Closer than the air I breath-day 3

Today I went to work and took a minute to talk to each coworker and let them know what was happening. I don't want to shroud this in mystery and make me unapproachable. Watching a persons eyes when you say "I have cancer" is very revealing. I am glad that God is giving me the peace I need to walk this road. I truly believe that God "inhabits the praises of His people" and when I worship I am overcome with joy and thanksgiving. This is the time that the tears come...but they are not bad tears...they are good tears. Tears that come with contorted facial gestures and heaving shoulders. Not so good when you are driving :)
After work I had to drop off some clothing at the place where they are collecting for the families who lost everything in hurricane Irene. I noticed that the other lane was backed up a long way due to construction and then I looked down and saw the gas gage was on E. Oh yeah...Steve drove my car up the beach the other day...I didn't think I would have enough gas to wait in that line to get back to the gas station so I went over the bridge (praying I had enough fuel to get me over the bridge) and then took the scenic route home. As I came over the other bridge I thought of stopping and looking for sea glass (sound glass really) on the far side of the bridge. I was glad for the long way home it gave me time to listen to worship music and enter into the presence of Jesus. I decided to continue on when His voice said to me "No stop. I have something for you." So I stopped. As I took off my shoes and was thanking Him for such a beautiful day I walked to the sand and then I saw it!

It's hard to see in the photo but it say "Happy Birthday!" I burst out crying. Again happy tears. I smiled so hard for so long my face about hurt! As I walked I picked up undone pieces of glass, even a pretty blue one. And I asked Him for a special treasure.I found a pocket knife I picked it up hoping that was not meant to be someone else's treasure thinking Micah would like that since he left his in PA. Then I found an interesting piece. That was it. I need to make a necklace out of it to remember that my God walked with me today. And He will walk with me tomorrow. I will post a picture after I put it together. But God also wanted me to put all the other pieces down. Even the pretty blue one. Maybe He was saying "Denise,do you love me more than these?" "Yes Lord you know I love you."  "Then feed my sheep."
This path that God has chosen is not just about me. But it is about me. God reminding me that I have a Daddy who cares enough to write "Happy Birthday" in the sand. A God who loves me so much that He puts hundreds of people in my life to lift me up and carry me.  And when you KNOW that someone loves you like that..well you can't help but talk about Him!
God has not told me He will heal me but this He did do. I came in the house and turned on the radio wanting to hear more worship. There was NOTHING like worship on. So He said "turn on WJTL on your computer." I said..."Let me get lunch first." He said "No. Now. I have something to say to you.I obeyed (I mean really ...wouldn't you??) The very first words I heard were "Our God is Healer!" Chris Tomlin singing the words I so needed to hear. Our God is Greater!
http://youtu.be/zlA5IDnpGhc

I thought you should hear it from me first...day one

The doctor called with the news today. I knew that it was bad by his tone. "It's not good is it?" I said. "Not what I was hoping for. Can you come right in?" he replied. And so it begins..
Cancer. Yes that is what it is. Not the "c" word or the condition..call it like it is. I have cancer. Only time will tell where this road will take me but this much I KNOW..I am not alone.
I am choosing now on this very first day that this shall be a road of thanksgiving and praise. I am choosing that I will seek to allow my Lord Jesus to use me. In whatever way He wants. If I live it is to His glory. If I die it is to His glory.
I do not expect that this will kill me. I did not think that the tests would come back as cancer. Do I believe God will heal me? I hope so so very much on so many levels. Will I become scared/angry/doubtful? Very possibly. Will I cry? I imagine so.
My paperwork was complete to retire this month. Twenty five years and so ready for the next chapter to begin! Two weeks out from leading a team to Haiti. Starting a business working with the deaf in Haiti...Life was going really well!
The thought of missing that trip so far has been the hardest thing to swallow. I miss my Haitian kids so much! I so want to reconnect with my Jacmel Bay artists and move on to the next stage of our business development. Instead...I am reading the trip insurance policy and praying that I somehow will not really have to cancel.
Telling my children and those closest to me has been hard. I hurt for them as I could remember being told that my mom had cancer. I thank God that my girls have each other. They need to emote together. I informed my doctor that my daughters should be listed on my chart so that they could call and get information if they wanted to. In this time of instant communication some important information is not available. They call it HIPPA. or something like that. I get where it came from but I never want to cut off my kids from important information.
God trusts me enough to allow me to represent Him here on earth. I love Jesus enough to desire to represent Him in an honest way. I am tired of Christians who sometimes have a "name it and claim it" philosophy. I will not test my God. Christians get cancer. Even Christians who have a lot of faith get cancer. Anyway... the bible tells us that faith is a gift. I did not conjure it up. It was given to me. The amount I have is the amount that was given. Do I believe God can heal me?? YES! I know He can.  He has done it before! And I am counting on Him to do it again...
And so the journey begins. I thank my God for my husband who follows God's heart. I ask God to lead and guide and comfort him. I thank God for my girls and their husbands..all who are God followers. I thank God for the children who will touch the tender spots to bring me laughter.I thank you Jesus for my extended family who will walk this path with me. I thank my God for my Candy...a friend who has been with me in every trial and celebration for the last 15 years. I thank my God for the Body of Christ and the fellowship of the saints..And as hard as this is to say ..I thank God for this cancer.  For even in cancer He will be glorified.I thank my Jesus who walked the Via Dol a Rosa..the road to the cross. He understands..everything.

Day Two
We headed out to Norfolk today to see the oncologist. When I walked in I saw two people with no hair. "Oh..right." I thought.."That's where I am." Less than 24 hours after hearing the word "cancer" I was sitting with the oncologist discussing my treatment. Holding on to that one last ounce of hope I started to ask him about my trip to Haiti.."NO!" was his reply before I finished my sentence. It brought tears but I was grateful to not have to make this decision myself.
They don't waste any time here and after telling me that I had cancer of the lining of the uterus. He continued to tell me that I would need a total hysterectomy on Monday. Monday..Oct 10th..my birthday. At 10 AM. Instead of thinking "What a lousy way to spend my birthday!" I thought 10-10 @ 10 AM and I remembered back one year ago to My Magical Birthday and the blog I wrote last year. And the importance of the number 10 in the bible. And I knew God was telling me that He remembered me and it made me smile. He knows my name. I am His child.
So it seems that if all goes well I will be operated on on Monday and be home on Tuesday. Gwenn is coming from Haiti and Melody is coming from PA with the girls. Gretchen, Gwenn and Melody will have some rare sister time. I know this will be hard. I know it will be painful. But oh the pain it would be to be alone in this! I am so blessed beyond measure! I am believing that God's purpose in this is so much bigger than I may ever know. So pray with me for divine appointments. Pray with me that God will open doors and hearts for me to share the hope that I know in Christ. Pray with me that I will carry in my illness the compassion of Jesus Himself and that He will be glorified.
I know this may seem a little 'tacky' to share this so publicly but a few things come to mind. Cancer is usually whispered if spoken at all. The bible tell us to bring things into the light. And...so many people are already finding out about this that I want to share openly so no one has to be afraid to talk about it. I have cancer. I know it. You know it. Done. Let's move on. God has good things ahead.

My Baby's Baby

I put THIS blog in the wrong place..

"Mommy, something is VERY wrong with the baby! They think in might be his heart."

The phone rang late this afternoon. It was Gwenn calling from Haiti. I wanted to wish Josiah a Happy 4th birthday but had not been able to reach them earlier. I was working at the Dare County Art gallery in downtown Manteo when they called. As we hung up the phone I noted the time...
Sometimes a moment is just that. It comes, it passes and it is gone forever. Other moment get stuck on their way and never leave. Every thought, every site, every sound, every emotion are captured in that moment and become one with it.
I looked at the clock and it struck me. Four years ago to that hour Steve and I got the first call.We were in a restaurant just a few doors down from the Arts Council gallery where I was now sitting. Josiah was FINALLY here! All nearly 10 lbs of him! What a joyful meal we shared.
Then the second call came the one that contained 'the moment'. The moment that set our lives in a tail spin and tried to rob us of our faith and rip our joy from our hearts. "mommy, something is really wrong with the baby. they think it might be his heart!"
We cried out to the Lord and He heard and answered. The days and weeks that followed are a big blur of hospitals and tears and fear. But the moment. The moment is clear. The moment is fresh as if it were lived tonight. The moment that doctors know as life and death. The moment that our God spoke life over death. The moment...

The boy God gave me.

When I was having babies I never "wanted" a boy or a girl. I wanted a baby and I knew that God could/would make a better choice for our lives than we could.There was honestly not one moment when I felt disappointed that my girls were born as Gretchen, Gwenn and Melody and not David. Melody was almost Meredeth but we flipped a coin and God even made the coin flip right.
Sometimes God likes to give us some 'extras' in life. For me the 'extras' were children. Children who while very loved by their parents were still part of my family because of various life issues. I always thought it interesting that when I started an in home day care most of the children in my home were children of divorce. Having been raised in a one parent home I felt like God choose me for these young children and for the parents as well. I felt I could understand their lives and their hearts just a little better than those who lived the perfect 2.3 children, 2 car, dentist twice a year American Dream.
The children loved me and I loved them. They fit easily into my life and I felt like a natural at this job.
Enter Erik.
Erik had just turned two. He was very quiet and very stubborn. He would not look at me and he covered his face with his hands when I spoke to him as if that would shut me out and he would not have to respond. Erik's family was going thought a very rocky spell. His mom had moved out and his dad was trying to muddle thorough this single parent of three children life. Having started his own business Erik's day was gone often more than 12 hours a day. And as the days passed into months Erik still would not look at me. I found myself growing detached from him and not trying to connect anymore. One night realizing that this kid needed more than what I could give him I prayed "God, I can't love this kid. Will you love him for me?" The next day it changed. He didn't change. I did. I found a new compassion and understanding for this (still stubborn) little guy. As I changed he changed. I was never unkind to Erik before this. I just could not reach him. Until I did.
Months past. Then more months. We got thought potty training with a amble supply of skittle rewards. We floated Cheerios for target practice. Erik was with me still when my I was pregnant with Melody and we would take our afternoon naps on my big king size bed. He worked in my garden and I took him to swimming lessons.I had to bribe him to get in the water with the big cookies we bought at the deli on the way to Round Valley. And months turned to years and Erik was still there. He broke his nose when he slid into home plate and then slid into the wood pile. They didn't ask me at the hospital is I was his mom so I didn't offer that I was not. I got mad at the doctor who was so harsh with him and felt like it wasn't right for me to leave and wasn't right for me to stay when his Dad showed up.
The day came when Erik became too old to justify hiring a babysitter. I was out of a job. I went to work at the Post Office and when I would come home for lunch there sat Erik. He would ride his bike to my house and just hang out. Time past as the visits were not as often but Erik remained close. I think it was in 96 when he came to Creation with us (again). (The first time he came he was about 4 and I remember that sweet little boy popping his hand up and agreeing that he wanted to ask Jesus in his heart.) But it 96 it was different. One night, at about 2 AM I heard someone outside my tent. "Denise..Denise...wake up!" I jumped up fearing the worst and flew open the zipper of my tent. "I wanted you to be the first to know!! I got saved tonight!!!" . With joy that only a mother can know I rejoiced with Erik then went back to sleep. The memory of not being able to love this boy was long gone.
We moved from NJ to NC and within a few years Erik followed.He went through some rough spots. But no matter where he was in his life he always came back. I worried about him a lot. But then something changed.
Enter Stacy.
For the first time since I met the frightened two year old boy Erik seems whole. All the places his parents and my family could not fill are now filled. No longer a little boy standing in the naughty corner in my houseand hiding his face from the world. Now he will stand at the alter with his bride. His parents will be there, his sisters will be there. My son in law will stand with him. My family will be there to cheer him on. I will miss the way he will look directly into his bride's eyes. I will not be there. But this I do know. Erik will be back. Because no matter the circumstances that keep us apart over the years this does not change. God choose to give me a boy and I am proud to see the man he has become.

What is your Calling

Jacmel Bay new post (HERE)

I guess I planted them

This afternoon I went out to the garden to check on/admire the plants that I added yesterday. Tomatoes, herbs, cucumbers, watermelon and lots of zinnias. They were doing nicely and it was satisfying seeing the fruit of my labor starting to take shape in my spring garden. I was looking at the red tulips when I noticed- them. Delicate bluebells growing along the boarder of the flowerbed. With a smile I thought that I did not remember planting them. But I did. Because if I did not they would not be there. I bought the bulbs, I dug the soil, I planted the bulbs and much to my surprise they grew in all their sweetness...they grew..just because I planted them.I didn't make them grow. I just planted them. I thought about my garden. Each plant, each flower represented my labor. It didn't seem like work at the time. It was dirty..and sometimes hard but it was a delight and more fun than work. My husband and I raised three daughters. Being a mother was a wonder and a delight for me. I can honestly say that it was not hard. Yes sometimes it was work- but I truly enjoyed it. And sometimes now I am surprised and delighted to see they things that have grown in their lives. Things I don't remember planting but I must have or they would not be there.My girls are smart and funny and compassionate. They are creative and gifted in so many ways. The way they read to their children and sing to them. Even the fact that they hold tightly the same beliefs I have about the importance of breast feeding and not allowing TV to have a major influence in their children's lives. I never told my girls "You make sure you breast feed your children." But they did know how delightful and important it was to me...and so...it just grew..I planted it. I did not make it grow. I just planted it. How wonderful it is to see these surprises pop up in their lives. Back to the garden.. Gardening is not all blossoms and fresh vegetables. There are lots of weeds. They start out pretty slowly. They creep in around the boarders. Sometimes we don't even notice them. And as the gardener I certainly did not set out to plant them there. But here is the fact. They grow because of my neglect. If weeds take over it is because I did not stop them. I allowed them. So it is in my own life. In my personal life I have not set out to be undisciplined or messy or careless but sometimes that is my garden. So as adults if my children struggle in different areas of their lives, if they have some of the same weaknesses that I have...well just as certain as I planted the bluebells that gave them the good characteristics ...well I also allowed the weeds... I think I'll dwell on the bluebells as continue to attack my weeds. Thank you God for the beauty and delights of my garden. Thank you more for the beauty and delights of my daughters..