Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
"Mommy, something is VERY wrong with the baby! They think in might be his heart."
The phone rang late this afternoon. It was Gwenn calling from Haiti. I wanted to wish Josiah a Happy 4th birthday but had not been able to reach them earlier. I was working at the Dare County Art gallery in downtown Manteo when they called. As we hung up the phone I noted the time...
Sometimes a moment is just that. It comes, it passes and it is gone forever. Other moment get stuck on their way and never leave. Every thought, every site, every sound, every emotion are captured in that moment and become one with it.
I looked at the clock and it struck me. Four years ago to that hour Steve and I got the first call.We were in a restaurant just a few doors down from the Arts Council gallery where I was now sitting. Josiah was FINALLY here! All nearly 10 lbs of him! What a joyful meal we shared.
Then the second call came the one that contained 'the moment'. The moment that set our lives in a tail spin and tried to rob us of our faith and rip our joy from our hearts. "mommy, something is really wrong with the baby. they think it might be his heart!"
We cried out to the Lord and He heard and answered. The days and weeks that followed are a big blur of hospitals and tears and fear. But the moment. The moment is clear. The moment is fresh as if it were lived tonight. The moment that doctors know as life and death. The moment that our God spoke life over death. The moment...
Sometimes a moment is just that. It comes, it passes and it is gone forever. Other moment get stuck on their way and never leave. Every thought, every site, every sound, every emotion are captured in that moment and become one with it.
I looked at the clock and it struck me. Four years ago to that hour Steve and I got the first call.We were in a restaurant just a few doors down from the Arts Council gallery where I was now sitting. Josiah was FINALLY here! All nearly 10 lbs of him! What a joyful meal we shared.
Then the second call came the one that contained 'the moment'. The moment that set our lives in a tail spin and tried to rob us of our faith and rip our joy from our hearts. "mommy, something is really wrong with the baby. they think it might be his heart!"
We cried out to the Lord and He heard and answered. The days and weeks that followed are a big blur of hospitals and tears and fear. But the moment. The moment is clear. The moment is fresh as if it were lived tonight. The moment that doctors know as life and death. The moment that our God spoke life over death. The moment...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The boy God gave me.
When I was having babies I never "wanted" a boy or a girl. I wanted a baby and I knew that God could/would make a better choice for our lives than we could.There was honestly not one moment when I felt disappointed that my girls were born as Gretchen, Gwenn and Melody and not David. Melody was almost Meredeth but we flipped a coin and God even made the coin flip right.
Sometimes God likes to give us some 'extras' in life. For me the 'extras' were children. Children who while very loved by their parents were still part of my family because of various life issues. I always thought it interesting that when I started an in home day care most of the children in my home were children of divorce. Having been raised in a one parent home I felt like God choose me for these young children and for the parents as well. I felt I could understand their lives and their hearts just a little better than those who lived the perfect 2.3 children, 2 car, dentist twice a year American Dream.
The children loved me and I loved them. They fit easily into my life and I felt like a natural at this job.
Enter Erik.
Erik had just turned two. He was very quiet and very stubborn. He would not look at me and he covered his face with his hands when I spoke to him as if that would shut me out and he would not have to respond. Erik's family was going thought a very rocky spell. His mom had moved out and his dad was trying to muddle thorough this single parent of three children life. Having started his own business Erik's day was gone often more than 12 hours a day. And as the days passed into months Erik still would not look at me. I found myself growing detached from him and not trying to connect anymore. One night realizing that this kid needed more than what I could give him I prayed "God, I can't love this kid. Will you love him for me?" The next day it changed. He didn't change. I did. I found a new compassion and understanding for this (still stubborn) little guy. As I changed he changed. I was never unkind to Erik before this. I just could not reach him. Until I did.
Months past. Then more months. We got thought potty training with a amble supply of skittle rewards. We floated Cheerios for target practice. Erik was with me still when my I was pregnant with Melody and we would take our afternoon naps on my big king size bed. He worked in my garden and I took him to swimming lessons.I had to bribe him to get in the water with the big cookies we bought at the deli on the way to Round Valley. And months turned to years and Erik was still there. He broke his nose when he slid into home plate and then slid into the wood pile. They didn't ask me at the hospital is I was his mom so I didn't offer that I was not. I got mad at the doctor who was so harsh with him and felt like it wasn't right for me to leave and wasn't right for me to stay when his Dad showed up.
The day came when Erik became too old to justify hiring a babysitter. I was out of a job. I went to work at the Post Office and when I would come home for lunch there sat Erik. He would ride his bike to my house and just hang out. Time past as the visits were not as often but Erik remained close. I think it was in 96 when he came to Creation with us (again). (The first time he came he was about 4 and I remember that sweet little boy popping his hand up and agreeing that he wanted to ask Jesus in his heart.) But it 96 it was different. One night, at about 2 AM I heard someone outside my tent. "Denise..Denise...wake up!" I jumped up fearing the worst and flew open the zipper of my tent. "I wanted you to be the first to know!! I got saved tonight!!!" . With joy that only a mother can know I rejoiced with Erik then went back to sleep. The memory of not being able to love this boy was long gone.
We moved from NJ to NC and within a few years Erik followed.He went through some rough spots. But no matter where he was in his life he always came back. I worried about him a lot. But then something changed.
Enter Stacy.
For the first time since I met the frightened two year old boy Erik seems whole. All the places his parents and my family could not fill are now filled. No longer a little boy standing in the naughty corner in my houseand hiding his face from the world. Now he will stand at the alter with his bride. His parents will be there, his sisters will be there. My son in law will stand with him. My family will be there to cheer him on. I will miss the way he will look directly into his bride's eyes. I will not be there. But this I do know. Erik will be back. Because no matter the circumstances that keep us apart over the years this does not change. God choose to give me a boy and I am proud to see the man he has become.
Sometimes God likes to give us some 'extras' in life. For me the 'extras' were children. Children who while very loved by their parents were still part of my family because of various life issues. I always thought it interesting that when I started an in home day care most of the children in my home were children of divorce. Having been raised in a one parent home I felt like God choose me for these young children and for the parents as well. I felt I could understand their lives and their hearts just a little better than those who lived the perfect 2.3 children, 2 car, dentist twice a year American Dream.
The children loved me and I loved them. They fit easily into my life and I felt like a natural at this job.
Enter Erik.
Erik had just turned two. He was very quiet and very stubborn. He would not look at me and he covered his face with his hands when I spoke to him as if that would shut me out and he would not have to respond. Erik's family was going thought a very rocky spell. His mom had moved out and his dad was trying to muddle thorough this single parent of three children life. Having started his own business Erik's day was gone often more than 12 hours a day. And as the days passed into months Erik still would not look at me. I found myself growing detached from him and not trying to connect anymore. One night realizing that this kid needed more than what I could give him I prayed "God, I can't love this kid. Will you love him for me?" The next day it changed. He didn't change. I did. I found a new compassion and understanding for this (still stubborn) little guy. As I changed he changed. I was never unkind to Erik before this. I just could not reach him. Until I did.
Months past. Then more months. We got thought potty training with a amble supply of skittle rewards. We floated Cheerios for target practice. Erik was with me still when my I was pregnant with Melody and we would take our afternoon naps on my big king size bed. He worked in my garden and I took him to swimming lessons.I had to bribe him to get in the water with the big cookies we bought at the deli on the way to Round Valley. And months turned to years and Erik was still there. He broke his nose when he slid into home plate and then slid into the wood pile. They didn't ask me at the hospital is I was his mom so I didn't offer that I was not. I got mad at the doctor who was so harsh with him and felt like it wasn't right for me to leave and wasn't right for me to stay when his Dad showed up.
The day came when Erik became too old to justify hiring a babysitter. I was out of a job. I went to work at the Post Office and when I would come home for lunch there sat Erik. He would ride his bike to my house and just hang out. Time past as the visits were not as often but Erik remained close. I think it was in 96 when he came to Creation with us (again). (The first time he came he was about 4 and I remember that sweet little boy popping his hand up and agreeing that he wanted to ask Jesus in his heart.) But it 96 it was different. One night, at about 2 AM I heard someone outside my tent. "Denise..Denise...wake up!" I jumped up fearing the worst and flew open the zipper of my tent. "I wanted you to be the first to know!! I got saved tonight!!!" . With joy that only a mother can know I rejoiced with Erik then went back to sleep. The memory of not being able to love this boy was long gone.
We moved from NJ to NC and within a few years Erik followed.He went through some rough spots. But no matter where he was in his life he always came back. I worried about him a lot. But then something changed.
Enter Stacy.
For the first time since I met the frightened two year old boy Erik seems whole. All the places his parents and my family could not fill are now filled. No longer a little boy standing in the naughty corner in my houseand hiding his face from the world. Now he will stand at the alter with his bride. His parents will be there, his sisters will be there. My son in law will stand with him. My family will be there to cheer him on. I will miss the way he will look directly into his bride's eyes. I will not be there. But this I do know. Erik will be back. Because no matter the circumstances that keep us apart over the years this does not change. God choose to give me a boy and I am proud to see the man he has become.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
I guess I planted them
This afternoon I went out to the garden to check on/admire the plants that I added yesterday. Tomatoes, herbs, cucumbers, watermelon and lots of zinnias. They were doing nicely and it was satisfying seeing the fruit of my labor starting to take shape in my spring garden. I was looking at the red tulips when I noticed- them. Delicate bluebells growing along the boarder of the flowerbed. With a smile I thought that I did not remember planting them. But I did. Because if I did not they would not be there. I bought the bulbs, I dug the soil, I planted the bulbs and much to my surprise they grew in all their sweetness...they grew..just because I planted them.I didn't make them grow. I just planted them. I thought about my garden. Each plant, each flower represented my labor. It didn't seem like work at the time. It was dirty..and sometimes hard but it was a delight and more fun than work. My husband and I raised three daughters. Being a mother was a wonder and a delight for me. I can honestly say that it was not hard. Yes sometimes it was work- but I truly enjoyed it. And sometimes now I am surprised and delighted to see they things that have grown in their lives. Things I don't remember planting but I must have or they would not be there.My girls are smart and funny and compassionate. They are creative and gifted in so many ways. The way they read to their children and sing to them. Even the fact that they hold tightly the same beliefs I have about the importance of breast feeding and not allowing TV to have a major influence in their children's lives. I never told my girls "You make sure you breast feed your children." But they did know how delightful and important it was to me...and so...it just grew..I planted it. I did not make it grow. I just planted it. How wonderful it is to see these surprises pop up in their lives. Back to the garden.. Gardening is not all blossoms and fresh vegetables. There are lots of weeds. They start out pretty slowly. They creep in around the boarders. Sometimes we don't even notice them. And as the gardener I certainly did not set out to plant them there. But here is the fact. They grow because of my neglect. If weeds take over it is because I did not stop them. I allowed them. So it is in my own life. In my personal life I have not set out to be undisciplined or messy or careless but sometimes that is my garden. So as adults if my children struggle in different areas of their lives, if they have some of the same weaknesses that I have...well just as certain as I planted the bluebells that gave them the good characteristics ...well I also allowed the weeds... I think I'll dwell on the bluebells as continue to attack my weeds. Thank you God for the beauty and delights of my garden. Thank you more for the beauty and delights of my daughters..
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Remember
A day to remember. And never forget.
Today is a very somber anniversary. It is a also a day of amazing thanksgiving. This past week when my grandbaby Johanna ate her first piece of birthday cake it kind of smacked me. This year could have been very different. Johanna could have had this special day without her mama there to sing her birthday song and make her birthday cake..and hold her and nurse her. I wrote about this shorty after Gretchen came home. (here) As I reread my words I remembered...and now I remember and give thanks. God choose not to leave Katie, Micah, Abbie and Johanna without a mom. I love God. I just do. I would love him if the story ended differently but I am thankful that it didn't.
Tonight I sit in a hotel room across from the main entrance to Duke Medical Center. Four years ago..a lifetime ago.. Remembering... It washed over me as I drove down the street..entered the front door..looked at the fountain and stood there with tears remembering the sweet voice of 4 yr. old Nia as she threw her coins in the fountain "Jesus, I wish that my little brother Josiah would get all better." In her tender faith she seemed to know that "wishes" only come true when they are prayers.
Open heart surgery for Josiah. Evie with a mass behind her heart. My mom closing her eyes and waking up in heaven. Lisa loosing her battle but winning the prize. An earthquake that rocked my world. Gretchen's coming back home..alive...
Life is made up of these things..hard things....but I can't/won't forget. In the dark days we come to understand..everything that we need to understand. God is able. God is faithful. Even when we are unable and unfaithful. Even when we think the story does not have a happy ending.
Remembering and thanking you Jesus.
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