Needing to sleep off this hangover...

Nine days ago my life went into a tailspin. Being called to action I went into stress mode, meaning "no time to cry, too much to do" and that is how it has gone for these nine long days. Oh, I did cry , a tear here a sob there but..mostly I had to hold it. I feel now like I am waking up after a long drunk..not that I would know what that feels like but I can imagine. I am so tired. And so thankful.
When Jon called to say he was taking Gretchen to the hospital I was very concerned. When I heard they would medivac her to Norfolk..well, I was scared. Gretchen is one tough girl. Don't often get to see her cry. Watching her pant for breath and realizing that this was really serious was compounded by a doctor who said (in front of her) "Well, it could be we give her diuretics and she will be fine in a few days, or worst case we are looking at a heart transplant. This before she left The Outer Banks hospital and before the first test was run. Remind me later about the letter the hospital will be receiving about this doctor.
Watching the helicopter take off and strapping my 8 day old baby in the car seat for the trip to Norfolk with Jon are all surreal memories at this time. I had run back home to retrieve the one bag of stored breast milk and wondered what we would do to fed baby Johanna after that ran out.
I can't remember arriving at Norfolk Sentura..yes I do..kinda..
I stayed with the baby in the waiting room and hauled her in the car seat with a big diaper bag and my purse around looking for a baby changing station. Then looking for a way to heat up her bottle. (She had never had one before..) Jon stayed with Gretchen and it was determined it was not her heart. (ok..no transplant ..good..) Not a blood clot..good. But she continued to get worse. I lugged the baby and all the baby gack up to the 6th floor where I was told we could get a room. I could get a room, the baby could not. So I continued to lug the baby and gack around and tried to get some formula for her. Sorry, no free samples without a doctor's orders. Somewhere in here my pastor shows up. And Jim. Cause no matter what, Jim always shows up. For every serious, scary, sad or happy event Jim is there. Pastor somehow gets us set up in the ICU waiting room which is much better than the ER waiting room.And there we wait. Jon manages to get formula where I could not and they give him diapers as well.Steve picks up the baby and me and we head back home leaving my daughter in the hands of her husband, the doctors and Harold-my angel whom I have asked to stay with her. I am aware that this is a part of a very real spiritual attack that my family has been under. I know who fights our battle for us but none the less I am frightened.
Now like when you drink to much alchol the details get fuzzy and even now I wonder what have I done for the last nine days? Did I really watch my daughter cling to life then see a machine breath for her when she could not? Did I spend the last nine nights with the middle of the night feedings and rocking a tiny baby who didn't think it best to sleep? Did I soften the truth for my grandchildren so that they would be less afraid? Did I stay up late talking with my other daughter about her life in Haiti during and after the earthquake. Did I watch my youngest daughter step in so completely and loving to nurture her sister's baby?
Now, as I sit in my chair, in my home, in the quiet of this night it is so hard to believe that as quickly this trial arrived and now it is leaving. Gretchen now home with her baby and children. Weak but still strong willed and with an even stronger faith. My room is still spinning and I think I will need to put one foot on the floor to make it stop. And during this emotional binge I have had so many people willing to drive when I could not. Praying when I was too weak for too busy. Encouraging. Loving my daugther and my family. Pulling us through to the other side. So now..now I will sleep it off. Hoping never again to go back to this last nine days but to move forward better for what I have known. The hangover is real. But I am encouraged that it will be short lived.