed up a long way due to construction and then I looked down and saw the gas gage was on E. Oh yeah...Steve drove my car up the beach the other day...I didn't think I would have enough gas to wait in that line to get back to the gas station so I went over the bridge (praying I had enough fuel to get me over the bridge) and then took the scenic route home. As I came over the other bridge I thought of stopping and looking for sea glass (sound glass really) on the far side of the bridge. I was glad for the long way home it gave me time to listen to worship music and enter into the presence of Jesus. I decided to continue on when His voice said to me "No stop. I have something for you." So I stopped. As I took off my shoes and was thanking Him for such a beautiful day I walked to the sand and then I saw it!
It's hard to see in the photo but it say "Happy Birthday!" I burst out crying. Again happy tears. I smiled so hard for so long my face about hurt! As I walked I picked up undone pieces of glass, even a pretty blue one. And I asked Him for a special treasure.I found a pocket knife I picked it up hoping that was not meant to be someone else's treasure thinking Micah would like that since he left his in PA. Then I found an interesting piece. That was it. I need to make a necklace out of it to remember that my God walked with me today. And He will walk with me tomorrow. I will post a picture after I put it together. But God also wanted me to put all the other pieces down. Even the pretty blue one. Maybe He was saying "Denise,do you love me more than these?" "Yes Lord you know I love you." "Then feed my sheep."
This path that God has chosen is not just about me. But it is about me. God reminding me that I have a Daddy who cares enough to write "Happy Birthday" in the sand. A God who loves me so much that He puts hundreds of people in my life to lift me up and carry me. And when you KNOW that someone loves you like that..well you can't help but talk about Him!
God has not told me He will heal me but this He did do. I came in the house and turned on the radio wanting to hear more worship. There was NOTHING like worship on. So He said "turn on WJTL on your computer." I said..."Let me get lunch first." He said "No. Now. I have something to say to you.I obeyed (I mean really ...wouldn't you??) The very first words I heard were "Our God is Healer!" Chris Tomlin singing the words I so needed to hear. Our God is Greater!
http://youtu.be/zlA5IDnpGhc
After work I had to drop off some clothing at the place where they are collecting for the families who lost everything in hurricane Irene. I noticed that the other lane was backed up a long way due to construction and then I looked down and saw the gas gage was on E. Oh yeah...Steve drove my car up the beach the other day...I didn't think I would have enough gas to wait in that line to get back to the gas station so I went over the bridge (praying I had enough fuel to get me over the bridge) and then took the scenic route home. As I came over the other bridge I thought of stopping and looking for sea glass (sound glass really) on the far side of the bridge. I was glad for the long way home it gave me time to listen to worship music and enter into the presence of Jesus. I decided to continue on when His voice said to me "No stop. I have something for you." So I stopped. As I took off my shoes and was thanking Him for such a beautiful day I walked to the sand and then I saw it!
This path that God has chosen is not just about me. But it is about me. God reminding me that I have a Daddy who cares enough to write "Happy Birthday" in the sand. A God who loves me so much that He puts hundreds of people in my life to lift me up and carry me. And when you KNOW that someone loves you like that..well you can't help but talk about Him!
God has not told me He will heal me but this He did do. I came in the house and turned on the radio wanting to hear more worship. There was NOTHING like worship on. So He said "turn on WJTL on your computer." I said..."Let me get lunch first." He said "No. Now. I have something to say to you.I obeyed (I mean really ...wouldn't you??) The very first words I heard were "Our God is Healer!" Chris Tomlin singing the words I so needed to hear. Our God is Greater!
http://youtu.be/zlA5IDnpGhc
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I thought you should hear it from me first...day one
The doctor called with the news today. I knew that it was bad by his tone. "It's not good is it?" I said. "Not what I was hoping for. Can you come right in?" he replied. And so it begins..
Cancer. Yes that is what it is. Not the "c" word or the condition..call it like it is. I have cancer. Only time will tell where this road will take me but this much I KNOW..I am not alone.
I am choosing now on this very first day that this shall be a road of thanksgiving and praise. I am choosing that I will seek to allow my Lord Jesus to use me. In whatever way He wants. If I live it is to His glory. If I die it is to His glory.
I do not expect that this will kill me. I did not think that the tests would come back as cancer. Do I believe God will heal me? I hope so so very much on so many levels. Will I become scared/angry/doubtful? Very possibly. Will I cry? I imagine so.
My paperwork was complete to retire this month. Twenty five years and so ready for the next chapter to begin! Two weeks out from leading a team to Haiti. Starting a business working with the deaf in Haiti...Life was going really well!
The thought of missing that trip so far has been the hardest thing to swallow. I miss my Haitian kids so much! I so want to reconnect with my Jacmel Bay artists and move on to the next stage of our business development. Instead...I am reading the trip insurance policy and praying that I somehow will not really have to cancel.
Telling my children and those closest to me has been hard. I hurt for them as I could remember being told that my mom had cancer. I thank God that my girls have each other. They need to emote together. I informed my doctor that my daughters should be listed on my chart so that they could call and get information if they wanted to. In this time of instant communication some important information is not available. They call it HIPPA. or something like that. I get where it came from but I never want to cut off my kids from important information.
God trusts me enough to allow me to represent Him here on earth. I love Jesus enough to desire to represent Him in an honest way. I am tired of Christians who sometimes have a "name it and claim it" philosophy. I will not test my God. Christians get cancer. Even Christians who have a lot of faith get cancer. Anyway... the bible tells us that faith is a gift. I did not conjure it up. It was given to me. The amount I have is the amount that was given. Do I believe God can heal me?? YES! I know He can. He has done it before! And I am counting on Him to do it again...
And so the journey begins. I thank my God for my husband who follows God's heart. I ask God to lead and guide and comfort him. I thank God for my girls and their husbands..all who are God followers. I thank God for the children who will touch the tender spots to bring me laughter.I thank you Jesus for my extended family who will walk this path with me. I thank my God for my Candy...a friend who has been with me in every trial and celebration for the last 15 years. I thank my God for the Body of Christ and the fellowship of the saints..And as hard as this is to say ..I thank God for this cancer. For even in cancer He will be glorified.I thank my Jesus who walked the Via Dol a Rosa..the road to the cross. He understands..everything.
Day Two
We headed out to Norfolk today to see the oncologist. When I walked in I saw two people with no hair. "Oh..right." I thought.."That's where I am." Less than 24 hours after hearing the word "cancer" I was sitting with the oncologist discussing my treatment. Holding on to that one last ounce of hope I started to ask him about my trip to Haiti.."NO!" was his reply before I finished my sentence. It brought tears but I was grateful to not have to make this decision myself.
They don't waste any time here and after telling me that I had cancer of the lining of the uterus. He continued to tell me that I would need a total hysterectomy on Monday. Monday..Oct 10th..my birthday. At 10 AM. Instead of thinking "What a lousy way to spend my birthday!" I thought 10-10 @ 10 AM and I remembered back one year ago to My Magical Birthday and the blog I wrote last year. And the importance of the number 10 in the bible. And I knew God was telling me that He remembered me and it made me smile. He knows my name. I am His child.
So it seems that if all goes well I will be operated on on Monday and be home on Tuesday. Gwenn is coming from Haiti and Melody is coming from PA with the girls. Gretchen, Gwenn and Melody will have some rare sister time. I know this will be hard. I know it will be painful. But oh the pain it would be to be alone in this! I am so blessed beyond measure! I am believing that God's purpose in this is so much bigger than I may ever know. So pray with me for divine appointments. Pray with me that God will open doors and hearts for me to share the hope that I know in Christ. Pray with me that I will carry in my illness the compassion of Jesus Himself and that He will be glorified.
I know this may seem a little 'tacky' to share this so publicly but a few things come to mind. Cancer is usually whispered if spoken at all. The bible tell us to bring things into the light. And...so many people are already finding out about this that I want to share openly so no one has to be afraid to talk about it. I have cancer. I know it. You know it. Done. Let's move on. God has good things ahead.
Cancer. Yes that is what it is. Not the "c" word or the condition..call it like it is. I have cancer. Only time will tell where this road will take me but this much I KNOW..I am not alone.
I am choosing now on this very first day that this shall be a road of thanksgiving and praise. I am choosing that I will seek to allow my Lord Jesus to use me. In whatever way He wants. If I live it is to His glory. If I die it is to His glory.
I do not expect that this will kill me. I did not think that the tests would come back as cancer. Do I believe God will heal me? I hope so so very much on so many levels. Will I become scared/angry/doubtful? Very possibly. Will I cry? I imagine so.
My paperwork was complete to retire this month. Twenty five years and so ready for the next chapter to begin! Two weeks out from leading a team to Haiti. Starting a business working with the deaf in Haiti...Life was going really well!
The thought of missing that trip so far has been the hardest thing to swallow. I miss my Haitian kids so much! I so want to reconnect with my Jacmel Bay artists and move on to the next stage of our business development. Instead...I am reading the trip insurance policy and praying that I somehow will not really have to cancel.
Telling my children and those closest to me has been hard. I hurt for them as I could remember being told that my mom had cancer. I thank God that my girls have each other. They need to emote together. I informed my doctor that my daughters should be listed on my chart so that they could call and get information if they wanted to. In this time of instant communication some important information is not available. They call it HIPPA. or something like that. I get where it came from but I never want to cut off my kids from important information.
God trusts me enough to allow me to represent Him here on earth. I love Jesus enough to desire to represent Him in an honest way. I am tired of Christians who sometimes have a "name it and claim it" philosophy. I will not test my God. Christians get cancer. Even Christians who have a lot of faith get cancer. Anyway... the bible tells us that faith is a gift. I did not conjure it up. It was given to me. The amount I have is the amount that was given. Do I believe God can heal me?? YES! I know He can. He has done it before! And I am counting on Him to do it again...
And so the journey begins. I thank my God for my husband who follows God's heart. I ask God to lead and guide and comfort him. I thank God for my girls and their husbands..all who are God followers. I thank God for the children who will touch the tender spots to bring me laughter.I thank you Jesus for my extended family who will walk this path with me. I thank my God for my Candy...a friend who has been with me in every trial and celebration for the last 15 years. I thank my God for the Body of Christ and the fellowship of the saints..And as hard as this is to say ..I thank God for this cancer. For even in cancer He will be glorified.I thank my Jesus who walked the Via Dol a Rosa..the road to the cross. He understands..everything.
We headed out to Norfolk today to see the oncologist. When I walked in I saw two people with no hair. "Oh..right." I thought.."That's where I am." Less than 24 hours after hearing the word "cancer" I was sitting with the oncologist discussing my treatment. Holding on to that one last ounce of hope I started to ask him about my trip to Haiti.."NO!" was his reply before I finished my sentence. It brought tears but I was grateful to not have to make this decision myself.
They don't waste any time here and after telling me that I had cancer of the lining of the uterus. He continued to tell me that I would need a total hysterectomy on Monday. Monday..Oct 10th..my birthday. At 10 AM. Instead of thinking "What a lousy way to spend my birthday!" I thought 10-10 @ 10 AM and I remembered back one year ago to My Magical Birthday and the blog I wrote last year. And the importance of the number 10 in the bible. And I knew God was telling me that He remembered me and it made me smile. He knows my name. I am His child.
So it seems that if all goes well I will be operated on on Monday and be home on Tuesday. Gwenn is coming from Haiti and Melody is coming from PA with the girls. Gretchen, Gwenn and Melody will have some rare sister time. I know this will be hard. I know it will be painful. But oh the pain it would be to be alone in this! I am so blessed beyond measure! I am believing that God's purpose in this is so much bigger than I may ever know. So pray with me for divine appointments. Pray with me that God will open doors and hearts for me to share the hope that I know in Christ. Pray with me that I will carry in my illness the compassion of Jesus Himself and that He will be glorified.
I know this may seem a little 'tacky' to share this so publicly but a few things come to mind. Cancer is usually whispered if spoken at all. The bible tell us to bring things into the light. And...so many people are already finding out about this that I want to share openly so no one has to be afraid to talk about it. I have cancer. I know it. You know it. Done. Let's move on. God has good things ahead.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"Mommy, something is VERY wrong with the baby! They think in might be his heart."
The phone rang late this afternoon. It was Gwenn calling from Haiti. I wanted to wish Josiah a Happy 4th birthday but had not been able to reach them earlier. I was working at the Dare County Art gallery in downtown Manteo when they called. As we hung up the phone I noted the time...
Sometimes a moment is just that. It comes, it passes and it is gone forever. Other moment get stuck on their way and never leave. Every thought, every site, every sound, every emotion are captured in that moment and become one with it.
I looked at the clock and it struck me. Four years ago to that hour Steve and I got the first call.We were in a restaurant just a few doors down from the Arts Council gallery where I was now sitting. Josiah was FINALLY here! All nearly 10 lbs of him! What a joyful meal we shared.
Then the second call came the one that contained 'the moment'. The moment that set our lives in a tail spin and tried to rob us of our faith and rip our joy from our hearts. "mommy, something is really wrong with the baby. they think it might be his heart!"
We cried out to the Lord and He heard and answered. The days and weeks that followed are a big blur of hospitals and tears and fear. But the moment. The moment is clear. The moment is fresh as if it were lived tonight. The moment that doctors know as life and death. The moment that our God spoke life over death. The moment...
Sometimes a moment is just that. It comes, it passes and it is gone forever. Other moment get stuck on their way and never leave. Every thought, every site, every sound, every emotion are captured in that moment and become one with it.
I looked at the clock and it struck me. Four years ago to that hour Steve and I got the first call.We were in a restaurant just a few doors down from the Arts Council gallery where I was now sitting. Josiah was FINALLY here! All nearly 10 lbs of him! What a joyful meal we shared.
Then the second call came the one that contained 'the moment'. The moment that set our lives in a tail spin and tried to rob us of our faith and rip our joy from our hearts. "mommy, something is really wrong with the baby. they think it might be his heart!"
We cried out to the Lord and He heard and answered. The days and weeks that followed are a big blur of hospitals and tears and fear. But the moment. The moment is clear. The moment is fresh as if it were lived tonight. The moment that doctors know as life and death. The moment that our God spoke life over death. The moment...
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