A Grandmother's Heartbeat

Going Deeper

2012-01-21T17:50:00.000-05:00

I sit here at my computer on on 10 minute break from my 10 minute challange.(See previous post) I gotta say, this is working for me. Now that I am on track and have completed the first challange each day I do it I go deeper. Like today, I had just spent 10 minutes yesterday cleaning the bathroom. The basic stuff, the shower the sink the mirror, the toilet. So that did not need to be done today again. Still I had 10 min. committed to that room. So today I wiped down the fixtures and then had 8 minutes to straighten up the towel shelves and start to clean up the closet. Then, while doing my 10 min. laundry bit I had time to dump out that ever present, ever growing sock bag, make matches AND THROW OUT EVERY SOCK THAT DID NOT HAVE A MATE! I only have to go back in my cycle to the kitchen whick naturally takes more time. I included the porches today and was able to dead head the flowers AND fix the little fountain out there. Now I need to add on the upstairs in to the routine. I jump started my office last night. So many papers- I hate that part. Now before the buzzer rings..gotta go. My 10 minutes are nearly up!

Where's my watch?

2012-01-18T00:07:00.001-05:00

For months..ok, for years I talked about being able to retire from the Post Office on Oct 11, 2011. I had a few false starts over the years, near misses or maybe near hits when I almost left earlier. The last time I held out for one last year for a better retirement offer. (Which ended up being less than if I actually left a year ago.) That is not my blog however. This is my blog: I am retired!!!!
In October I was going to hold out for a few extra weeks and just end my time with my departure for my long awaited trip to Haiti. When I received the news of cancer the trip was cancelled and the retirement postponed to avail myself of the sick leave that I would have lost completely otherwise.So basically I went out on sick leave and just didn't go back. I was operated on on October 10th just one day shy of my original retirement day. My retirement day got switched from October 31 until Nov 30.
Dealing with cancer and having my home filled with my wonderful daughters and grandchildren gave me little time to dwell on this retirement thing. Then Gwenn went back to Haiti and Melody and the girls left for PA and the house was quiet so I dove in to my new reality..for a few days. Then Gwenn and Nick got robbed and Gwenn and the children came in and I postponed the retirement idea for a while.
It is not like I got up early like on work days for the last 26 years. Not at all. But I just didn't have time to redefine what my life would become without punching a time clock.
Right after Gwenn and the children left I was sick so it began to feel like a new normal would never be realized.
The day arrived! Finally on Monday, Jan 16th more than three months since my last work day it is sinking in. And I am starting to carve out a plan....Lord only knows about that! I fully understand my time is in His hands. Each day a gift and a blessing. I have dreams and visions. I am excited about tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the next.
Pastor Frank spoke on New Year's day about the scripture "without vision my people perish". (Isaiah) I want to have huge visions and I want to see God bring them to pass.I want to learn. I want to grow. I want to go . I want to teach. I want to share. I want to encourage. I want to live a life of passion for the things that my God is passionate about. I want to minister to my children and my grandchildren. I want to minister to my husband Steve and create a home that is a refuge. I want to have meaningful time with each of my grandchildren. I want to teach them the secrtes of the universe and the secrets of my heart. I want to carry their secrets safely never demeaning them for their childish fears or frustrations.
I want to learn home to cook wholesome, healthy, great tasting food that even Steve will like. I want to learn how to discipline myself in so many areas.
I want to spend time in Haiti. I want to see what God is planning for my company Jacmel Bay (doesn't count as work cause I love it so much :) I want to serve my church and my community. I want to be free to study the Word with woman.....during the DAY time! I want to be free to visit my children, my sister and my sister in law and my aunts and uncles..and the more I type the more excited I am becoming because y'all I AM RETIRED!!!! I have cleaned out my refrigerator, freezer, several cabinets, washed the bathroom floor, started a class on Tues night.. It's real..It's real..It's real!!!!!!!
Ok..where is my gold watch? I think people get gold watches when they retire. Forget the watch. Who needs a golden watch when you have golden time?

The best Christmas?

2011-12-26T15:10:00.000-05:00

After my surgery and as I was starting to feel really good I had all of these good intentions about how "great" Christmas would be this year. I would bake and decorate and have lots of time to work on my business , Jacmel Bay. I imagined having a party and inviting people into my perfectly clean home with the smells of gingerbread in the oven (as opposed to Yankee candle on the candle warmer.)
Sometimes we need to release our expectations about how things "should" look and gracefully accept how the actually are.
Gwenn came to stay with me after the surgery.She took care of me. Then Melody and the girls came and continued to care for me. When the house was quiet again I started to dive in to projects that have been neglected for years. Thus the start of a "perfect" holiday.Less than a week later Gwenn and Nick were robbed in Haiti and shortly after she was back with the three American children. Let me just say up front that I am so glad to have her and the children here! I have never had a Christmas with these grandchildren.
We had already planned to spend Thanksgiving with Melody and Chris and the girls in PA and had a really wonderful few days with them. Chris even go tickets for Steve and I to go to a play while we were there.Honestly, Melody and Chris are amazing hosts! And what fun I have with Melody and her thrift store/yard sale passion! Evie makes me feel like I am really someone special!
The night before Thanksgiving I rolled over in bed and actually heard a "pop" coming from behind my right knee.The pain can only be compared to childbirth...except it was in my leg :) Thanksgiving AM was spent in the ER and here I am after Christmas and have not had a follow up appointment and still hobbling around and not kneeling down.
All this to say that Christmas was not shaping up how I imagined. Sometimes I felt frustrated by the fact I had not pulled out even half of my Christmas things. Frustrated that while the greens are gathered I still have yet to make my yearly wreath for the front door. Frustrated that while I have bought all of the ingredients for cookies I have not made the first cookie.Frustrated by the pain in my knee not allowing me to move freely. Frustrated that I have not been the "fun" grandmother doing all the holiday "fun" stuff with the grandchildren. Oh sure we did do a bunch of cool things (saw the Manteo Christmas parade for the first time ever!)..but I was not always 'fun'. "Micah...what are you crazy??" , "Josiah, you are too loud!", "Johanna! get down!" , "Nia, not now." , "Nico, you and your brother go watch a movie." , "Pick up your coat...hat...shoes...toys......brush your teeth.....STOP IT!!!!" Not exactly the fun, silly, loving, gentle, and playful grandmother I long to be, once was...hope to be again....kind of grandmother.
One night when I looked at a Santa Clause mug I told the kids about my own (hated) great-grandmother who kept me and my brother and sister apart from our father when he came to deliver very similar mugs to up after the separation of my parents. Her rage that day separated her from my affections for the rest of her life. I still can not think of one good thing to say about her. I don't know why I told them the story but they have asked to have me repeat it nearly every day. The only thing she taught me is that I don't want to be like her.
In my times of frustration when things are not so 'perfect' I understand how important it is for me to not let my expectations cloud my reality. So what if all the decorations did not get up. So what we didn't make cookies or wreaths. Really..so what!!!
I had a Christmas break through. I was with Gwenn and the children at Gwenn's church Crosspointe in Cary. A song about relationships was being sung. I remember thinking "not very Christmasie but really pretty." And then it came. I felt tears well up as I had this quiet moment to reflect. I found thoughts rushing through my head. "I am alive this Christmas! I did not die from cancer. I did not make Christmas a really bad time for my family by being dead. Gwenn is alive! Nia and Nick and Josiah and Nico and all the other kids!!! Alive!! The robbers did not kill them!Ruby was born beautiful and healthy without the problems that had shown themselves in the pregnancy. Gwenn did not die from staph and Josiah did not die from what ever he had!!We have a home that while messy and small is a haven where my grandchildren feel safe and loved! This in fact is the BEST Christmas ever.

Well not really, there was one that was better. It was another messy and loud one. It was a Christmas that did not meet the expectations of the family. No cookies or decorations. No wreath. Just a baby in a barn and parents to keep Him safe a warm. Parents willing to do whatever needed to be done to keep their family together. Even if being together meant to be separated for a time as Gwenn and Nick are. Christmas. Not always pretty. But always beautiful.

Thanking God for getting the "stuff" out of the way so I could see His heart.

(Looking at these pictures I think..hmm...maybe I WAS the fun grandmother!)

One Month

2011-11-03T11:19:00.000-04:00

I started to blog this brush with cancer on the day that the doctor gave me the news. That was one month (lifetime) ago. My mind can barely wrap around the facts that has been my life in this month. I truly am humbled by the outpouring of love and attention from my family and so many others.They have loved me well. I am blessed. I am humbled by the love of my God.
I have know so many people who walked the cancer road who suffered so much yet held on to their faith.My road has been short and easy in comparison. My heart goes to those who even today are dealing with the questions and fears that I lived for only one month that they are knowing as a new lifestyle.

My nephew's wife Lisa was 37 when she left this world. She did everything right. She went to the doctors early, she modified her diet. She worshiped and prayed and worked and laughed.The last time I saw Lisa was six weeks before she died. She was the picture of healing as she came in the house after shoveling out the house stall. I never knew her to feel sorry for herself. She died with courage and honor and beauty. Four years later the pain for her family is still close. She left three young children.
Why God choose to take Lisa and heal me I will not know this side of glory. But I do know that even in Lisa's death He is glorified. Harder to see to our human eyes maybe but true just the same.
Cancer killed my mother, my father, my grandfather and my uncle. (to name a few) There is a good chance that if Jesus does not return first that I will have to walk the cancer road again. If not in me then in someone close to me. It is just a fact of the fall. I am not claiming it or jinxing myself. It is just a real possibility that I must face. How I choose to face facts of life and death is all that I can control. And I choose life. Life even in facing death. I choose to acknowledge that worry can not add one hair to my head or one day to my life. Everything I am or ever will be is in the hands of my loving Father. This day He has spoken Life. And I rejoice and am glad.
In one month...He rocked my world. I am beyond humbled.

Giddy

2011-10-27T12:17:00.001-04:00

Giddy with excitement and smiling at the future! So much to say..later. For now..I am so honored to be the child of a loving God!
On a perhaps lesser note..SO this is what if feels like to get 8 hours of sleep every night for 2 weeks!!!! The air is clear, the breeze is cool, the mosquitoes are GONE and the sun is shinning. SO much to get done and keep on having to remind myself that I actually have the time to do it!!!!!!
Thanking so many for going to the throne of grace on my behalf. I will die someday but for now God has spoken LIFE!! to Him be all the glory!!!!!

So...this is it.

2011-10-24T23:34:00.000-04:00

I sit in my newly redone studio/office space that Melody spent LOTS of hours cleaning and organizing for me. It's like here I am at this great place of new beginnings. And I am. Soon I will be officially retired. I have not set an alarm clock in two weeks. I have lots of business possibilities coming around.It is exciting.
Tomorrow I go back to the oncologist. He will tell me what the next chapter of my life will look like. He in no way controls how this book will read but he knows the title of the next chapter. Seems funny to me that the information that will alter my course one way or another, information that is so important to me, has most likely been sitting on his desk for days....
No doubt he has reviewed it by now....this is the closest to anxious I have been to date. But I still rest in knowing that God is for me and not against me. And...I trust Him...

A Merry Melody

2011-10-23T18:25:00.000-04:00

When I first moved to NC sixteen years ago she was my closest and actually only friend. Steve had remained up north to sell the house and Gretchen and Gwenn were in college. So Melody and I packed our bags..and boxes.. and a large truck and moved to Manteo. We rented a small (cold) apartment at Morrison Grove and set out exploring our new life here.

Having ten months without the distractions of a normal life we grew quite close. When I felt discouraged or downhearted Melody would leave me sweet little notes on my pillow or on the mirror. We shared a love for old houses and would drive around and look at every house on the market. There was one old house on Sunny Side that she loved and would make me park outside of it for long periods of time so she could imagine what it would be like to live there. "Can't you just imagine me sitting under that tree and writing my first novel?" Sometimes I wonder if I had bought that house if she would have written that book by now. In those months we talked about her hopes and dreams. We talked about boys and dish towels. She gave me a surprise 40th birthday party and invited our only new friend. Kevin was an eighteen year old surfer who told me I was phat and I wasn't sure if I should accept that as a compliment or an insult. We laughed til we cried when he tried to set up our Christmas tree and ended up using a wire and nailed it to that walls to make it stand up.
When Melody left to go to Fire School in Florida it was hard to let her go and she has not lived in Manteo since. That was a long time ago. When Melody married Chris and moved to PA it was hard to have her so far away. We see each other a lot. We are still very close.
This time of my recovery has been a special time with my Merry Melody. I'm not saying I am glad for my cancer. I am glad however to have Melody and her three beautiful little girls here with me for a more extended stay.
Some times hard times bring their own reward.

In the Quiet

2011-10-21T14:39:00.000-04:00

The house is quiet. Cana is sleeping. Evie is upstairs playing a game. Melody and Ruby are out. Steve is at work and the other grandchildren won't be here for an hour. I am reflecting on the burst of activity in my life and how for most of it I had to sit passively as I watched it happen around me. I am blessed and grateful for all this activity that was directed at moving me on to a healthier place. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I have yet to get the results of my pathology from my operation. I don't know what is going to happen in my tomorrows. But I fell good. I am not anxious or in fear.
When this is all over I will be officially retired from the US Postal Service. YAY!!!! I have worked since I was 13 years old. During the 'baby' years I took children into our home and worked part time jobs like school crossing guard, cleaned offices, this and that. In 1986 when my 'baby' was three years old I stared at the Post Office. Since that time every Saturday has been a work day. I have not been able to be involved in women's study groups or coffee times. For the first time in ....ever.....I don't have to set my alarm clock!
Because I can't lift anything heavier than a milk jug it cramps my style a bit and I can't dive in the way I would like to. For months I have been piling things in various places knowing that I would be able to really organize my home as soon as I retired. Sure didn't count on this. However....I do have a Melody in my life who is tearing through my piles, staying up late every night and restoring order to my neglected home. Mostly I watch her and try to help with the kids cause she is like me and finds it easier to 'do it myself'. So I humbley let her. So even if I can't do what I have been waiting to do for months it is nice to have it being done just the same. And she is more ruthless than me and 'encourages' me to toss out things I may have otherwise kept.
I understand a little why people on the Hoarders show get so upset. If 'helping' a person is not done with a caring attitude it can make you feel really threatened. And old. Melody does not make me feel this way.
So with Gwenn here to do my makeover and straighten out my paper work (because I honestly could not handle that right now without crying) and Melody straightening out my home ...well..I feel like I am ready to take on this retirement thing full on!
In this quiet..I am thankful for this journey. For my family. To my God. Life is good. Come what may.

Breathe

2011-10-19T00:42:00.002-04:00

Today I took Evie and Cana to the Aquarium. Well..I didn't actually take them there. Melody did because I am still on the "Denise can't drive" thing for another week. While there we went to Neptune's theater to see the Show. Which Evie promptly informed me was not a "show". Yes ..she was right. It was an educational presentation. Can't fool the daughter of a music promoter. :)
One fact that really touched me was about dolphins. Because a dolphin is a mammal it needs to breath air. When a baby dolphin is born the mother's sisters will often stay with the mom for the delivery. When the baby dolphin comes out the aunts will often help usher the baby to the surface so it can take it's first breath.
What a picture of family. Having my children here during this time has been so awesome. Sometimes I need them to push ME to the surface to catch my breath.
I am so thankful to my God who paints this picture of family. The natural family and the family of Christ.

Survivor's guilt..7 days post surgery

2011-10-17T23:34:00.000-04:00

My name was on the prayer list in a local church prayer list. First let me say "I love that!" I love that churches I do not even attend are including me on their list. Next to my name it said : "cancer".
Wow..this has not yet sunk in. I hope it does not have a chance to actually. But somehow..somehow I feel like I am cheating. If all goes well I would have found out I had cancer in my body and they took it out all in the course of a week! Yes, I very much hope that is what will happen here. But somehow it doesn't seem fair. So many people with "cancer" suffer. I mean really suffer. I have not suffered. I have had mild to moderate discomfort for one week. I could not sit down with someone who has cancer and say "I know how you feel." My daughter Gwenn says it is a kind of survivor guilt. Like when she when through the earthquake. Of course it was hard for her but so many had it so much worse it was hard to process the fact that she and all of her family were alive and still had a home.
Interesting enough I have learned of several people who have learned they have cancer since I learned of my own. For those new cases I feel like maybe God can use me to encourage. Maybe that is why I have this blog... I don't know.
On Tues of next week I will get the results..I pray that if I still need treatment that God will be glorified. I pray that if I am cancer free God will be glorified. I pray that I will be a survivor and live to tell His story. I pray that I will be a friend and live to listen to yours.

A Little Weepy..Overwhelmed..day 12

2011-10-14T22:31:00.000-04:00

The surgery went well. I think my recovery is going well. I have around me so many of the people that make me happy. Each with their own gifts and abilities to encourage me! My friends and neighbors, coworkers, facebook friends have sent me cards and flowers, fruit and offered prayers. I am learning to listen to my body and not fight the temporary limitations that I have.
Tonight, the house is quiet. I have been working on paper work. And more paper work and then some more. And I am finding it hard to concentrate on any of it. And when I can't find the stamps I just bought I start to cry.
I have piles of important papers everywhere. As the team leader for the trip to Haiti (that I am not going on) I have deposits and itineraries and passport info and travel insurance info to gather and print and put in one place.
I have to file a claim to get a refund on my ticket to Haiti. More papers and they all have to get filled out and signed by doctors...Which doctors? the family doctor?, the Ob/Gyn? the oncologist?? Do I have to contact the airlines...do they?
Then there is the FMLA...whose phone answering system did not function properly...more forms..
The retirement papers...the state sales taxes...the regular bills..
And my mind can not focus on any of it.
The doctor said to expect this. He said it would be hard to concentrate...it is. I just want to throw away every paper in my house and start over...sigh...enough complaining.
The reason I feel a need to share this frustration is because it would not be fair to share my cancer story and make it seem like it was all faith and love letters in the sand. This part is hard for me. I wanted to go to Haiti SO bad. Anyone who knows me, has met me, ran into me at the store, bumped into me on the sidewalk KNOWS that I was counting down the days. My Google desktop a daily/minute/second reminder of the time my flight would leave next Friday. This is hard stuff. This is were my faith could be challenged! But still...still... there is the reminder.. a daughter who honors me with a new tattoo on her arm.. daughters who write their love for me in the way they care for my home and my needs, a husband who stands by me in every way and a God who writes me love letters in the sand...and I know..I know that I know that I know...

He if faithful..and this is all stuff that is just trying to get me off track..

Soap Box. Day 10/part 2

2011-10-12T15:46:00.000-04:00

This blog is for any woman who is 50 years old. Or any woman under 50. Or any woman over 50. Or any man who loves a woman. Or any man who has a wife. Or a sister. Or a mother.
Cancer. And a great hush fell over the crowd.
We have seen the pink ribbons and the cute tee-shirts about breast cancer. We have all heard for years about he importance of breast exams. Both self exams and doctor exams annually. We even have a postage stamp dedicated to raising money for breast cancer research. These are all positive moves. We need to not be quiet about the dangers of breast cancer.
We all know about the importance of a yearly pap smear. I know..this is perhaps a little harder to say out out loud because let's face it..on a good day is it uncomfortable and awkward. Many woman shy away from this test because it is uncomfortable.
But I did all the routine tests. Had a few really uncomfortable breast biopsies that thankfully did not show cancer. I had yearly paps and even the dreaded colonoscopy!All the tests came back negative. So how is it that I sit here 2 days after a hysterectomy to hopefully rid my body of uterine cancer??
I am 2 years post menopausal. Yes, I know this is very personal and some of you..especially men may decide here to stop reading. Your choice..
I felt fine. No reason at all to suspect that a TINY bit of spotting should be something to be concerned about. In fact I almost did not mention it to a PA when it first happened. It seems so minor. Not even enough blood to use a pad. I did mention it and was told this could happen for a while after menopause.
Nothing happened again for several months. Then again.. the same thing. I waited a few weeks and it came again. I went to the Internet and googled "post menopausal spotting". The first hit I got was "any amount of bleeding after menopause is not normal." I went to a new doctor who did a repeat pap and that was fine. She set up a inter vaginal sonogram for me to look further. I thought this would be terrible. It really was less uncomfortable than a pap. This showed some irregularities. I was immediately sent to an OB/GYN for a biopsy of the lining of the uterus. This I will admit was very uncomfortable. In less than a week I had the answer. Cancer. I was shocked. I thought for sure we were going to find some minor easily treated problem.
The same week I got my results back so did the sister of a friend of mine. We were both 55 yrs. old. That is very young for this type of cancer.
Uterine cancer is a very common female cancer. If caught early it is the most treatable female cancer. The uterus is a muscle that holds the cancer in one spot IF CAUGHT EARLY.
That is why I am writing this blog. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought that a pap smear was the end all for female cancers. Women need to listen to their bodies. If we think something 'may' be wrong and a doctor doesn't agree it is ok to question that.
Uterine cancer is most often found in overweight women. Guilty. It is often found in women with hormone replacement therapy. Not guilty. It often can be found in families who have had colon cancer...yep..that's me.
I wait now for the two weeks to find out what next? if anything. I hope/pray that the cancer is gone. So, if you are a woman or know a woman I want to tell you not to be afraid to say aloud what you may suspect. Address it today. Not next week or next month. Make an appointment today. Even if it means you have to cancel a trip to Disney World..or even Haiti.

A Two Blog kind of Day. Day 10

2011-10-12T14:34:00.000-04:00

What a birthday party! The waiting room filled with family and friends! Cards and greetings and love pouring down! This was a wonderful birthday! Hopefully leaving cancer behind as I go into this new year is a wonderful gift from God.
Ok..so I don't know yet if that is the case. But in this waiting room I choose to believe that the future looks bright. If I have other treatments to deal with that when it comes.For now..it's pain meds and full makeovers :)
Yes..I had glamour shots today thanks to my daughter Gwenn. As silly as it feels to be sitting here with full 'wedding' makeup it's fun. It's great to have a light heart. I am richly blessed! This afternoon Gretchen will bring over her babies to visit me. Katie has been working on a surprise for me ( I hope she brings it!) And I look forward to Melody arriving with her 3 babies sometime this week! Steve has been taking care of me as well. Selah sisters are bringing dinner tonight.Flowers just arrived at my door! It makes me so grateful. It also makes me so aware of those who don't have the support group around them that I have.
Now on the other hand..lest you think life is all "sunshine and lolipops'...this physically hurts more than i expected. I hate taking narcotics and can't imagine why anyone would use them for fun! BUT I am thankful to live in a country where they are available and I am thankful for health insurance that makes them more attainable.

I am remained of two years ago when Gwenn and Nick were staying in Port-Au-Prince for language school. Woody, a young teen from Jacmel was hurt in a moto accident. His leg was broken in 2 places and because it was very difficult for his parents to make the trip over the mountain every day Gwenn became a care-giver for Woody. His leg was in traction using a milk bottle filled with water as a weight for the traction. Gwenn had to feed and bathe this young man as well as provide everything he needed while in the hospital. (food ,hygiene ect.)Nurses were not responsible to care for hygiene or toileting. Even though I did not have the best nursing care while in the hospital I had great care compared to what Woody had in Haiti. We in America do not really understand how blessed we are as a nation. It health care equal? No. Some people are 'more equal' than others. But even the worst that we have to offer in the US is still far better than the best to be offered in some other countries. This is not a 'soap box' moment..simply a statement of fact. We need to be thankful. I am thankful.

A Birthday Party- Day 7

2011-10-09T21:00:00.000-04:00

So my birthday party is shaping up to be quite an event! I wonder how many of my family will get kicked out of the waiting room for their raucous behaviour!
All these people that are coming..well I've told them they don't need to be there. BUT I am blessed that they will be. When there is a wound in our physical body the white blood cells rush in to do battle with the germs that are trying to attack the body. So it is with the Body of Christ. I am humbled by the outpouring of love and support for me and my family. And I am deeply grateful to God for placing me in this circle of encouragement.
Time and time again God has whispered His thoughts to me and time and time again He has sent others in to speak those thoughts out loud so I would be sure to hear them. To be alone would surly be worse than the cancer itself.
I want to live. I am excited about the future. I believe that I will be completely healed. If I an not..it does not change my faith at all. When I came home from my first trip to Haiti in the Spring of 2009 I wrote a blog about The Solid Rock . That rock has not shifted since then. It did not shift when the earth quaked and it did not shift when Gretchen nearly died. The rock is solid. It was, it is and it will be solid.
I have no doubt that I have faced and am facing an attack of the enemy. He can't have a victory. I do not acknowledge any power he may think his has on my life. I am a child of God. He created me in Christ Jesus before I was born. Jesus fights my battles. So tomorrow.. if you pray for me...do it in praise and thanksgiving. Believers, worship Him. Non believers ask Him to show you what this means. Pray that all of us would have divine appointments tomorrow! Make us ready to meet those appointments. If you have the time to listen to the song I posted on my blog earlier today, listen to it. All nine minutes of it and pray with me. It would be great if you could do it at 10 AM..
Thank you for walking this path with me. Looking forward to see the Hand of God revealed!

my prayer and song

2011-10-09T14:28:00.002-04:00

http://youtu.be/Z8QIH37fYug

Was this really my last day at the Post Office??

2011-10-08T20:14:00.000-04:00

I think it will take me a while to really understand that I am finished working for the Postal Service. When I started I was the mother of three young daughters. In fact, Melody was still in nursery school! Now she is the mother of three daughters!
I had walked into the Post Office one morning to get my mail and Mrs. Kuhl the Postmaster said to me "You want a job?" I said "Sure". Here I am 25 years later, the grandmother of a whole mess of kids and ready to start the next chapter of the book of my life that my God is writing.
I admit as nice as it was to be honored by my coworkers it still was bitter sweet. But I am still believing in hope for the future. And I am praying that this will one day be remembered as "water gone by".
Today I was thinking about the fact that I know God will be glorified in this. Then I remembered a dog we had named Nutmeg. She was from the pound and the policy was that all female dogs must be spade. So we paid our $54.00 special rate and brought her to the vet. When we went to pick her up they said that after they opened her up they discovered she had already been spade!
Wouldn't it be cool if the doctors opened me up and found the God had already 'spade' me???
Gwenn is on her way to the States! Steve will pick her up in the morning! Melody and the girls will be coming in as soon as they are feeling better. And Gretchen is here~ I know you are jealous they they are not your daughters..sorry...you can't have them~

This is not how I dreamed the story would unfold.. day 5

2011-10-08T00:21:00.000-04:00

For twenty five years I have worked in a job that has required me to work a schedule that I really don't like. Every Sat, many Sundays. Both side of most holidays. Early morning alarm clocks. BUT it was a good job in many ways. I enjoy my contact with the public and the job itself really is not so bad. But for 25 years I have longed for the time when I could be a stay at home domestic type. Oh I knew I would have to work but finally ....finally I have found the work I was born to do! It was like everything I have done since I became a Christian in 1977 was preparing me for this season. I spoke often this year about having come to the most exciting time in my life.
Finally the day would come! On my 56 birthday I would be eligible to retire! The paper work done and turned in I decided to wait until the end of October to retire but spend the last week of work on vacation in Haiti. It was exciting to think about turning in my cash drawer, working the counter and saying 'so long' to the customers I have grown to know and love so well over these many years! I was pumped and ready!
So tomorrow is that last day that I have longed for for such a long time..today I counted out my cash and signed the necessary forms. Got to the bottom of a few forwarding problems. And cried..
This is not how I dreamed this story would unfold....
I can't see next year..next month..next week...tomorrow... I am not being fatalistic. I just can't know if the dreams that were unfolding for my future will look anything like I hoped. I can't say I am scared. At moments I am. I am quite thankful that the doctors have moved on this so quickly. It does not give me much of a chance to think "cancer". I am praying that by the time the idea sinks in it will be gone. Jesus did not say to me that He would heal me. He said "Do you trust me?" I know He has His best for me in His heart. I just don't know if we would agree on what is 'best'.
So while I did have a hard time at work today after work my closest friend Candy took me out for birthday lunch. I am so blessed to have this woman in my life who just lets me be transparent. I love Candy so very, very much. We have been together for births of children and the death of a child. We have been thought sickness and earthquakes and adoptions.We have worked through church difficulties and aging partent. We have laughed and cried and danced. She has rallied the troops around me to pray and care for me. So in all my uncertainly there are some things that won't change. My husband, my children, my grandchildren and my Candy as well as so many others will still be there tomorrow.My dream for me revolves around my relationships. That part of the dream is still on solid ground. I also know that God knew that on the very day I would be eligible to retire that I would be undergoing a operation to remove cancer from my body.. I guess He knew I would not need to take it with me anymore than I need my postal uniforms. He knows what I need. And His has bigger dreams for me than I have for me. And I have to answer Him with my whole heart. "Yes. I trust you." And I thank Him that when I am afraid I can close my eyes and see the 'little girl' Denise climb up on His lap. I can feel His embrace and when I can't even look in His eyes He lifts my chin and cups my face and looks me straight in the eyes and says "You're my girl. I've got this."

weirdness and butterflies and flowers...day 4

2011-10-06T15:42:00.000-04:00

Really..??? is this only day four since the great reveal that cancer was found in my body???
Weirdness..the very reason I am blogging was to help dispel it. You know that awkward silence when someone does not know what to say. Well in some ways it has been very effective. I especially liked it when friends whom I only see once or twice a year did not hesitate to call me. I like that. They may have not been certain of what to say but they did not shy away from me. Others, when they make eye contact they look away. Some hesitate when they say "How are you?" indicating that perhaps they have heard but they are afraid to say and I don't know if they really have so I don't say. Weirdness...I have been there myself. This does not offend me at all. I know it is just hard sometimes for people to talk about 'it'. The 'it' that enters the room before I enter and lingers after I leave. Weirdness when I go into Subway and tell Gilbert that I wont be in for awhile and I start crying and can't answer him..Really??? I have told so many people why would this bother me??? But unweirdness when Gilbert looks me straight in the eyes and quotes scriptures to me in my weakness and tells me he will be fasting and praying for me. Yes. This happened in Subway.Weirdness when I get prayed for at church (which if great) but then some people who normally talk to me after a service can bring themselves to now. Unweridness when a young girl you have never met runs to catch up with you and say "You don't know me, but I will be praying for you." (Her name was Heidi)
But on the other side of weirdness is blessings. Blessings with the hundreds of people who say they are praying. Blessings when a son in law who will remain nameless publicly displays affection on facebook :), blessings when a friend goes for a walk on the beach and photographs butterflies that make her think of and pray for me. Blessings of arriving home from work to find a beautiful vase of flowers on my doorstep from friends far away. Blessings of laughter. Connecting with my sister. Blessing of remembering my mom and having a boss who really 'gets it' and cares. It is a little embarrassing to read all the comments on face book about how great I am. But it makes me smile. Knowing that even though there is a weirdness at times..the blessings outweigh them a thousand to one.

I am learning how to be a friend. My friends are teaching me. And lo! I may walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I walk through it! I don't go under the shadow and stay there! I walk through it~ and what a beautiful shadow it is!

Closer than the air I breath-day 3

2011-10-05T15:31:00.000-04:00

Today I went to work and took a minute to talk to each coworker and let them know what was happening. I don't want to shroud this in mystery and make me unapproachable. Watching a persons eyes when you say "I have cancer" is very revealing. I am glad that God is giving me the peace I need to walk this road. I truly believe that God "inhabits the praises of His people" and when I worship I am overcome with joy and thanksgiving. This is the time that the tears come...but they are not bad tears...they are good tears. Tears that come with contorted facial gestures and heaving shoulders. Not so good when you are driving :)
After work I had to drop off some clothing at the place where they are collecting for the families who lost everything in hurricane Irene. I noticed that the other lane was backed up a long way due to construction and then I looked down and saw the gas gage was on E. Oh yeah...Steve drove my car up the beach the other day...I didn't think I would have enough gas to wait in that line to get back to the gas station so I went over the bridge (praying I had enough fuel to get me over the bridge) and then took the scenic route home. As I came over the other bridge I thought of stopping and looking for sea glass (sound glass really) on the far side of the bridge. I was glad for the long way home it gave me time to listen to worship music and enter into the presence of Jesus. I decided to continue on when His voice said to me "No stop. I have something for you." So I stopped. As I took off my shoes and was thanking Him for such a beautiful day I walked to the sand and then I saw it!

It's hard to see in the photo but it say "Happy Birthday!" I burst out crying. Again happy tears. I smiled so hard for so long my face about hurt! As I walked I picked up undone pieces of glass, even a pretty blue one. And I asked Him for a special treasure.I found a pocket knife I picked it up hoping that was not meant to be someone else's treasure thinking Micah would like that since he left his in PA. Then I found an interesting piece. That was it. I need to make a necklace out of it to remember that my God walked with me today. And He will walk with me tomorrow. I will post a picture after I put it together. But God also wanted me to put all the other pieces down. Even the pretty blue one. Maybe He was saying "Denise,do you love me more than these?" "Yes Lord you know I love you." "Then feed my sheep."
This path that God has chosen is not just about me. But it is about me. God reminding me that I have a Daddy who cares enough to write "Happy Birthday" in the sand. A God who loves me so much that He puts hundreds of people in my life to lift me up and carry me. And when you KNOW that someone loves you like that..well you can't help but talk about Him!
God has not told me He will heal me but this He did do. I came in the house and turned on the radio wanting to hear more worship. There was NOTHING like worship on. So He said "turn on WJTL on your computer." I said..."Let me get lunch first." He said "No. Now. I have something to say to you.I obeyed (I mean really ...wouldn't you??) The very first words I heard were "Our God is Healer!" Chris Tomlin singing the words I so needed to hear. Our God is Greater!
http://youtu.be/zlA5IDnpGhc

I thought you should hear it from me first...day one

2011-10-04T22:25:00.000-04:00

The doctor called with the news today. I knew that it was bad by his tone. "It's not good is it?" I said. "Not what I was hoping for. Can you come right in?" he replied. And so it begins..
Cancer. Yes that is what it is. Not the "c" word or the condition..call it like it is. I have cancer. Only time will tell where this road will take me but this much I KNOW..I am not alone.
I am choosing now on this very first day that this shall be a road of thanksgiving and praise. I am choosing that I will seek to allow my Lord Jesus to use me. In whatever way He wants. If I live it is to His glory. If I die it is to His glory.
I do not expect that this will kill me. I did not think that the tests would come back as cancer. Do I believe God will heal me? I hope so so very much on so many levels. Will I become scared/angry/doubtful? Very possibly. Will I cry? I imagine so.
My paperwork was complete to retire this month. Twenty five years and so ready for the next chapter to begin! Two weeks out from leading a team to Haiti. Starting a business working with the deaf in Haiti...Life was going really well!
The thought of missing that trip so far has been the hardest thing to swallow. I miss my Haitian kids so much! I so want to reconnect with my Jacmel Bay artists and move on to the next stage of our business development. Instead...I am reading the trip insurance policy and praying that I somehow will not really have to cancel.
Telling my children and those closest to me has been hard. I hurt for them as I could remember being told that my mom had cancer. I thank God that my girls have each other. They need to emote together. I informed my doctor that my daughters should be listed on my chart so that they could call and get information if they wanted to. In this time of instant communication some important information is not available. They call it HIPPA. or something like that. I get where it came from but I never want to cut off my kids from important information.
God trusts me enough to allow me to represent Him here on earth. I love Jesus enough to desire to represent Him in an honest way. I am tired of Christians who sometimes have a "name it and claim it" philosophy. I will not test my God. Christians get cancer. Even Christians who have a lot of faith get cancer. Anyway... the bible tells us that faith is a gift. I did not conjure it up. It was given to me. The amount I have is the amount that was given. Do I believe God can heal me?? YES! I know He can. He has done it before! And I am counting on Him to do it again...
And so the journey begins. I thank my God for my husband who follows God's heart. I ask God to lead and guide and comfort him. I thank God for my girls and their husbands..all who are God followers. I thank God for the children who will touch the tender spots to bring me laughter.I thank you Jesus for my extended family who will walk this path with me. I thank my God for my Candy...a friend who has been with me in every trial and celebration for the last 15 years. I thank my God for the Body of Christ and the fellowship of the saints..And as hard as this is to say ..I thank God for this cancer. For even in cancer He will be glorified.I thank my Jesus who walked the Via Dol a Rosa..the road to the cross. He understands..everything.

Day Two
We headed out to Norfolk today to see the oncologist. When I walked in I saw two people with no hair. "Oh..right." I thought.."That's where I am." Less than 24 hours after hearing the word "cancer" I was sitting with the oncologist discussing my treatment. Holding on to that one last ounce of hope I started to ask him about my trip to Haiti.."NO!" was his reply before I finished my sentence. It brought tears but I was grateful to not have to make this decision myself.
They don't waste any time here and after telling me that I had cancer of the lining of the uterus. He continued to tell me that I would need a total hysterectomy on Monday. Monday..Oct 10th..my birthday. At 10 AM. Instead of thinking "What a lousy way to spend my birthday!" I thought 10-10 @ 10 AM and I remembered back one year ago to My Magical Birthday and the blog I wrote last year. And the importance of the number 10 in the bible. And I knew God was telling me that He remembered me and it made me smile. He knows my name. I am His child.
So it seems that if all goes well I will be operated on on Monday and be home on Tuesday. Gwenn is coming from Haiti and Melody is coming from PA with the girls. Gretchen, Gwenn and Melody will have some rare sister time. I know this will be hard. I know it will be painful. But oh the pain it would be to be alone in this! I am so blessed beyond measure! I am believing that God's purpose in this is so much bigger than I may ever know. So pray with me for divine appointments. Pray with me that God will open doors and hearts for me to share the hope that I know in Christ. Pray with me that I will carry in my illness the compassion of Jesus Himself and that He will be glorified.
I know this may seem a little 'tacky' to share this so publicly but a few things come to mind. Cancer is usually whispered if spoken at all. The bible tell us to bring things into the light. And...so many people are already finding out about this that I want to share openly so no one has to be afraid to talk about it. I have cancer. I know it. You know it. Done. Let's move on. God has good things ahead.

My Baby's Baby

2011-06-24T22:25:00.001-04:00

I put THIS blog in the wrong place..

"Mommy, something is VERY wrong with the baby! They think in might be his heart."

2011-06-01T20:46:00.002-04:00

The phone rang late this afternoon. It was Gwenn calling from Haiti. I wanted to wish Josiah a Happy 4th birthday but had not been able to reach them earlier. I was working at the Dare County Art gallery in downtown Manteo when they called. As we hung up the phone I noted the time...
Sometimes a moment is just that. It comes, it passes and it is gone forever. Other moment get stuck on their way and never leave. Every thought, every site, every sound, every emotion are captured in that moment and become one with it.
I looked at the clock and it struck me. Four years ago to that hour Steve and I got the first call.We were in a restaurant just a few doors down from the Arts Council gallery where I was now sitting. Josiah was FINALLY here! All nearly 10 lbs of him! What a joyful meal we shared.
Then the second call came the one that contained 'the moment'. The moment that set our lives in a tail spin and tried to rob us of our faith and rip our joy from our hearts. "mommy, something is really wrong with the baby. they think it might be his heart!"
We cried out to the Lord and He heard and answered. The days and weeks that followed are a big blur of hospitals and tears and fear. But the moment. The moment is clear. The moment is fresh as if it were lived tonight. The moment that doctors know as life and death. The moment that our God spoke life over death. The moment...

The boy God gave me.

2011-05-29T23:58:00.002-04:00

When I was having babies I never "wanted" a boy or a girl. I wanted a baby and I knew that God could/would make a better choice for our lives than we could.There was honestly not one moment when I felt disappointed that my girls were born as Gretchen, Gwenn and Melody and not David. Melody was almost Meredeth but we flipped a coin and God even made the coin flip right.
Sometimes God likes to give us some 'extras' in life. For me the 'extras' were children. Children who while very loved by their parents were still part of my family because of various life issues. I always thought it interesting that when I started an in home day care most of the children in my home were children of divorce. Having been raised in a one parent home I felt like God choose me for these young children and for the parents as well. I felt I could understand their lives and their hearts just a little better than those who lived the perfect 2.3 children, 2 car, dentist twice a year American Dream.
The children loved me and I loved them. They fit easily into my life and I felt like a natural at this job.
Enter Erik.
Erik had just turned two. He was very quiet and very stubborn. He would not look at me and he covered his face with his hands when I spoke to him as if that would shut me out and he would not have to respond. Erik's family was going thought a very rocky spell. His mom had moved out and his dad was trying to muddle thorough this single parent of three children life. Having started his own business Erik's day was gone often more than 12 hours a day. And as the days passed into months Erik still would not look at me. I found myself growing detached from him and not trying to connect anymore. One night realizing that this kid needed more than what I could give him I prayed "God, I can't love this kid. Will you love him for me?" The next day it changed. He didn't change. I did. I found a new compassion and understanding for this (still stubborn) little guy. As I changed he changed. I was never unkind to Erik before this. I just could not reach him. Until I did.
Months past. Then more months. We got thought potty training with a amble supply of skittle rewards. We floated Cheerios for target practice. Erik was with me still when my I was pregnant with Melody and we would take our afternoon naps on my big king size bed. He worked in my garden and I took him to swimming lessons.I had to bribe him to get in the water with the big cookies we bought at the deli on the way to Round Valley. And months turned to years and Erik was still there. He broke his nose when he slid into home plate and then slid into the wood pile. They didn't ask me at the hospital is I was his mom so I didn't offer that I was not. I got mad at the doctor who was so harsh with him and felt like it wasn't right for me to leave and wasn't right for me to stay when his Dad showed up.
The day came when Erik became too old to justify hiring a babysitter. I was out of a job. I went to work at the Post Office and when I would come home for lunch there sat Erik. He would ride his bike to my house and just hang out. Time past as the visits were not as often but Erik remained close. I think it was in 96 when he came to Creation with us (again). (The first time he came he was about 4 and I remember that sweet little boy popping his hand up and agreeing that he wanted to ask Jesus in his heart.) But it 96 it was different. One night, at about 2 AM I heard someone outside my tent. "Denise..Denise...wake up!" I jumped up fearing the worst and flew open the zipper of my tent. "I wanted you to be the first to know!! I got saved tonight!!!" . With joy that only a mother can know I rejoiced with Erik then went back to sleep. The memory of not being able to love this boy was long gone.
We moved from NJ to NC and within a few years Erik followed.He went through some rough spots. But no matter where he was in his life he always came back. I worried about him a lot. But then something changed.
Enter Stacy.
For the first time since I met the frightened two year old boy Erik seems whole. All the places his parents and my family could not fill are now filled. No longer a little boy standing in the naughty corner in my houseand hiding his face from the world. Now he will stand at the alter with his bride. His parents will be there, his sisters will be there. My son in law will stand with him. My family will be there to cheer him on. I will miss the way he will look directly into his bride's eyes. I will not be there. But this I do know. Erik will be back. Because no matter the circumstances that keep us apart over the years this does not change. God choose to give me a boy and I am proud to see the man he has become.

What is your Calling

2011-04-19T22:33:00.001-04:00

Jacmel Bay new post (HERE)

I guess I planted them

2011-04-11T21:35:00.003-04:00

This afternoon I went out to the garden to check on/admire the plants that I added yesterday. Tomatoes, herbs, cucumbers, watermelon and lots of zinnias. They were doing nicely and it was satisfying seeing the fruit of my labor starting to take shape in my spring garden. I was looking at the red tulips when I noticed- them. Delicate bluebells growing along the boarder of the flowerbed. With a smile I thought that I did not remember planting them. But I did. Because if I did not they would not be there. I bought the bulbs, I dug the soil, I planted the bulbs and much to my surprise they grew in all their sweetness...they grew..just because I planted them.I didn't make them grow. I just planted them. I thought about my garden. Each plant, each flower represented my labor. It didn't seem like work at the time. It was dirty..and sometimes hard but it was a delight and more fun than work. My husband and I raised three daughters. Being a mother was a wonder and a delight for me. I can honestly say that it was not hard. Yes sometimes it was work- but I truly enjoyed it. And sometimes now I am surprised and delighted to see they things that have grown in their lives. Things I don't remember planting but I must have or they would not be there.My girls are smart and funny and compassionate. They are creative and gifted in so many ways. The way they read to their children and sing to them. Even the fact that they hold tightly the same beliefs I have about the importance of breast feeding and not allowing TV to have a major influence in their children's lives. I never told my girls "You make sure you breast feed your children." But they did know how delightful and important it was to me...and so...it just grew..I planted it. I did not make it grow. I just planted it. How wonderful it is to see these surprises pop up in their lives. Back to the garden.. Gardening is not all blossoms and fresh vegetables. There are lots of weeds. They start out pretty slowly. They creep in around the boarders. Sometimes we don't even notice them. And as the gardener I certainly did not set out to plant them there. But here is the fact. They grow because of my neglect. If weeds take over it is because I did not stop them. I allowed them. So it is in my own life. In my personal life I have not set out to be undisciplined or messy or careless but sometimes that is my garden. So as adults if my children struggle in different areas of their lives, if they have some of the same weaknesses that I have...well just as certain as I planted the bluebells that gave them the good characteristics ...well I also allowed the weeds... I think I'll dwell on the bluebells as continue to attack my weeds. Thank you God for the beauty and delights of my garden. Thank you more for the beauty and delights of my daughters..

Article about Jacmel Bay!

2011-03-29T16:49:00.001-04:00

So excited to stumble on (this link) online today!

Remember

2011-03-20T20:16:00.005-04:00

A day to remember. And never forget.

Today is a very somber anniversary. It is a also a day of amazing thanksgiving. This past week when my grandbaby Johanna ate her first piece of birthday cake it kind of smacked me. This year could have been very different. Johanna could have had this special day without her mama there to sing her birthday song and make her birthday cake..and hold her and nurse her. I wrote about this shorty after Gretchen came home. (here) As I reread my words I remembered...and now I remember and give thanks. God choose not to leave Katie, Micah, Abbie and Johanna without a mom. I love God. I just do. I would love him if the story ended differently but I am thankful that it didn't.

Tonight I sit in a hotel room across from the main entrance to Duke Medical Center. Four years ago..a lifetime ago.. Remembering... It washed over me as I drove down the street..entered the front door..looked at the fountain and stood there with tears remembering the sweet voice of 4 yr. old Nia as she threw her coins in the fountain "Jesus, I wish that my little brother Josiah would get all better." In her tender faith she seemed to know that "wishes" only come true when they are prayers.

Open heart surgery for Josiah. Evie with a mass behind her heart. My mom closing her eyes and waking up in heaven. Lisa loosing her battle but winning the prize. An earthquake that rocked my world. Gretchen's coming back home..alive...

Life is made up of these things..hard things....but I can't/won't forget. In the dark days we come to understand..everything that we need to understand. God is able. God is faithful. Even when we are unable and unfaithful. Even when we think the story does not have a happy ending.

Remembering and thanking you Jesus.

A new page

2011-03-14T00:13:00.001-04:00

I have added a new blog page which will be linked to my new (not yet published) website. :)
Visit me there :) jacmelbay.blogspot.com
jacmelbay.com

A Second Chance

2011-03-07T21:38:00.004-05:00

Lettie does not know that she has big shoes to fill. She doesn't not know that she will forever be compared to the one who lived before her. She will not even know that she was a second chance.
When we adopted our first Lab mix from the SPCA is was my daughter Melody who 'found' her. About two years old she grew to become everything a dog owner would want. Her name was "Fancy" but we were just not the kind of people that could call a dog by that name. We changed her name to Chancey because she was given a second chance and it sounded kinda like fancy so we fighured it woul not confuse her.
When Chancey died last spring Steve and I had a hard time with it. ( I wrote about Chancey here: )
Up until today I would still miss her when I pulled up to the house and found it empty.
About two weeks ago I took my grandson Josiah to see the dogs at the SPCA. All the noise freaked him out so we left without seeing 'her'.
The next day I saw a picture of the "Pet of the Week" in the local newspaper. The face of a young Chancey stared back from the page at me. My heart melted. "Good with children, house broken...." Steve and I knew that one day we would want another dog. We also knew we would know her when we saw her. And there she was. I handed the paper to Steve and he read the caption. What I had missed I heard now and it stuck in my throat. Something about Lettie needing a "second chance". We knew it. She was out dog. Steve called first thing in the morning. We were too late..she was taken. Our hearts sank...
On a way outside chance I called back. "I know Lettie is gone but if she gets returned will you please let me know." Less than two weeks later she is asleep on her little dog bed behind my chair. Already she is working her way into our hearts. Watching her play fetch with the grandchildren I realize that while she will never replace Chancey she will be very much a part of out life.
I am thankful that God cared enough to not only give Lettie a second chance but that He gave us a second chance as well.
Welcome home Lettie.

You can sing this song when I'm gone.

2011-02-27T19:18:00.010-05:00

Last night as I tucked in my little Haitian American grandchildren on the last night of their visit I sang them the same song that I sang every night of their visit. This visit, the last visit, every visit. The same song I sang to my own sweet children as I tucked them into their beds long ago and far away. When did I sing the last lullaby to my own children? When did I last read them a bedtime story? When did they last crawl up on my Mama lap for comfort or rest? If I had known that any of those times were the last time I would have held them tighter or sang just one more verse...

Last night as I sang to the children I had to choke back the tears. To say goodbye once again. I know as I attempt to clean up from 2 weeks of nine grandchildren in the house I will find stray socks, unfinished apples, colored pictures with the words "To Nana" printed on the top of the page. What blessing..

When James Taylor first sang this song did he know I would carry it in my heart? Did he know that when I came to the line "But I can sing this song, and you can sing this song when I'm gone?" that I would be thinking about my grandchildren returning to PA, and to Haiti and thinking also about the day when I will actually be gone? Hoping that my children and my grandchildren would sing this song to their children and their grandchildren and somehow it would connect us even when i am not here? Not being morbid..just real...

But now, today.. the song says that the distance that divides us, the cultures that separate us, the days, weeks and months that stand between us can dissolve when we close our eyes and listen to a lullaby.

James Taylor - Your Can Close Your Eyes

(here is a link to my favorite lullaby:)

Close Your Eyes- James Taylor

Giving up the good for the better.

2011-02-21T23:17:00.003-05:00

Today was full day #1 with my Haitian American grandchildren staying at our home in Manteo. It was also a day off for me and a lot of 'catch up' household chores needed my attention after the blessing of having all of my 9 grandchildren around last week.

My mom always said "Many hands make light work." and she taught us as children about 'beating the clock'. So with rags and paper towels and spray bottles filled with non-toxic cleaner I set out to 'beat the clock' with 7 yr. old Nia, 6 yr. old Nicok and 3 yr. old Josiah. The job was going splendidly. Josiah was spraying the lower half of the kitchen window and wiping it with his cloth. No harm done. Streaks go away easy enough. But as I looked back over I saw Nia on the outside of the window standing on the porch spraying the window through the screen. My initial thought was "Stop!!!" but I didn't say it. I went out and told her to wait while I took off the screen. Then I showed her how the clean the winter build up of dirt in the window sills. At this point there was not way to 'beat the clock' and move on to the next task. Out came three screens. Windows were washed inside and out. Streaks left for another day. Screens were rinsed in the hose without getting the children soaked. All hopes of doing the rest of the chores was dashed so we packed up and went on a hike on the north end of the island in pursuit of "Little Foot" whom we have been led to believe lives in the deep forest there.

I am your grandmother.

2011-02-05T23:08:00.004-05:00

The trip over the mountain was long and sickening. Because of the Dramine and a half of some other little pill I only threw up once. And not a whole lot because I knew the reputation of our driver. Fast and aggressive over winding roads with sheer cliffs sometimes with no guard rail.I did not eat much for fear that it might not stay in my stomach.
I finally arrived at my daughter's home in Jacmel,Haiti.It was worth the trip. Eleven children crowded around the truck chanting "NaNa, NaNa!" Even little Maneita whom I had never met was clamoring to reach the door as the pick up slowly pulled to a stop.The child safety feature must have been engaged because I could not open the door. When I finally descended I was hugged and kissed and enveloped from every side. I noticed in the fever that Jerry hung to the back of the crowd and then slipped away before I could get to him.
I first posted about Jerry last year. That was when he was new in the family. http://grandmothersheartbeat.blogspot.com/2009/12/blind-side-sandra-bullock-haitijerry.html
As soon as I had hugged all the little ones I walked to the back bedroom where I had seen Jerry retreat to and knocked on the door. I stuck my head in and saw Jerry sitting shyly on the edge of his bed. We engaged in simple conversation a language barrier still quite evident. But in spite of him not greeting me outside I felt like he was really glad to see me. As I would do many times that week I called my 7 yr. old granddaughter Nia in to translate. After a few minutes Jerry leaned over to Nia and whispered something in her ear. I said "What did he say?" Nia replied he wants to know if you brought any presents? I loved it. That is what all grandchildren wonder about their grandparents when they have been away for a while. He wasn't being rude or greedy..he was just navigating this new relationship the best he could from past experience. I rubbed his head and told him "peta" (later).
Later in the week when I was cleaning up from my seaglass necklace class he asked if he could have a string that I was about to toss in the trash. Later when I finished a spool of wire I loaded it with some extra string and called him up. You would think I had given him a great gift.
Hugues (the house manager) says "There are three boys who are a big problem." I will admit that they do have their challenges but I see each of these challenges as stories of redemption. I see a little boy who was wounded and broken, scared and rejected now learning to trust and to expect that just maybe someone would want to give him a present. What I see now is a little boy. A little grandson. Who likes string.

The Treasusre

2011-02-01T22:54:00.003-05:00

Walking down the familiar strip of sand I search. Missing to colors of the winter sky on this cool and damp afternoon I keep my face turned down. Looking up might mean I miss it. The treasure. I look for it. I search for it. I long for it. I even ask for it. Not content to trust that one walk along this narrow spit will yield the sea glass nuggets I search for I walk to the end and turn back to cover the same stretch that I have just walked. I do this maybe three or four times until I am satisfied that all of the treasures that are hidden in plain view are revealed and collected.The treasures for this day. So often it is in the second, third or forth time covering the same shoreline that I find it. At times I don't find it.In those times I understand that I am learning how to search.I am training my eyes to see. I am learning to understand what I am looking for.I know it's there waiting. I know that it's just not ready for me yet. I know that as I come back to this same spot on another day I will spot it and wonder how I missed it all the other times I searched in this place.
I pick up my Bible and I read the same familiar passages that I have read before. I know that there is treasure hidden here in plain sight. I know that as I read it the first time I might not find it so I must come back time and time again. I must look for it. I must search for it. I must long for it. I must ask for it.I must not be content to think that one pass over will yield all that is to be found. And when I find the nugget I will hold it and enjoy it and keep it. Sometimes it will seem that I have not found a treasure. In those times I am learning how to look. I am training my eyes to see. I am learning how to learn and how to understand. As I come back tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow in that same place I will find new things. Things I wasn't ready for today.I will wonder how I missed such a wonderful treasure and I will search again knowing that there is so much more to be found.

So You Want to Go Back to Egypt

2011-01-17T19:25:00.003-05:00

You might think that this is a Martin Luther King blog being that today is the day we remember his birth. Maybe it is..but that's not where I started going with it.
In the book of Exodus we read of the story of Moses. Seeing that his people were burdened under the cruel yoke of slavery he obeyed God and set out to free his people. The trials he faced were grave and dangerous. But he did succeed and the victory over Pharaoh and slavery were won. That was a good thing.
After such a long reign of slavery the people wandered in the desert following Moses whom they seemed to expect could fulfill all their needs. As they wandered they began to grumble and complain.Things got hard and they started to reinvent God. Questioning Moses they stated that they wanted to go back to Egypt. At least in Egypt they knew what to expect. They would eat and work and sleep. They would not have to make decisions. They would know what the future would hold. The past, the present and the future were all the same. As years past they forgot about the cruel edicts of Pharaoh. Time will do that. As the younger members of the tribe grew they had no recollection of the cruelty that their fathers knew. They just wanted to find a place that wasn't so hard. A place where they could eat and sleep and not have to figure it all out.They became irate with Moses and were willing to give up the freedom. They were tired.
Haiti was a slave nation. The first to win it's independence.
Yesterday Baby Doc arrived back in Haiti. He was exiled for 25 years because of crimes against the people of his country. The people of Haiti are tired. They are hungry and they are sick. During the time of dictator Baby Doc the country of Haiti prospered. Education became more available. It was an easier time in some ways. But it was not a free country. If Baby Doc didn't like you well..you died. Not just you but you and your family.
It has been suggested that should Baby Doc return to home land that he would face prosecution for his crimes against his people.
With this in mind it is hard to imagine the scene of his return. The county has rallied. The old and especially the young are excited about his return and what his might possibly mean to this beaten broken nation.
I wonder myself... I can only hope that if that is the case that this man known as Baby Doc will have had this quarter century change his heart. If not I pray that Haiti will choose to push on to the Promise Land and not go back to Egypt.
Today we rember Martin Luther King. He spoke the words of Moses. Those words echo in my mind.

Fasting by Default

2011-01-03T21:22:00.002-05:00

My church (Liberty Christian Fellowship) recently announced that we as a body were being encouraged to start fasting and praying on Jan 1st. I know that there is a bibical mandate to fast. I know that it is worthwhile on many levels.( http://www.libertyobx.com/# ) I also knew that being in Haiti starting Jan 1st would give me little or no control over meal choices. Eating is very different here. When you rise in the morning you find that theree are already people preping your meals for the day. In the States if someone is up cooking before 6 AM it is because there is some feast being observed. Here, in Haiti, it is because someone is sifting the rice to remove stones or bugs or whatever other foreign objects may make their way into the rice bag.
I had been considering the Daniel Fast.This is close. Today for example we had rice for breakfast, rice and bean sause and a chicken wing for lunch and noodles for dinner. We had water to drink.Don't misunderstand I am not at all complaining. I am a big fan of both rice and pasta. The cooks do a wonderful job with seasoning. As an American I am used to more variety. So for me, three meals a day without any in-between snacks seems like a fast. What we eat in this home is far more than many of the population in this town/country. The children do not complain and most eat every bite. Often you will see the children sharing among themselves. The one who gets to scrape the bottom of the rice pot is always delighted much as an American child who might get to lick the batter when their mom bakes a cake. Nothing is wasted and the food that is left over goes to the security guards.
Somehow..it seems more right. Food for the stomach and not the stomach for food..or something like that. Food is more of a tool and less of an entertainment.
This is my 4th time to Haiti in less than 2 years. I have not quite wrapped my head around it yet. But it does strike me somewhat ironic that what I might consider a fast many would consider a feast..Just something to chew on for a while..

"Take this cup and drink of it."

2011-01-02T18:29:00.002-05:00

Today I had a new church experience. I took communion with Haitian believers. In many ways it was the same. The bread and the cup were passed. Prayers were said and scriptures were read. We took the bread and drank the wine. That is where the difference was. We drank wine. Not sweetened grape juice. Wine..a bitter wine that had a bit of a punch.
As I sat there a thought crossed my mind. To enter into communion with Jesus is not about something that 'tastes good or goes down easy'. To truly be in communion with Christ we must be willing to drink the cup that He drank. We must be willing to enter into His suffering. It is about a total denying of self and accepting of the trials that we face because we are His followers.
I wondered why we changed this in our American churches. Why do we need to sugar coat so much. Why do are we afraid to truly follow the example of Jesus? We have not known the suffering of the Haitian people. We have not known their sorrows and their trials. There is a sweetness in the biterness of this cup. The cross of our Christ is not pretty or sweet. It is bitter and hard to sw

Speak to me in Sea Glass - Understanding the Search

2010-12-26T18:32:00.006-05:00

As a young woman I recall my mother in law going on long walks in the early mornings.She collected treasures on these early morning beach walks. Beautiful colored glass that was then referred to as "beach glass". Nuggets of colored glass polished and worn smooth by the churning of the sea and the constant tumbling in the rocks.I asked her how she found it and she spoke of the color or the shine making it stand out. When I walked on the same beaches I would never find them so I gave up looking.
Only now, many years later do I understand what she was trying to teach me.Now when I go for my walks I know what I am looking for. I am drawn to it and excited with each new treasure I find.
So it is with faith. Sometimes in our lives we are blessed to be around someone who is more mature in their faith who reaches out to us and tries to show us how to find what they have found. Sometimes we are just not ready to really search for these nuggets of truth so we give up our search. Only later, sometimes much later, do we "get" what that person was trying to teach us. But when an "ah ha" moment happens we can go right back to that long forgotten truth and understand and grasp it and call it our own. We can recreate conversations that we thought were only passing time and realize that an important "nugget" of truth was being planted into our spirits lying dormant under the surface until the Father wills it to be born again in our hearts, take root, and grow into a belief.
At 55 years old I can remember my Aunt Bam telling me exciting, bewildering things about Jesus coming back that I did not understand. And now nearly 50 years later when I hear of the second coming of Christ I am once again in the backseat of her car hearing this amazing thing! Those seeds planted then, reaching maturity now, where the seeds can be passed to another generation of children. They too will hide things in their hearts and when the time is right it will spring fourth into a personal belief.
My mother in law did not live long enough to see me seek and find my own beach glass. Sometimes that is also how it works with faith. It is not our job to make someone find the treasure. It is our job to share what we know and to let God do with it what He chooses to do and when He chooses to do it.

"All generations shall call you blessed."

2010-12-24T23:25:00.002-05:00

As a child I attended a beautiful Catholic Church in Southampton NY. It really was (is) an amazing structure and the ornate detail of each and every carving, painting,stained glass window gave a child much to study and day dream about during the weekly services and countless Catholic school related programs I was required to attend. The statues and impressions of Mary the mother of Jesus were beautiful and saintly often exposing her bleeding heart for the world to see.
I admired her but I did not 'get her' until many years later. When I was carrying my youngest daughter Melody. She was due in November so I was 'great with child' when all the Christmas activities started to get underway. And then, holding this precious babe in my arms so fresh from the heart of God at Christmas time caused me to have this wonderful realization. Mary was a mom. She nursed her baby and cared for all of his physical needs. She sang to him like I sang to my Melody. She felt the warmth of his breath on her cheek. She did not have a halo. She was a young girl. A girl who believed and obeyed. Her heart portrayed outside her chest was not unlike my own mother heart. Evident and obvious for everyone to see and to know that I loved my baby. She loved her baby. Just like I loved mine.
I don't pray to Mary but I understand why my mother felt that so easy to do. I admire her. I called her blessed because that is what he word of God tells me she is.And tonight, the night that we remember the birth of THE baby I thank God for giving us such a beautiful picture of the mother of my Jesus. And I thank my Melody for teaching me the tenderness of Christmas.

The Christmas Letter.

2010-12-16T20:22:00.002-05:00

Some people hate them, some make fun of them. I spoke with a woman at the Post Office who had just mailed off her NINE page Christmas letter. I resisted the temptation for a long time. Too impersonal I thought. Corny. However each time a Christmas card arrived in the mail that contained a "Christmas Letter" I was really pleased. An added photo was a great bonus! In a world where distances prevent us from regular communication with friends and family and epically pre-facebook the Christmas letter was a great way to catch up with all the cousins and classmates and people you may not have seen or talked to for 20 years but still....it is nice to see their smiling face. If you have been sending me Christmas letters over the years, I still have them. Kept in a special (now over stuffed album) where from time to time I pull them out and see how you have grown and changed and aged...documented history of your life. The joys and sorrows the trips and weddings, the deaths and births..they are all there in your Christmas letter. I love Facebook and am amazed at how I have reconnected with so many from my past and delighted with the day in/day out interaction with my circle of friends and family. But you can't hold Facebook in your hands and read and remember.
Today I got a Christmas letter from a friend I met in 1980. We camped together at the Creation festival at Muddy Run in central PA. I was 24 yrs. old..Chris and I never lived near each other but for several years were always together at least that one week in June at the festival. Her daughter needing a place to get away for a time came to stay with my family..knitting our families in a tighter weave. Time and distance and Chris's family no longer coming to Creation did what one would expect. We drifted apart. But that time and distance did not change our love for each other and when we both found ourselves on Face Book we reconnected.
When the 'letter' arrived today I expected to see some crazy photo (like the one from her daughter's wedding where her whole family and the bridal party were dressed in roaring 20's garb...always an actress :) but instead of her smiling face I found myself looking at the latest photo of my daughter Gwenn and her husband Nick and all 11 kids they are raising in Haiti. I did a double take, turned over the envelope and then began to cry when I read the title "Thompson Advent conspiracy Letter" Instead of the normal things one might find in a typical 'Christmas Letter' this one was not about her family but about mine! She said
"When I asked the Lord what I could do in the world to make a difference this Advent/Christmas He inspired me to write this letter." She went on to share about the work my daughter is doing in Haiti and shared how to help with the challanges that they meet everyday in this broken country. I am crying as I write this. Honestly..the most selfless, beautiful greeting I could ever imagine! She spoke with graditude about her own family and the blessing they are for about two sentences. Then continued to tell the reader about child sponsorship and prayer support.
This letter will go in my Christmas letter album and it will stay very close in my heart.Feeling very thankful for "Christmas Letters."

AMI GRANT - HEIRLOOMS

2010-11-27T19:34:00.001-05:00

The older I get the truer it is. I love Christmas. The lights, the music, the colors but mostly I love the connections.I love that we can choose to focus on each other and on Jesus. Like most Americans I must check myself and learn to not give in to the frenzy. Like today.. I am thinking "Denise, do you realize how many grandchildren you have??? You can't shop like you did when there was only one or two...or three..or four..and so on." I am thankful that my children and grandchildren don't have great expectations in terms of gifts from me. I am glad they all 'keep Christmas' all during Advent and share with me the joys of the simple things. I am glad that my grandchildren do not love me for what they can get from me. I have a long blog stirring but for now Amy Grant says it best.

I can't slay the dragons

2010-11-04T21:58:00.006-04:00

Keep You Safe - JJ Heller
Quiet your heart
It's just a dream
Go back to sleep

I'll be right here
I'll stay awake
As long as you need me

To slay all the dragons
And keep out the monsters
I'm watching over you

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don't be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe

You'll have your own battles to fight
When you are older
You'll find yourself frozen inside
But always remember...

If you feel alone facing the giants
And you don't know what to do...

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don't be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you...
Safe

My love is a light
Driving away all of your fear
So don't be afraid
Remember I made a promise to keep you safe

I have mentioned in the past that I really love the songs of JJ Heller. Except this one. It has a beautiful calming melody and I want to love it.I want it to be real. But I have seen too much in the last few years... I know that parents can't keep their children safe. In our culture, the American culture where life revolves around our children we perhaps can take measures to keep our children safer. We can even say with some confidence that "I will be here to protect you."
But tonight in the tents of 1.3 millions people there are mothers and fathers how can't say that. They love their children like we love ours. They desire long and full lives for their children just like we do. But their words of "Don't be afraid." are coming from fearful lips. They can't promise to keep their children safe nor can they slay the giants of poverty, disease, earthquakes and hurricanes.
The last time I came home from Haiti I did not come home and look at all my things and think "I am so blessed." No I thought "I have sinned."I waste my resources on 'things' when I could be freeing a parent to care for his child but investing in his life.
So tonight I sit here in my dry big house on a rainy night thinking about the thousands who have tents and tarps for homes and not way to assure their children that they will be kept safe from the storm..I'm not writing this to you. I am writing this to me..Jesus help me to love your children.

The question of Halloween.

2010-10-30T19:52:00.002-04:00

Today my blog will not be popular.
Melody says I have scarred her for life.
But here goes...I HATE HALLOWEEN!
There I said it. I do not hate little kids dressed up. Heck my grandchildren play dress up nearly every time they visit.
What I hate is the open mockery of my faith.What I hate is tombstones and making death look like a funny game. Demons and witches are glorified.
Any one who has lost a child knows that death is not a joke.
Anyone who has been confronted with violence knows that blood is not funny even if it is fake. Anyone who understands that in some places human sacrifice is still very real and Halloween is a Holy Day for the enemy. He knows that he has a lot more power if people do not take him seriously.
Would it be right to celebrate the evil of the Holocaust? Why is it ever ok to celebrate evil? Murder? Demons? I don't get it. At all.
Yeah.. I don't even like Halloween alternatives that are often offered by churches.We don't need to sugar coat it any more than it already is. I just wish Christians would say "No." The other holidays (ie:Christmas) have pagan orgins as well but at least they don't openly delight in evil.I pray that Christians would read in Ephesians about the battles that are going on even now in the spirit world.
When the Lord first convicted me of this my youngest daughter Melody was so embarrassed when I took her out of public school on that day. I told her art teacher that scarecrows were fine. Witches were not. No doubt it was hard for Melody.I get that.But God said it and that pretty much setteled it.
I was raised believing in real ghosts and even lived in a haunted house. I know that it is not a joke. The Bible tells us to avoid even the "appearacne of evil".
When children knock on my door I will give them some candy. I'm nice to them. It's not their fault.
I know I am rambling and I would love your comments. But I'm pretty sure you won't change my mind. OH... And by the way Happy All Saints Day. That is on Nov. 1st.

The Little Prophet

2010-10-28T12:58:00.003-04:00

I was coming out of the grocery store with my cart overflowing with food and house hold supplies. I don't go to the store often but when I do it is an event. No one wants to get behind me in the check out and cashiers usually take a break when they are finished with me.
As I opened my truck a mother and her small (4-5 yr. old) son pulled their cart up to the car next to mine.The little boy wearing a blue Mount Olivet nursery school tee-shirt says to me "You better get your bags in the car quickly there is going to be a big storm. It smells like rain." I looked over to east over the ocean and while it was a bit gray I saw nothing to indicate a "big storm". He continued to say "Wait..let me see your hair. Yeah the wind is coming from over there." as he points North East. A little bemused I smiled as he continued. "I tell you what. You can follow us and we will make sure you get home safely." At this point I am loving this kid and wondering which one of my grandaughters he should marry. But he is not finished. "Yeah, we have lots of things at home to be ready in case we have a hurricane." We parted ways and I thanked him for his concern.
Five minutes down the road I noticed the rain strating to fall on my windshield. The sky opened up and by the time I reached Manteo the streets where beginning to flood. While driving down Airport Road the road was flooded and I could not see more than 15 feet ahead of my car. I kinda wished I had someone to follow to get me safly home! I unloaded the bags in a massive downpour and wished I had listned to the small voice that said "You better get your bags in the car quickly..."
God tells us in His word that things are going to happen. He tells us to prepare. He tells us to follow Him and he will guide us safely home. He tells us that He has made provision for me and He will take care of me.I choose to believe Him or not. I choose to follow Him or not. His word is true if I believe it or not..
Thanking God for this little man, his kindness and for the lesson this little man was teaching me.

What's in your closet?

2010-10-26T05:18:00.002-04:00

Yesterday when a co-worker said "It must be so hard for you having your grandchildren in Haiti with cholera going around." I told her that I had confidence in Gwenn and Nick's ability to care for the children in their home. She responded "And God will take care of them because they are doing His work." I shared with her that sometimes he does not protect missionaries from these things but it is still the right thing to do. I really had peace that as bad as this cholera is that at this time I am not frightened for my family.
When I got off work and read Gwenn's email saying that their upcoming furlough had to be postponed I was disappointed but called her to say that if if were me I would make the same decision. And I meant it. Things have been very stressful lately. People are believing lies and the stress of constantly having put out fires is exhausting work. Holding your tongue when you want to speak, when you want to not turn the other cheek is hard work. So I totally get it and understood why this decision had to be made.
Because I understand and have completely bought into the mission of Joy in Hope in Jacmel I really can take these fears and disappointment with a level of maturity that even sometimes shocks me. I will not whine and complain when I do not get my way. There are too many other things to consider. So I am good with this...
Until...
I was cleaning up and went to put something in the closet. THE CLOSET. The closet that is home to hidden gifts and the Christmas clothing. I bought everything on super doper clearance last year after Christmas. I have 9 American grandchildren so that is a lot of clothing. For months I have considered how I would set up the Christmas Card picture. I finally decided and bought some matching shirts for the boys. Everything was in place except the children....
That is when it hit me..there would be no Christmas photo this year. Al least not one with 9 grandchildren in polka dots and checks.And I cried. I am amazed by my reaction.
Part of me thinks what a trivial thing to be concerned about! And it is. But deeper is what those photos represent. They represent family.They represent a family who has come through a very difficult year who has made it! They represent unity and strength that lays the foundation for future generations.
I still think that Gwenn and Nick are making good decisions. I am not in any way wanting to lay some guilt out there for them to carry along with the other burdens that they must carry at the moment. I am really just searching myself.I imagine that the closet door was just a trigger for the emotions that I need to keep inside for self and family preservation. I am so grateful for the other American grandchildren who will still be here. I am blessed beyond measure. And I mean that with everything in me. God is faithful. I am blessed..I am blessed..I am blessed..no mater what is in my closet. Picture or no picture.

What if?? An Advent Challange

2010-10-22T20:43:00.014-04:00

When Gwenn spoke at my church a few weeks ago she told us of a Haitian proverb that translates :"God gives but He does not separate."
She also wrote about that today in her blog today at mangine.org . It is a powerful word.
Last night I started to think about the Advent Conspiracy (adventconspiracy.org) and both of these thoughts have been rattling around in my head all day. You may know that Joy in Hope has been doing diaper distribution in the tent cities since shortly after the earth quake. This week they added another camp. While cloth diapers are preferred in these tent camps it it impossible to wash diapers due to the lack water and proper sanitation. With this week's outbreak of Cholera in Haiti this is now an even more urgent need. Face Book friends have been awesome about helping with the diaper collection but this is a hugh ongoing need. Here is what I am challenging:
Go to Youtube and watch:

Let that message rip you up inside. That is what needs to happen. But don't stop there. Make a decision that you can make a difference.
When I was traveling in Haiti in July I started to become overwhelmed by what I saw in Port au Prince. I felt like "There is nothing I can do!!" But God showed me you can't do everything but you can do something. I needed to put my efforts into the something that I could do.
There are many ways to participate in the Advent Conspiracy. One way would be to look at a picture of one baby. Show that picture to your husband, your children, your classmates,your coworkers, Sunday School class and determine that you can help that one baby. You can decide that instead of that overpriced video game or diamond necklace you will make sure that that baby has diapers for one day, one week, one month or even one year. You can help lessen the spread of disease in a tent city with a package of diapers! It is so simple!
You can pray for that baby. You can pray for it's family.
On facebook I have shared a wonderful, easy way to handle the delivery of diapers. You can go to alice.com at:
http://www.alice.com/referral/100572CB
Amazing but true SHIPPING IS FREE! so if you buy a $10.00 package of diapers it cost you $10.00 AND if you spent $50.00 you get a $10.00 credit AND I get 3% back for an entire year on all your purchases allowing me to buy more diapers. Each time family or friends or teams travel to Haiti we load them down with diapers. Each week Gwenn goes to the camps gives out the diapers and checks on the babies.It's very personal and very real.
Some of you may want to send support thought joyinhope.org to Project Connection to help pay for the extra baggage costs that we sometimes have to pay..
The beauty is...this is the conspiracy...it's about giving from the heart. It's about rejecting the Christmas that is and embracing the Christmas as it can be. I promise you if you Worship More, Spend Less and Give More you will have the best Christmas of your life! It makes me feel just like a kid again! Bring on the Christmas music I'm ready!!!
Here is a link to Gwenn explaining the work in the tent city. There are now three camps where they are serving:

How My Husband Almost Killed Me and Other Nautical (mis)Adventures

2010-10-19T20:54:00.005-04:00

My husband bought me beautiful blue kayak. His is yellow. Yellow being an easier color to spot on the water I am already at a disadvantage.
We loaded up the kayaks, or I should say Steve loaded up the kayaks in the back of the pick up and we headed over the Manns Harbor Bridge. Steve had suggested maybe a quiet paddle on the Manteo Waterfront but I knew the chance of getting out and searching for sea glass was nil downtown so I suggested going to the sound. Steve was the one who picked the west side of the bridge and that is why this (mis)adventure is solely credited to his decision thus making him fully responsible for nearly drowning me.
When we unloaded...ok..he unloaded the kayaks I searched the sand for my treasured seaglass. In fact I was so intent on my search that I nearly stepped on a bloated rotting carcass of a deer who was partically buried in the sand. But that is a different blog...
Steve helped me in to my blue (not yellow) kayak and I paddled out. He told me to go under the dock so I would not get snared by a fishing line. Good idea if you are good a steering a blue kayak. Bump...I paddled around to try again..made it!
We paddled out for a little while with a fare wind of about 5 knots from the NE. (I know that cause Steve told me not because I know anything about knots.) We were headed out for the point. The sun was getting lower and the moon was starting to rise. Our plan was to get to the point, turn back, take a nice seaglass search walk on the beach and then head back. As the moon began to rise it called to the north wind and we quickly went from a calm sea to waves and white caps pounding over the hull of the kayaks and drenching us from head to toe. I knew only enough about kayaking to not take the waves over the side of my boat but to ride them as much as possible. That was a problem. As I paddled harder and the waves got bigger and I remembered my co-worker Patty (who is pretty much the queen of kayaking in my book) telling me that it is important to use your core body strength to move the kayak. I am pretty sure every muscle in my body was present and accounted for and no doubt will remind me of that in the morning. Finally we were closing back in on the dock. A big wave broke over the cockpit..I wondered if I might not die right then and there. The dock loomed just ahead..when the water was calm I had bumped the piling how could I possibly get through the opening now with the kayak being driven by the surf??? I lined up the shot the best I could and let the current do the rest. Made it!! Finally the kayak rushed up on the sand!! I was alive! Steve who knows about knots and nautical things said that the wind was now about 10-15 knots. I think that's a lot. We were both drenched and cold and glad to not have been swallowed by the sea. Of course I reminded myself that should the very worst have happened that most likely I could have gotten out of the blue kayak and walked to the shore.

Hanging out with my Dad

2010-10-16T19:39:00.005-04:00

Melody Goodale Strayer is ridiculously excited that her Daddy is coming to visit. Ridiculously.

This was my daughter Melody's status on Face Book a few days ago. I love that she loves to spend time with Steve. All of my daughter's are like that. It's not that they do anything big or exciting. They just are. He listens to them and encourages them and well just hangs out with them.
I didn't have that with my Dad. He left when I was four and I saw him once or twice a year after that. Those times it was always an event and not just hanging out time. I didn't really know him and he didn't really know me. When he became ill I went to visit him in Texas. I loved that we sat on his bed and he told me stories and showed me pictures and we .. well.. we just hung out. How thankful I am to have had those few days.
Today I worked until about 2PM then came home and had some lunch. Because Steve is "hanging out" with Melody in PA I had some time to just be alone. I hopped in the car and drove down to the sound to look for beach glass. The day was cool and breezy and sunny. A perfect Autumn day. As I felt the wind in my face I started to be aware that just as Melody was having some time to "hang out" with her Daddy so I too was having some Daddy time with my Father God. I drove to the next beach and then finally to the ocean beach. I talked with my Daddy God about lots of things. We spoke of hidden treasures and surprises that He had for me. We spoke of grace and mercy and repentance. We talked about friends and people who have gone so far down wrong roads that I think maybe they can't come back. He reminded me that His kindness can bring them back.We talked about broken families and broken dreams. We walked and talked and we just hung out. Like Melody I would have to say that I was "ridiculously excited" to have this time with my Daddy God. As the shadows started to become longer I went back to the sound and watched the sun disappear below the horizon. Deeply satisfied to have had such a wonderful visit I look forward to our next time to just hand out.

The Magical One

2010-10-11T06:29:00.002-04:00

Some birthdays are more memorable than others.
The earliest one I remember was when I turned four. I remember being allowed to sit in my father's seat at he head of the table when I got my cake.
When I turned 10 my mom took me and 9 of my friends bowling. When we got to the car all of my gifts were stolen..The next day a parcel arrived at my mother's work with a gift from someone who heard my story on the radio. Until I was married I received a gift from this secret friend each birthday.
When I was 14 I had plans to go out with my friends but Kathy (my sister in law) convinced me that it was best to do the family cake thing. I caved in, had cake and then babysat as the rest of the family went out to a movie! (love you Kathy, you are not so mean now :)
When I turned 40 I had just moved to the Outer Banks. Melody and I were in a small apartment at Morrison Grove. Steve was still up north. When I came home Melody ( who was in 7th grade) had decorated the apartment and made a cake and dinner and invited our neighbor Kevin Carter (a 17 yrs. old surfer boy) to join us. Kevin said to me something like "You're so phatt." but I heard "You're so fat."
There are other memorable moments ...Aunt Bam always having a cake and little gifts from each person who was there so you always had lots of things to open was a favorite memory.
But this year is my magical year. Now I use that word because that is the word my kids have coined as they tease me about my special day. But it really was special. I was born October 10, 1955. I turned 55 on 10-10-10. Everything about it is 10.
In the Bible the number 10 is a number of wholeness and completion. Five is the number of grace. I see both of these as revel ant to who I am today. I feel like I am at the time of my life when I have a deep, abiding satisfaction with my life. I feel like I am growing unencumbered by what people think of me and regardless of my circumstances. This satisfaction does not mean that I don't still have pain, sorrow or discouragement. This satisfaction has more to do with the understanding that God has placed me here for a purpose and I now get that I can't change the whole world but I can touch and bring comfort to the small part of the world that God has revealed to me. The satisfaction also comes from really understanding that my satisfaction has nothing to do with my 'stuff'. I like my 'stuff' but I don't need it and sometimes I don't even want it.
My satisfaction comes from knowing I have something to offer. And from knowing that I don't have to be a people pleaser. And from victory over fear. That is a big one. Do I ever feel fear? Sometimes.But I realize that it is a choice I make and does not have to be an automatic response.
The satisfaction also comes from having a husband who loves and respects me. This I know is huge and not every marriage has this.I respect him and love him. There is great satisfaction in a marriage that has continued nearly four decades and is not only intact but is strong and alive.
The satisfaction seeing how my children have grown up and what their lives have become is a reward that I can not even describe. Grand children's laughter and sloppy kisses are the gift wrapping on this gift of satisfaction that I have been given.
It's ok if my children tease me about this 'magical' birthday. I know it's not magic. But I see it as a truly special moment in time when God speaks to me and says "Denise, Happy Birthday. Here is a special day for you to always remember." I love it when he speaks my name.

Parent of a Missionary podcast

2010-09-17T18:01:00.002-04:00

click on title to link to podcast

The Life of a Garden..The Life of a Believer

2010-08-27T20:52:00.007-04:00

The garden in Autumn was not much more than an imagination. The ground was made fallow and the compost was added and dried bulbs were put in shallow graves and covered with dirt. Only in the mind of the gardener was there anything of beauty. What was seen by others was a rotting, decaying compost. The death that would bring life lay quiet and cold for the long winter.
The garden in March was that of the stirring in the earth.Delighting with the first warmth from the early Spring sun the first bold daffodils raised their heads to sing. Their new life exciting and vibrant and calling to it's friends who are still burried in death. The daffodil heralds the message that there is more..more..there is life in death. The zeal of the daffodil calls the others to dance her dance. To take their rightful place in the garden dance.To rise up from their tombs and dance.That was the heart of the Gardener for them.
The garden in April sings with color of laughter.Bobbing and bowing to the rhythm of the April showers.
With May comes the more delicate of hues and the garden fills in to a fuller mature landscape. Each blossom unique in it's own right but complementing and encouraging it's friends to sing now in a more perfect harmony holding each other up straight and strong.
In June when the temperatures climb some colors fade..a bit..but the beauty is still sweet.Some of the dancers fade away..
In July..the weeds sneak in first on one side..then the other..encroaching here and there until they think that this is this place was created for them. The flowers helpless to defend themselves without the Hand of the Gardener.
August the sun and the heat and weeds try to choke out the beauty and that which was a delight is now a blight. Dried vines and mildewed stems. The flowers surrender to the hand of the Gardener. The pruning painful but necessary.Unable to care for itself she accepts that which was bringing death needs to be removed.
In Sept when the heat subsides the blossoms rally for a last sweet dance. Not the same one as they danced in Spring. Not loud and bold. No, not loud, but clear. Ready for the offer the seeds of her life for her love for the future generation that they may dance...
And the Gardener fallows the ground.

Lessons From My Garden

2010-08-26T23:38:00.001-04:00

just kidding...it's too late to start a blog..but it's simmering and i have to write it..and not forget all the things that God is teaching me..

Baggage

2010-08-23T21:27:00.002-04:00

I am not really sure where this post is going but it has been haunting me for days now. So maybe it's time to work it out in words.
This weekend I met some new friends. Justin and his wife Christine arrived on Friday with their three beautiful daughters for the weekend. Justin was here to help me work through some business ideas and real life decisions as I approach retirement age. I invited the family for a beach/work weekend that worked very well. I have the beach Justin has the brains and the guts as well. I am creative and I like people but I don't like all the nitty gritty business number crunching type of thing. But.. I digress.
I was outside with the children and Christine. The kids were riding in our big circular driveway on an array of riding toys and bikes that I keep here for my grandchildren.Three bikes, a hot wheel trike, a scooter, a John Deer tractor with a trailer (a really cool old one) and a peddle fire truck that I got one year for my grandson Micah. Chris my son in law tricked it out with cool lettering and Micah's name. I have lots of cool stuff. Actually if the truth be told I have way too much stuff.
The mosquito's started to reveal themselves in tiny welts on my ankles so I made the call. It was time to go in. Christine stopped at her car to get her luggage. I asked if I might help her carry and she said "No thanks. I only have one bag."
I was dumbfounded. One man, one woman, three little girls, two days and one bag. One small bag. Like a carry on that would fit in the over head compartment on a plane. I have never seen anything like it! When my family or friends have arrived in the past it takes several trips to the car and my house is swallowed by more stuff. Now I am not saying that is bad. I expect that. I am not a heavy packer but I do like to cart some 'stuff' with me when I am on the road.
This small suitcase got me thinking about all the other 'stuff' in my life..If I were to get rid of half of my clothing would I even miss it? How about half of my pots and pans or towels or sheets or even half of the canned goods in my pantry?? I like my stuff but maybe I would like what was left more if I got rid of the other half of it...
In Haiti, Gwenn's living room has a simple sofa, 2 simple chairs, a simple coffee table, a shelf for the TV and few nick knacks that her staff gave her. That's it. And she has ten kids...I saw one toy box but never saw the toys come out of it. How did I (we) get this way??
I think Christine is on to something....

Give Me Your Eyes.

2010-08-08T23:06:00.008-04:00

Today Jamie, our youth pastor preached at our church. He is a very good teacher, always well prepared and always using the word of God as the foundation for his preaching. He preached today about Jesus always finding the "one" to minister to. Once the woman at the well, once the woman with the flow of blood, once the man who was possessed by "Legion" the many demons. Jesus put himself in uncomfortable and unlikely places to meet these people. Jamie spoke of the importance for us to be available fot that "one". That we like Jesus would minister to that "one" even if it is not convenient. He touched on how the disciples would question the places where Jesus went and joked about their reluctance to follow. It was well spoken and all true but for me...When he showed the part of video the Man Named Called Jesus where Jesus touches the man with leprosy it pained me. I could see in my mind the children of Pichena (sp?) the tent city in Jacmel, Haiti. The children with scabies and TB and who knows what else. When he talked about touching the "one" I could see the eyes of the old men and women who lay on their cots with no provision and no hope. When the video clip rolled with the song Give Me Your Eyes by Brian Heath I saw in my head the prequake video that Leann Pye had made about Haiti.
The problem is that God has given me His eyes for these people and honestly I can say it is not always a good thing. No.It is always good. Not always easy. When God gives us his eyes then He also gives us a responsibility to respond to what we have seen. Had we not seen we would not sin when we pass them by and do nothing or worse, do a little something and pretend we have done enough. Having the eyes of Jesus and the heart of Jesus is so very painful..
So I caution..don't pray Open the Eyes of My Heart or give me your heart unless you are ready for the price..it is painful. But there is unspeakable joy when you can touch and not be afraid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvpWr2RtiWQ
Look down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight

Touch down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me you heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what’s underneath

There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, He's buying time

Pre Chorus / Chorus

I’ve been here a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
I need a second glance
Give me a second chance
To see the way you’ve seen the people all along

Chorus

Look down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight

Touch down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos

All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me you heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what’s underneath

There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work, He's buying time

Pre Chorus / Chorus

I’ve been here a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
I need a second glance
Give me a second chance
To see the way you’ve seen the people all along

Chorus

Ouch!

2010-08-04T08:26:00.001-04:00

What I share is what God is convicting me of. A personal journey of discovering what is the real truth and what is our American culture church truth.
I have heard and I have said "God has blessed me with so much." I look at my home, my car, my things and I am thankful. I have since I became a Christ follower in 1977 really had, I thought, a good understanding of the scripture that "all good things come from God." Why poverty still existed I guess I could chalk up to "The poor you will always have with you." What a nice tidy yet unfounded way to deal with this messy problem.
Last night as I looked around in the grocery store and then again at my home I had a revelation. How many shirts, shoes, dresses, pants, jackets do I have that I don't even wear? Every closet, drawer, shelf and cabinet in my home is full of "stuff". Much of it unnecessary to conduct my life in a comfortable way. This time when I looked at my "stuff" I saw it as sin and not as a blessing. For all these years I have lived with a sense of entitlement as an American and as a Christian. I am thankful that God has provided for me and my family. Very thankful. But what part of "give us today our daily bread" includes all this stuff? The blessing that are from the hand of God are those that sustain our lives. Food (not the excess of food), water, shelter. The rest is what I have stored for myself calling it from God so I may avoid my responsibility to the poor.
I am so deeply involved with my stuff that honestly I don't know how to stop this cycle. I hope that to see it for what it is will be the first step..
The Parable of the Rich Fool

13Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.”

14Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” 15Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”

16And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. 17He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’

18“Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. 19And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”’

20“But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’

21“This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God.”

Do Not Worry

22Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

27“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

32“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. 33Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Loosing it in the lettuce isle

2010-08-03T23:51:00.003-04:00

I admit that I am a little unbalanced. A little OCD when it comes to Haiti. I like to call it passionate but really...well I'm a bit over the top. Why do I say this your might ask? Well tonight at Food Lion while walking down the produce isle I spotted it. A small cart at the end of the isle laden with fruit. No just any fruit but the fruits that are common to Haiti. I lovingly stroked the mango and with a tear in my eye I recalled Gwenn's boys gathering mangoes in their tree at the land whir Gwenn argued with this Haitin man about weather or not it was the right time for mangos.
Next, I noticed the plantains and thought about how good they tasted fried. There was coconuts and I closed my eyes and remembered Jean Louis at the top of the tree throwing Hugh coconuts to the ground.
The mangos that were free for taking on the land were close to $3.00/ea at Food Lion. I didn't buy any.If they had canaps well i would have skipped thinking about the price and they would have been in my cart (read mouth)
A few ilses later I had a conpulsion to buy Rama noodles. I havn't bought those in maybe 20 years.But we ate them in Haiti and I want to show the Manteo grandchilren how the Haiti grandchildren eat.
Over all, shopping was very emotional for me. I know..it's just not normal!

Just saying...

2010-08-01T16:29:00.005-04:00

Jesus told us to care for the widows and the orphans. I am thinking that we Americans who follow the American dream are so stuck on entitlement issues that we believe that it's ok for us to have all this stuff when babies on our door step have no diapers. I include myself in this picture. I have far more than I need. I overeat. I overspend. What will Jesus say to me when He returns?( sooner than later I believe..) Will He find me about His Father's business or will He find me sleeping?? I know that this is born from my latest trip to Haiti and in time I will calm down. But should I?? Really should I?? What should the correct response be?? Not "Bless me Lord"> like in the Keith Green song.
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Who I Am

2010-07-28T22:33:00.004-04:00

Last night as we traveled the long road home from the airport in Raleigh. Israel and I had lots of time to discuss our thoughts about traveling to Haiti. When he asked me "What was the best part for you?" First thought was "Being with the children and meeting all the new children." So many things were my "favorite" things. But as I let the thougts mull for a few minutes I had a realization. I think I like who I am in Haiti. I like the freedom I have to choose not to be afarid which allows me to enjoy and experiecne more. In the US I would not dream of riding on a 4 wheeler in heavy traffic. With or without a helmet. In the US I am limited by what I think is safe and normal.I don't like to take chances and don't like to take risks. I always opt for safe and controled. In Haiti...well in Haiti there are no seat belts in the back of the tap-tap. You have to assert yourself and say "No". You touch germs and don't wash your hands right away.You hug children who may or may not have scabbies. In Haiti a mouse running across the floor is...well... it's a mouse running across the floor.
I am braver in Haiti. I am more confident. I am able to trust God more because I have to! I can't keep myself or others safe by American standards there. So...I relax and enjoy the ride. On the 4 wheeler, in heavy traffic, with no helmet.

You Should Have Bought a Squrirrell/ Final Part #3

2010-07-28T11:28:00.002-04:00

As I sit here in the comfort of my air conditioned home after taking a hot shower and sleeping until 10 AM the excitement/anxiety of our squirrel chase seems almost mote. In it's moment it was huge but so much has happened in this past week that it is just part of the hardship of living in Haiti. But to be fair to my readers I will wrap up this post so I can move on to process so many other things that have impacted my heart this week...
Gwenn and Nick dialogued about what to do. The police man was now out of sight and our truck was at a stand still as the water rushed over the street. I saw in the light of day on our return trip to the airport that this area is bad even when it is good. There are ditches and potholes and most of the road here is not paved.
The gridlock is normal because of the aggressive driving in Haiti. If there is an open spot someone moves into it regardless if it is road or not. Regardless if is your lane or the lane of oncoming traffic. As I look back on this drive to Jacmel I see that God was preparing me for my next post...
I don't remember if I wrote earlier about Gwenn as a child. She was "the worrier" in the family. We would get in the car and she would ask "Are you sure we have enough gas?" as if to run out of gas was the worst thing that might happen to you. She was also my cry baby. Now I must say she is the toughest woman I know and that is saying a lot because Gretchen, my oldest daughter is a pretty tough woman. (Melody not so tough but she is after all my baby, she is strong, but not tough).
Nick and Gwenn were discussing if they should call their friend in the Jacmel Police Dept and decided to wait a bit. As we moved and stopped slowly through the rushing water in the driving rain we sometimes got small glimpses of the yellow rain slicker that the police officer was wearing. We edged our way through a narrow gap in the road past a large bus in the oncoming traffic perched it's outside wheels on the top of a hill leaving me holding my breath as we passed it for fear that it would drop on it's side on top of our truck as we passed. Cars in front of us stalled in the standing water and Gwenn and Nick and Jen discussed the work that Jen would be doing in Jacmel for the next 6 months working in a rehab tent working with people who had lost limbs in the quake.There conversation was easy and not at all stressed giving me the confidence to know that while to me this was a bad situation we were in at the moment it was not to them a fearful time. It was a Haiti normal thing.
Finally, as the traffic started to ease from the bottle neck we saw the police officer. He walked up to the car, handed Gwenn her license and told her to stop being a trouble maker. (In Creole..don't remember the exact translation.) We had a really good laugh about this!
As we continued our seemingly endless journey to Jacmel, Gwenn commented "Nick, did I miss my turn?" As we continued the road grew more narrow and the banana trees closer to the road. Gwenn stopped and turned the truck in the mud and went back from the way we had just come. We made our turn by the Texaco station and continued over the mountains hair pin turns and areas of landslide littered rubble until finally we reached Jacmel. It was a long,long, long,long,long road home.

You Should Have Bought a Squrill/Part II

2010-07-22T22:08:00.001-04:00

As we navagaited our way through the crowd who had assembled with their luggage outside the door we saw Nick looking like a caged animal on the other side of the fence. Well really..I guess we were the ones in the cage.He indicated to us that there was a long walk down to the parking lot. Israel and I turn to the right with him pushing the cart with about 180 pounds of luggage. We get no more than 10 feet when a Haitian man nealy pulls the cart from Israel's hands and insists on pushing it for him even though I am infatic that it is not necessary. I finally give in rememering Gwenn saying "If you get someone to help with your bags do not give them more than $1.00/bag. We get half way down the path and the man says "$10.00" I say "No, I will give you five." He says "No! $5.00 from you and $5.00 from him." I say "No." but Israel pulls $2.00 from his pocket and the man settles for $7.00.
Finally at the end of the walk that Gwenn calls the "walk of shame" past the many people who are calling out "God Bless you mame' I am hungry. Give to me money."
Our flight being delayed for an hour was not really a problem because Gwenn and Nick had to wait for someone else's flight a few hours later. We went on a diet coke search and finally returned for Jen. She did not have the good fourtune of sittingo next to a woman with a tiny teenly infant whom she could help out so it took her more than an hour to arrive at the end of the walk of shame. By this time is was raining HARD and it was getting dark.We traveled though Port Au Prince with bags piled on our laps and Gwenn at the wheel.
In about an hours time the rain was washing over the road and the traffic starting to back up.In Haiti traffic is well...a bit outside of my comfort zone. With puddles and pot holes threating to swallow us alive Gwenn manuvered the pick up past motos and cars and through small rivers that had appeared from no where. At one point in this a man in a yellow rain slicker knocked on Gwenn's window and demanded to see her driver's licencse. She questioned his authority and he lifted the jacket to reveal his badge and she produced the license..after we dug down through all the bags that were piled on our laps. The police officer took her license and walked away in the pouring rain. Nick realizing this jumps out of the crew cab and sprits down to road to confront the officer and comes back empty handed.

To be contuined....falling asleep again...

"You should have bought a squrill"

2010-07-21T22:05:00.003-04:00

You know sometimes when people exagerate in their story telling in order to make a story more entertaining? Well this story isn't like that kind of story. In fact, I may even water it down a bit just so you will believe me!
Our trip to the airport in Raleigh was cake. Esay 15 minute drive from Nick's partents house. ( I won't tell the story about the night before when we got almost hopelessly lost when returning from our trip out to find the long term parking lot.Tom Tom apparently only works if you program the right address into it.)
Our two hour flight to Maimi was easy. We were engaged in deep conversations with a woman who told us how to treat ourselves if we should happen upon and infestion of botflys. She only discovered the remedy after the lavra was removed from under her skin.(Yet another use for duct tape!!) On the same flight was one of Isreal's high school teachers who was headed to Balieze for a jaugar show. It took me quite some time to realize that she was going to see animals and not cars.
Once on the ground in Miami we were glad we had packed sweat shirts after rememhering Nick say that Miami was the coldest airport in the world. If we did not have our above mentioned selection of outer garments we may have been tempeted to ask American Airlines for a blanket.If we had we may have ended up in a really ugly, loud arguement with an airlines employee over the $8.00 fee that would be charged to our credit card. However we would not have had a baby to carry around by the wrist as we argued (loudly) with the said airline employee as did this young mother who was being chared for the blanket. It made the time pass so it was all good. Except that we had more time to pass due to a one hour delay so the plane could get a new air filter.
We were seated next to a woman with a 20 day old baby. The Haitian woman left shortly after the quake and was happily headed home to see her husband, six year old daughter and her extended family.When we arrived at PAP everyting was different than last year. We had waited to leave the plane until everyone else was off in order to help our new friend carry her baby gear into the airport. NOW..you may think this was a cleverly designed scheme to find favor with Haitians and get us to the front of the line. I assure you that that was not my plan. However, that was the result! I felt a bit embarrassed to be brought to the head of the line but not so embarrassed that I didn't do it. At customs I walked through in front of Isreal who was pushing our bags behind me. The customes man asked me something and I said "excuse me" To which he rudly replied "Al'e, Al'e!" Indicatating he had no paitence for my lack of language skills and that I needed to just move on. Great! Only Israel had the bags and when he said to Isreal " What is in the bags?" "Excuse me" Isreal replied. I tured back and said to man "He's with me." and again his reply was "Al'i, Al'i! ( Get out, move on, hit the road Jack) so we did....
My head is nodding as I write this..look for chapter 2 soon when I may or may not get to the "You should have bought a squrill part." Which of course is a quote from a movie. There really is no squrill in this story just in case you are a squrill lover and were hoping for a cute little bushy tale essay on why I don't even like sqruills.
to be continured... btw.. no spell check in haiti

A room.. by any other name.

2010-06-16T20:40:00.003-04:00

When we first set foot in our home in 1996 the feeling was instant. We were home. Fifteen minutes later we were signing papers. The house had the "home" feel and just about everything we could want. It did however lack one thing. We wanted one more room so that all of our children had a place to call their own. When we bought our first home up north we had the same problem so we brought in the expert. Digger. My older brother really is amazing in designing and creating spaces. Unlike other contractors Digger did not work 9-5. He just moved in and worked on the job until it was finished. Bathrooms, kitchens, additions..he does it all. So when we desired a new room we knew just who to call.
When Digger arrived I told him I thought a dormer off the back of the house would be the best way to get the desired extra space. He said "Well you could do that but you have an extra room right here." He was looking at my vaulted living room ceiling. He explained how it was just wasted space and he could drop in a floor a lot easier than pushing up the roof and for a lot less money. With that I was sold and the extra room was born.
The room first was Gretchen's. It was not long before she was married and then..I think maybe it was a TV room. After that it was "The children's room" where we stashed the toys and the grandchildren. Then I think it was a guest room. Then Jenny a then 19 yr. old moved in and stayed for ...a few years I think. When she got married I took possession of the room as my "office" but added a daybed for overflow guests.
Recently I have found a new passion for making seaglass jewerly and art. Today I had a new revelation about this room. This "extra room" is my studio. What I realized was the difference between an "office" and a "studio". An office you do work and want to get out of. In a studio you create and can't wait to go back to it. You are allowed in my studio but only if I invite you. I make no apology for the wire or papers or beads or whatever laying around because it is my space and if I want to clean it I will and if I don't want to I wont.
I know everyone is not in the position like me to have an 'extra room' but I hope that everyone can find their little space that is can call to them from their busy life and can absorb them and give them a passion to create.
I am so thankful for my big brother and the extra room he created. I am thankful for all the purposes it has been used for and I am so thankful for this my studio.

Ghost of a Dog

2010-05-21T19:19:00.004-04:00

Disclaimer: What you about to read has no foundation in biblical truth. It is just a way to work through a hard day. I am writing for me.

When I stepped out of the tunnel that pulled me dancing toward the light it was not as I expected it to be.I knew I would not see Saint Peter. There was nothing in the Bible that suggested that, just an opener for the jokes I often had heard on earth. I had thought that I would first see Jesus and I would place my crown at His feet, He would put His hand under my downcast chin and bring my face up to meet His gaze and then He would say "Well done my good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest." At least that is what I hoped He would say. I also thought that my mother and grandmother and all those who had gone on before me would be there for my homecoming. But that is not how it was.
What really surprised me was not what I saw but what I heard. It was faint at first and coming from a distance. But as the sound grew closer I knew what it was and who was about to greet me. I opened my eyes and there she was! No longer gaunt and weary but strong and joyous like I remembered her in her earlier days. Not so long ago. She yelped that special bark that said "I am so happy that you are home! I have been waiting all day to see you!" Her tail that had been permanently bent in the closing of the car door was once again straight as it now thumped loudly as her whole being joined in her welcome song. Just as she had done on earth. No matter how bad an earth day had been when I came in the door she was there to make me feel loved and important. Never one time did she raise a snarled lip or offer a low growl. She was always kind hearted...even on earth. She thought the grandchildren were her puppies and protected them. One time putting herself between a one year old toddler and the earthly fish pond to prevent her from falling in. Other times lying directly beside whatever sleeping baby was in the house knowing it was her job to protect and defend. My husband taking her on her evening walks would marvel at the way the old dog would grab his sleve and gently tug on it to say "I'm ready! Let's go!" I would marvel how she could hear his truck from a long way off and come and find me where ever I was in the house and like the famous Lassie dog of yesteryear she would "yip!yip!" and turn and run to the front door.She would continue her request to be let out so that she could greet her master. In the weeks before she left she faded a lot.We knew it was getting closer to her time. My husband made an appointment to have her checked out. I was in the garden with her and she paused to drink from the fish pond. I once again marvelled how the gold fish came right up to her and thought "I need to get a picture of this." An hour later my husband came home. I called down the stairs "What did he say?" He replied "She's gone." "Gone?Where?" I replied. He looked up to me on the stairs where I was waiting and not understanding what he had just said. "Gone!She's gone???!!! What do you mean???" and I sat right there on the steps and cried like child.
She ran in a large circle needing to release some of her pent up excitement then paused by a pond to lap it's cool water as the goldfish rose to her mouth and puckered up as she licked their heads. It was only right that she would be the first to greet me. She was always the first to greet me. Memories of the hard day I had and the long journey I just taken faded as she tugged on my sleeve and pulled me on."Yip, Yip" she barked. It was her special bark. The one that says "Hurry! It's time to go see the Master!" It's good to be home.

What is real? ( A blog that somehow never posted last year)

2010-05-17T21:24:00.006-04:00

I am finding that some things are just more 'real' than other things. It is in those real places that I find a deep peace and satisfaction. It is real to pull up raishes in the garden, rinse it off an take a bite. It is real to hold my newest grandchild in my arms and pray over her and then pass her to the next person in the family circle as we all bless her and speak her name and join with her father as he prays for her life. It is real to put out oranges and nuts in the bird feeder and watch them disappear over night. It is real to have goldfish nibble on your fingers in the garden pond.It is even real to watch the egrat circle my home knowing that one of my goldfish may soon be lunch for the hungry bird. It is real to turn over the compost pile and see life squiggle and squirm and retreat from the sunlight.
It is real to feel the smooth seaglass in my hands as I twist the wire and create something that people desire from something that others discarded. It is real to have dirt under my finger nails as afternoon becomes twilight. It is real to go to Target and purchase 900 diapers with money collected in one night and it is real to push into duffle bags. It is real knowing that next week I will see on Face Book these same diapers in the hands of many who have been displaced by the very real earthquake.
I have finally leared, for real, that so much of what we consider important is just not real. In America the complaint "We have nothing to eat." is not real.. Or when we say "I have nothing to wear." or "I have nothing to do."
I don't believe God ever intended for us to be so far removed from reality. Movies and magazines. Over eatting. The pursuit of endless entertainment. In loosing touch with what is real we have lost our ability to understand the world around us.

Just Do It

2010-04-29T16:18:00.005-04:00

If you have been reading my blog for any time now you may have noticed that Haiti and her people have been a common topic for me. I know that it is because there is a supernatural calling on my life to "do something". So I am. Where I can, when I can and what I can. This in not to say that other areas of my life are not important but in this season I feel led to speak out often. This is the thing that I know to do.
The other day I was talking to my daughter Gwenn in Haiti about the canister drive that my friend Dennis and I are doing in our area. She said Mom you know what your doing is "guerrilla aid" I knew at once what she was talking about and it felt good. We don't have committees or officers, we don't have bylaws or rules. We know what needs to get done and we do it. As much as I would like to be on the ground in Haiti I know that my work for Haiti is far more important right here, right now. James 4:17 says: "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins."
It is interesting that "Guerrilla Aid" is a humanitarian aid program. Really the concept puts us the Body of Christ to shame. It seems like the (American) church makes doing good things hard. We beat things to death with our committee meetings and our care to do everything the way it has always been done that we sometimes fail to do the good we know to do. We are always looking for approval and support and we sometimes fail to seize the moment to do what is right.
I am beginning to see how we live in this bubble that keeps us clean. And safe. Who ever said that we would be safe? Being a follower of Jesus is not safe. If it is maybe we need to reconsider how we are living. It is not always safe, or comfortable or pretty.In fact, the opposite is often true.
How is it that I can see the work of Jesus in Barton Brooks, a man who does not publicly claim to be a Christ follower? Why is it that I identify so closely with the work of a secular humanitarian? It is because the word of God is somehow written on his heart. He is doing the things that Jesus has commanded us to do. He is caring for the widows and the orphans in their distress. He sees a need and he goes to meet it. This is what the church should look like. We need to get dirty.
I don't want to step on toes unless of course they need it. The Bible tells us about what the last days will be like. Earthquakes, war, famine, signs in the heavens. (Matt 24:6 You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8All these are the beginning of birth pains.) The point of this scripture is not to alarm us but to comfort us and to tell us to be ready. God wants to find us doing the things that He told us to do. And what did He tell us? To care for the widows and the orphans. I think each of us is being called to 'do something'. James 2:14 summed up says "faith without works is dead". Simply to believe is not enough. The evil one, the father of lies, Satan himself is a believer. But he is not a follower of Jesus.
For those of you who remember the 1970s their was a slogan that said "Just do it!" I think it was a Nike ad. Well, I believe today that we could all borrow that slogan. Do the good you know to do. Don't know what you should be doing? The bible tells us to ask for wisdom. That does not mean we have to go off in some room for 40 days with a gathering of counselors to help you decide what 'good' to do. Just a simple "Jesus show me." He will. Then "Just do it."

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
James 1:26-27 (in Context) James 1 (Whole Chapter)
Romans 2:12 All who sin apart from the law will also perish apart from the law, and all who sin under the law will be judged by the law. 13For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous. 14(Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law, 15since they show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts now accusing, now even defending them.) 16This will take place on the day when God will judge men's secrets through Jesus Christ, as my gospel declares.
James 2:18 (New International Version)

Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.
James 2:14-18 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? 15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? 17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

Seaglass Christmas

2010-04-26T20:41:00.004-04:00

Last week I took a seaglass workshop which was taught by Fran Peel in Manteo the the Dare County Arts Counsel offered. I was excited to get off work on time and didn't miss any of it. My thoughts about working with this art were how much blessing could pour back into Haiti.
The glass was all picked up by my grandchildren (which included the orphaned and abandoned children in my daughter and son in law's home) along a dirty strip of beach in Jacmel, Haiti. I thought that if I could learn this craft then I could go back to Haiti and teach it there allowing for a way for income to be generated in this area. What I didn't know that day was the passion that would be born in me to learn and create and learn and create some more. I have spent countless hours at night sitting at my craft table picking out matching earrings and wrapping wire around glass.
Tonight I decided to try something new. Fran had showed us briefly how to create seaglass nativities. I tried it tonight and was really blessed to see the results. Fran said that the glass selected determines the value of the piece. Well, I really don't know much about what is more valuable. Or really exactly what valuable means.Because really, value is determined but what someone is willing to pay.The value to me is that God can and will take our garbage and make something worthwhile and maybe even pretty from it. But I know that this piece tugs on my heart and I will hate to see it go...but really, it's just a thing. A thing that blessed me to create, will bless someone to buy and give, and will bless the people in a little coastal town in the poorest nation in our hemisphere.

I bring an offering of worship to my King

2010-04-22T13:38:00.004-04:00

Sometimes it seems that what I have to offer is so small and pitiful. God doesn't need the dirty and imperfect things that I have in my hand. But He does not see my offerings the same way. He sees the heart with which I come to Him and He sees what is on the other side of that offering. So it is with this sea glass. The street child in Jacmel Haiti who extends his dirty hand with an offering just because it pleased him to do so does not see what this grandmother in another country, another world really, desires to do with his offering. He does not know that his offering will come back as a blessing to his community. He does not know that many will be blessed through him. He just knows that he offers what is in his hand. Child, you have taught me so much in this.

Offering
Paul Baloche

the sun cannot compare to the glory of Your love
there is no shadow in Your presence
no mortal man would dare to stand before Your throne
before the holy One of heaven

its only by Your blood and
its only by Your mercy
Lord i come

i bring an offering of worship to my King
no one on earth deserves the praises that i sing
Jesus may You receive the honour that You're due
Lord i bring an offering to You

Seaglass

2010-04-21T22:05:00.001-04:00

I look at thse pictures that gwenn took on the beach in Jacmel, Haiti and I am drawn back. I understand what it means to have a "call" on your life.I think that is why it is ok for me to see my daughter and son in law and grandchildren living in a place that most would never desire to visit. I know the about this call because I can only believe that at some level I am also called there. No, I don't foresee me and Steve selling everything and moving there.I do see me having some deep forvever connection to Jacmel and her people. I look at these photos and I see my grandchildren extending their hands filled with gifts for me! I have not met all of the children but they are "mine" as surly as the children that Gwenn gave birth to. It is a different kind of grandparenting but it is still so very real. I long to bring all of my American grandchildren with me to meet their Haiti cousins.
Since my first trip to Haiti one year ago not a day goes by that I do not miss it. No doubt people are weary of hearing about it from me. I don't really know where this is going or what it all means but I know I am homesick for this little island in the blue water.
I love my home and my life here. I am crazy nuts about all my grandbabies here and love every minute I have with them. But part of my heart will always be longing...for my ohter home this side of heaven.

Don't Get Me Started

2010-04-11T21:40:00.002-04:00

I think considering the events of the last few months that I have held up pretty well. Very well really. I mean I am functioning and not like throwing up or crying a lot and all that. When the earthquake rocked Haiti on Jan. 12th my little world here in NC also shook. To the core. And for that matter it is still pretty fluid. I wanted to be there with my daughter and her family but God would have me serve here by caring for the children when they were evacuated.
Two months to the day after the quake we were rejoicing as a family as baby Johanna was born. Nothing like a baby to remind us of how sweet life is.
Eight days later my earth was shaken again as my daughter Gretchen, (Johanna's mom) was medivacted to Norfolk where she spent nine days in ICU and was on a vent which did the breathing for her.
I have rarely cried in all this. But something happens to me when I worship. It's like my defenses are all gone and my guard goes down and I weep. Today I was interpreting (sign language) the worship time at church. My back was to the platform but as the first song began I heard her. My Gretchen who less than 2 weeks ago was on a vent was singing! Just last night I was thinking of the song "Heart of Worship" by Matt Redman. Part of song says:

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I was thinking about Gretchen's beautiful voice and wondering how it would affect her if she now found it hard to sing. I was thinking about her heart of worship and praying that she would know her value in Christ even is she could not sing like before. But she could and she did. Hearing her stirred such a spirit of thanksgiving that the tears of joy welled up. Deep, deep thanksgiving pulsed though my whole being .
At the same time I am remembering that one year ago this morning I was in a small church in Jacmel, Haiti. I signed the song "Arise My Love" (by Newsong) for the deaf as Gretchen sang it. It was Easter Sunday. I met so many people that morning and was warmly welcomed by not only the deaf community but by others and I found myself longing everyday to go back. This morning I read on facebook that it had rained hard in Jacmel overnight. I thought about the people in the camp and how difficult it must be for them to worship right now. I grieve for them.
The guest preacher was raised as a child of missionaries to Mexico. His dad died I think of malaria when he was still young. How good it was to pray with this man. He asked me something like "What is the ceiling of the emotions you are feeling? What do you really want to see happen?" Wow. So much. I want the suffering to stop. I want my family to be safe. I want the mayor and his men to have radical salvation. I want to be in Haiti. That was a hard question. But I am glad to be asked. I was glad to have someone 'get it' and glad my girlfriend Candy stood with me as we agreed together to see God's hand move.
I realize that I have been avoiding worship and even times of honest prayer since January. I am not yet ready to really open up that gate. I'm doing well. Really, I am. I am just beginning to understand that God wants me to hang out with Him a little more. But I have to set aside some time for this cause it might not be too pretty.

Interview with my daughter Gwenn

2010-04-10T16:36:00.001-04:00

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/give-life-hope

Back Home- (JJ Heller) Thinking of Gwenn and Nick as they return home

2010-04-10T06:58:00.002-04:00

Spring's First Blush

2010-04-08T20:49:00.004-04:00

Last Autumn I decided I wanted to plant a flower garden. I have not always been very good with this type of thing. I like instant results. Gardens take time and work and more time.
Steve put up a fence for my garden and I hung a bird feeder from the small live oak that grows in the inside my fence just to the side of the fish pond. I planted bulbs in the fall and those promises I planted are now dancing on my flower beds. Years after I am gone those flowers will be there to welcome whomever is here to see them.
So it is with our lives. What we sow into the lives of those around us will bear witness to future generations as to what kind of seed we sown. How many times do we hear children repeat some unkind or angry words that they learned from us? What children learn from us they will also teach to their children and on down the line. The Bible tells us the that the sins of the father are passed on to the third and fourth generation. I believe this is referring to this very type of thing. But it is also true that our kind words and good behaviours can be passed on to future generations.How wonderful to hear my grandchildren encourage one another.

The fence in my garden keeps my plants safe from loose dogs, loose kids :) and it gives me a defined space to work in and makes me know that I am in my garden. So it is with boundaries in the lives of our children. Children need places of safety. Places where the influences of the outside world can't touch them and places where they know what is expected of them.
Just as my plants need attention, water and sun and pruning and compost, children need to be nurtured. They need attention and provision, they need sunlight and correction. We need to prune away all that would keep them from growing emotionally, physically or spiritually strong. And like my garden, children should be enjoyed. Watch them dance. The seasons are short, don't miss a single blossom.

My daughter shares..

2010-04-07T22:19:00.000-04:00

http://www.mangine.org/2010/04/hometown-welcome.html

Processing it all.

2010-03-30T22:19:00.001-04:00

Every year I write a Christmas letter. Maybe I should consider penning one for Easter. So much has happened since I put up the ornaments and took down the tree. It has not been a great 3 months in many ways. But still, I see God's hand upon my family in an amazing way. And I am thankful. My body is reacting to the stress and I am glad to take a few days to process things. I have learned/am learning about priorites. The things that I have are just things. I don't need them. Getting my hair cut the other day my beautician asked what I wanted to do. "Just cut it. Any way you want as long as I can pull it back." These things just don't matter.
One year ago Easter I was in Haiti for my first time. I loved it. My daughters Gretchen and Gwenn were with me. I saw such incredible poverty but loved Jacmel and it's people. Those people are suffering. Gwenn and her family and the other missionaries and the children of the orphanage have lost so much. That's important. Not my haircut.
We could have lost my daughter Gretchen this past week. Watching her hooked up to a breathing machine and knowing I could loose her. That's important. As we cared for her newborn and her other 3 children I thought of how much I depended on her. I found myself with questions during the week and thought "I'll call Gretchen, she will know..Oh.I can't."
I always knew but now know more that family is so very imortant. And family isn't always what what the word describs in the dictionary. So many have risen to the occasion first after the earthquake and again with Gretchen's illness.
So while my body and my mind ache and sleep calls to me even though I napped long today, I am thankful. Hoping that there will be no more major events for my 2010 Christmas card and praying for sustained health for Gretchen and for the 'stuff' it will take to recreate Haiti.

Needing to sleep off this hangover...

2010-03-29T22:16:00.001-04:00

Nine days ago my life went into a tailspin. Being called to action I went into stress mode, meaning "no time to cry, too much to do" and that is how it has gone for these nine long days. Oh, I did cry , a tear here a sob there but..mostly I had to hold it. I feel now like I am waking up after a long drunk..not that I would know what that feels like but I can imagine. I am so tired. And so thankful.
When Jon called to say he was taking Gretchen to the hospital I was very concerned. When I heard they would medivac her to Norfolk..well, I was scared. Gretchen is one tough girl. Don't often get to see her cry. Watching her pant for breath and realizing that this was really serious was compounded by a doctor who said (in front of her) "Well, it could be we give her diuretics and she will be fine in a few days, or worst case we are looking at a heart transplant. This before she left The Outer Banks hospital and before the first test was run. Remind me later about the letter the hospital will be receiving about this doctor.
Watching the helicopter take off and strapping my 8 day old baby in the car seat for the trip to Norfolk with Jon are all surreal memories at this time. I had run back home to retrieve the one bag of stored breast milk and wondered what we would do to fed baby Johanna after that ran out.
I can't remember arriving at Norfolk Sentura..yes I do..kinda..
I stayed with the baby in the waiting room and hauled her in the car seat with a big diaper bag and my purse around looking for a baby changing station. Then looking for a way to heat up her bottle. (She had never had one before..) Jon stayed with Gretchen and it was determined it was not her heart. (ok..no transplant ..good..) Not a blood clot..good. But she continued to get worse. I lugged the baby and all the baby gack up to the 6th floor where I was told we could get a room. I could get a room, the baby could not. So I continued to lug the baby and gack around and tried to get some formula for her. Sorry, no free samples without a doctor's orders. Somewhere in here my pastor shows up. And Jim. Cause no matter what, Jim always shows up. For every serious, scary, sad or happy event Jim is there. Pastor somehow gets us set up in the ICU waiting room which is much better than the ER waiting room.And there we wait. Jon manages to get formula where I could not and they give him diapers as well.Steve picks up the baby and me and we head back home leaving my daughter in the hands of her husband, the doctors and Harold-my angel whom I have asked to stay with her. I am aware that this is a part of a very real spiritual attack that my family has been under. I know who fights our battle for us but none the less I am frightened.
Now like when you drink to much alchol the details get fuzzy and even now I wonder what have I done for the last nine days? Did I really watch my daughter cling to life then see a machine breath for her when she could not? Did I spend the last nine nights with the middle of the night feedings and rocking a tiny baby who didn't think it best to sleep? Did I soften the truth for my grandchildren so that they would be less afraid? Did I stay up late talking with my other daughter about her life in Haiti during and after the earthquake. Did I watch my youngest daughter step in so completely and loving to nurture her sister's baby?
Now, as I sit in my chair, in my home, in the quiet of this night it is so hard to believe that as quickly this trial arrived and now it is leaving. Gretchen now home with her baby and children. Weak but still strong willed and with an even stronger faith. My room is still spinning and I think I will need to put one foot on the floor to make it stop. And during this emotional binge I have had so many people willing to drive when I could not. Praying when I was too weak for too busy. Encouraging. Loving my daugther and my family. Pulling us through to the other side. So now..now I will sleep it off. Hoping never again to go back to this last nine days but to move forward better for what I have known. The hangover is real. But I am encouraged that it will be short lived.

Gretchen's Dreams

2010-03-25T23:37:00.004-04:00

She was just over two years old. I was a brand new Christian. This is how God used two year old Gretchen to change my life. This is how 32 years later He used her dreams to touch the hearts of her own children.
Gretchen was a talker. I think from birth. I remember when they placed her in my arms she did not cry but opened her eyes wide to look, really look into mine. Much the same way her 12 day old Johanna does with me now. I remember thinking "This is a very smart baby." I was right. No joke. One of the smartest I know. But I digress.
When Gretchen was just over two years old she started to have these nightmares. She normally slept thought the night in her toddler bed in her room some 20 ft. down the hall from where her daddy and I slept. One night I heard a blood curdling scream coming from her room. Not a whimper or a cry but an honest to goodness scream. I rushed to her bedside and tried to calm her down. As she did she unraveled her nightmare to me. She was in the large box elder tree in our backyard in a cube (?). There was a large black dog that was trying to jump up and get her. He was a bad dog with big teeth. I finally was able to get her back to sleep.
The following night was a repeat of the first. Same dog. Same dream. Then another repeat on night 3. On night four I tucked Gretchen into bed and mustering up my new found faith in Jesus I prayed "Jesus please don't let Gretchen have a 'cube dream' tonight." The night was peaceful. No nightmares. I thought "This Jesus thing works!"
It was about 3 AM on night 5 and I felt a tiny hand touch my shoulder. My pretty little blond toddler (what?? you thought that red hair was real??) leaned over and whispered to me "Mommy, I had a cube dream." My initial reaction was "oh no." It did not occur to me that there had been no scream this time until Gretchen said "No mommy, it's OK. Tonight Jesus was in the 'cube' with me. He took me down from the tree and let me pet the dog." My view of Jesus grew radically that night and I would have to say that it became a foundation of my faith. I learned that sometimes Jesus can remove the thing that is haunting you and sometimes he will allow you to confront your nightmare with Him at your side. "True love casts out fear." (btw..did you know that Jesus looks like Mr. Rogers? how cool is that??)
When Gretchen fell critically ill last Sat. it became my charge and my honor to oversee the care of her newborn baby Johanna and Katie 8, Micah 6 and Abbie 5.
Abbie has been the quickest to express grief over her parents absence. Crying several times during the day "I miss my mommy." Katie has taken over the mother's helper role often holding baby Johanna and feeding her a bottle. Micah has been stony with his emotions.
Tonight as I tucked Gretchen's children into bed I spend extra time with them just to connect.Abbie was once again began to cry "I miss my mommy!" But this time she added "I'm scared something bad is going to happen to her." At this point I looked over to see Micah's shoulders rising and falling as he wept silently under his blankets. I called him over and held him close. And then I remembered his mother's 'cube' dream some 32 years ago. I was able to share this story with them.Not denying their fear, but acknowledge that we have fears but we also have someone who will come into the 'cube' with us and help us first to face the fear and finally to conquer it.
I know the children will continue to miss Gretchen and even to be afraid at times. But I thank God for my 2 year old's nightmares that could speak trust and comfort to her own loved children.

"When my world is shaken, Heaven stands."

2010-03-21T23:24:00.002-04:00

The lyrics that follow are from my new favorite songwriter/musician JJ Heller. First with my family experience their literal world shaken and now as my daughter lies in a bed in an ICU ward away from her newborn baby and her other three children we;; the world is shaking.
I know without a doubt there is an enemy of our soul who seeks to shake us to the point where we can not stand. The cool thing is that when we are weak, Heaven still stands. I will not for one minute give in to the lies of discouragement and seeds of doubt that he tries to plant.The fact is that really crappy things sometimes happen. There is another beautiful song by this same artist that i have problem with. (even though i like it very much.) This other song is a lullaby that says "I will keep you safe." I love the iead but the problem I have is that God has not promised to keep s safe. He promised to be with us.Jesus was not safe.Paul was not safe.Peter was not safe. So when I see my daughter's world in Haiti literally shaken I can request that God would keep my family safe but I can't have complete confidence that that will be the case.And when my other daughter lies in a hospital bed I can request that she will be safe. While I know for certain that God hears my prayer. If I claim to be a true Christ follower I must accept from His had that which He chooses for my good and for his purpose. Will I always understand His way? Never.But I know he is faithful and I know that Heaven stands.So as these challenges arise with a daily hunger I can say "Heaven stands."
Your Hands
BY KATIE HERZIG, JJ AND DAVID HELLER

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

Love is Always

2010-03-18T22:49:00.002-04:00

She must have been in kindergarden or first grade when we first met. I remember how strange in a good way it was that when I decided to babysit in my home that God brought all of these children into my home who were 'children of divorce'. Having know what that was like myself I felt like this was more of a ministry than a job and I grew very attached to my little charges. Amanda was one of the really special ones. She became my middle daughter's best friend. They did everything together and when they grew weary they would cuddle up, pop a thumb in their mouth, twiddle their hair and rest. Not even one bit of remorse or embarrassment to be their age and still holding on to this childish habit.
Amanda and Gwenn were FUNNY! Really Funny. Over the top and full of life,loud and well..just funny. Amanda would see the UPS man and say "Hide! It's the brown haired cottage kid!" To this day whenever I see a "brown haired cottage kid" I think of Amanda. For years Gwenn and Amanda were inseparable. Then the unthinkable happened! Amanda stayed back in school and Gwenn went on to another grade. I stopped babysitting for Amanda and as space will often do the girls drifted apart. We moved from NJ to NC and had no contact for many years.Then one day I received a note from Amanda. She had found me in a phone book. She wrote to tell me how special the times were at my house. And to tell me she had cancer.
Today Amanda died. I poured through all of my photo albums and laughed and cried.I watched the video I have of her singing (a little off key) a song in our Christmas play. I looked at a Christmas card that I received and the words she signed with jumped off the photo. It said "Love is Always" Amanda. These words had gone unnoticed the year I received the card. These words, the very words I always use in closing my letters and cards.Words that I got from my mother in law when she signed a letter. Not "Love As Always" as so many people sign but "Love IS Always". It was like a message that I needed to hear. I loved Amanda as a child. I love her as an adult. It does not matter that time and space has separated us for many years because "Love is Always". Always goes beyond the death of this beautiful 32 yr. old mother. It goes beyond today and past tomorrow. Love is Always. It is . Always.

I'm Back!

2010-03-15T22:14:00.001-04:00

I downloaded a free counter gadget a few months ago on my blogspot. It never worked but I didn't bother to remove it so it removed me. My blog was high jacked and just tonight I finally figured out how to remove the corupted counter. I hope this problem did not travel to any of my readers!

Haiti is not a Hell hole

2010-03-02T21:12:00.004-05:00

Yesterday when I was working at the Post Office a customer come up and inquired about my grandchildren who had been here from Haiti. I told the woman that they had gone back last week. She didn't' think that was such a good idea but I told her "They live in Haiti, they need to be with their parents." To which she replied "Your daughter needs to get out of that hell hole of a country!" I was deeply insulted. I really wanted to get angry but knew that would not resolve anything and I would have wasted that anger on something not even the least bit important. I need to use my anger at the poverty an distruction in Haiti to motivate me to do the works that my God is giving me to bring whatever light I can bring into the darkness of the destruction of Jacmel.
So I set about doing the little that I can do and I thank God that he has called me into a relationship with the beautiful and friendly country of Haiti. Maybe someday that woman will know the truth.I doubt it. I thank God I do.

a new video about gwenn and nick in haiti

2010-02-23T00:32:00.000-05:00

http://abclocal.go.com/wtvd/video?id=7291141

Staking Your claim.

2010-02-15T20:34:00.003-05:00

This video was filmed almost a year ago at the house dedication that was suppose to have been The Mangine Home with Haitian Children's Home. We had a team there and worked hard all week to clean and paint and redo the kitchen. The deal fell through. As much as there was much disappointment that followed not moving into this house the Lord was faithful and led down a different path. Rather than become bitter or angry another house was found and the Home was established. This has never been about a house. A home was dedicated and the family is intact. I watch this and weep. God is faithful. Always faithful. The children in this video are the wonderful family of Danny and Leann. I don't talk about them as much only because I don't have as much contact with them but I am so honored to know them. I am inspired by the obediece of all of the staff of Joy in Hope in Haiti.

pa bliye Ayiti.

2010-02-10T23:21:00.003-05:00

When I was 15 yrs. old I had a friend who was in a serious motor cycle accident. His back was broken with 3 crushed vertebrae and he was paralyzed from the chest down. The news of the accident spread through the high school like a wild fire. Suddenly everyone was his friend and were horrified at what had happened to him. I also was very moved by his plight. That January afternoon I walked from school to the local hospital to find out how he was. So many teens had gathered there. I sat with two of his brothers for a time and left not being able to see him that day. For days the buzz continued and each day I walked to the hospital.Things soon changed. In that first week and maybe into the second week there were so many visitors that sometimes I could not get in to see him. The days past and the visitors dwindled. Each school day for the next five months I went to visit my friend. I wanted to see him because he was my friend and I wanted to go see him because it seemed that so many had forgotten him. I got to be there the day that he first moved his big toe.Then he moved his foot.I got to be there the day he sat up.When he stood up. I got to share in the hope of his recovery. I got to see some of his first steps.It was a long road from that tragic day in Jan. until the day of victory when he walked out of the hospital in June. Even then he walked with a walker and there was another year until he was truly recovered. I got to share so much with my friend. He invited me to go on a motorcycle ride with him. That was Sept of 1972. We married in Jan. of 74.
We have been married for 36 years.
Haiti had a tragic day in Jan. So many rushed around her filled with shock, compassion, support. They were suddenly her friend. But as the days and now weeks have past people have returned to their own lives for the most part. Headlines have faded and many have lost the passion that they first felt in the days following the earth quake. Haiti needs friends who will be committed for the long haul. Friends who will realize that she is going to be suffering for a long time and she needs their love, support and encouragement for a long time. She needs people who will enter into a relationship with her and be there to see the progress she makes and rejoice with her. She needs people to see her wiggle her toe, move her foot, sit up, stand up, walk and finally run. She needs commitment. She needs to be remembered. pa bliye Ayiti. (Don't forget Haiti.)

oprah.com coverage

2010-02-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

http://www.oprah.com/world/Filling-in-the-Gaps-on-the-Ground-in-Haiti-Barton-Brooks

Groanings - l

2010-02-08T14:42:00.000-05:00

http://soggymama.blogspot.com/

Unsung Hero

2010-02-04T20:45:00.003-05:00

No doubt my daughter Gwenn has been in the family limelight lately. What she is doing in Haiti has been truly remarkable. To say that we are all proud of what God is doing through her would be an understatement. But tonight I am thinking of my oldest daughter Gretchen.
Gretchen was 20 months old when Gwenn erupted into her perfect world. No longer was she the center of out family universe. Now she had to share the glory with a baby who had "tiny little fingers" as Gretchen said. And she did it graciously. Gretchen welcomed her baby sister and they became friends. Gretchen was Mary and Gwenn was Laura of the Little House on the Prairie books. Over the years they have done various noteworthy things and have supported each other in everything.
So now when Gwenn is in the midst of the hardest thing any of us has ever encountered Gretchen is here in the US supporting her little sister. When Gwenn's children were evacuated from Haiti I don't even remember asking Gretchen if she would help with the kids. I knew she would. So each day as I go to work Gretchen has her three children and Gwenn's three children. And Gretchen is nearly 8 months pregnant. And she is homeschooling the children. She is a super mom/aunt/daughter/sister to be sure.I have not heard her complain or whine.
What Gretchen is doing is allowing Gwenn to do what she is doing.
Another day I will talk about my other daughter Merry Melody cause she is pretty cool too...but that is another story.
Today I say thank you Gretchen your love and support for your little sister have not gone unnoticed.

2010-02-04T15:55:00.000-05:00

there are no words to describe how I feel when i watch this.

From Manteo with love. Haiti relief.

2010-02-02T21:18:00.003-05:00

The first time I ever visited Manteo I loved it. It was unlike so many 'beach' towns that sometimes seem to just be a mile of strip malls and miniature golf courses. It had character and a very homey feeling to it even then. Since then even with all the new growth it has maintained charm and character and really it is even more beautiful than before.The greatest charm of this sweet little town and this sweet little island is her people. Truly island people who come together in community on all occasions. Good times and hard times the community responds.
When the earthquake struck Haiti three weeks ago tonight the phone calls started. Friends and family from all over calling me to see how my daughter and her family were, wondering if I heard from them and asking how they could help. My Manteo friends and neighbors were right there with prayers and encouragements and checks. I was sharing with a man who is a friend that I met at the Post Office that I wanted to make up canisters to take to the local businesses to raise funds for relief in Haiti. He said "You have enough on your plate, let me do that." So Dennis designed these great canisters and this Sunday Nia (my granddaughter who is visiting from Haiti) went to a few places to drop off canisters. We prayed over them first and I prayed for favor and that God would open people's hearts to give. Nia prayed that she would not be shy and that she could ask the business people to help her family and her town. She was so sweet. "Hello, my name is Nia Mangine. I live in Haiti. I was there for the earthquake. I want to help my family and my town. Could we leave a canister in your store to collect money?" I gave her an idea what to say but she put it together flawlessly. So, before we bought lunch at the local Subway Nia spoke to the woman behind the counter. The canister was accepted gladly and the clerk dropped in money from her own pocket right away. Not 48 hrs. later I got a message on my phone "Can you please bring down another canister?? This was is full!" The money has not been counted yet (thank you Jesus for coin counting machines in banks!) but the can was so full the coins were sticking out the top! When I poured it out on the table I could not believe that so much had fit in the canister.I thought that maybe someone had emptied their coin jar from home but the manager said it was all from customers. God is already answering the prayers that Nia and I prayed. What joy it was to let her hold the can and see how heavy it was.
It is such a blessing to live in a little coastal village who cares about another little coastal village and steps up to offer help.
I love Manteo, NC. I love Jacmel, Haiti.

The widow's mite for Haiti

2010-01-26T21:57:00.002-05:00

My relationship with Aunt Gloria did not start like most aunt/niece relationships. There was never any "I remember when you were four years old and..." or "You like just like..." That fact that I ever met Aunt Gloria is nothing short of a miracle. This precious woman was the child of my grandfather's mistress. Born just one day before my father's 6th birthday. The siblings never met. My aunt had a hard life that could have caused her to become bitter. She certainly was entitled to hold a hard grudge against anyone who bore my grandfather's name, a luxury that she never had. I was raised about 100 miles away from where my aunt grew up.
Fourteen years ago I moved to NC. Some 500 miles away from my home town. Working int he post office I often see letters and parcels being mailed to Long Island and will talk to the customer about whatever town it is that they are mailing to. One day about 6 yrs. ago an older woman came to the counter with a package to Freeport. I said "My aunt used to live there." To which the woman replied "I lived there too, but I was raised in Baldwin, one town over." "Wow!", I replied my parents were both raised there too. I told her my mother's name but that didn't ring a bell. Then I told her my father's name was Tozzi. She got excited and said "Joe Tozzi?" I said yes that was my father. She said "Joe Tozzi is my brother!" I nearly fell out! Here we were several hundred miles from the where we had grown up and we found each other at the post office in the town where we were both presently living! At first I worried if finding me was hard for her. She had been very hurt. But the next day she showed up at the Post Office with a jar of strawberry jelly. As I looked at her this day all I could see was her Tozzi eyes. She said to me "I always cook when when I'm nervous."
Our relationship has been very comfortable and strong.She is family just as sure as if I had met her the day I was born. When she was still living in NC she would call me at work and say "I cooked dinner for you and Steve. Pick it up after work." She would make us rice pudding her special way cause she knew how much Steve liked it. Now that she has moved to RI we are still close. We talk often and she sends me very random packages. Things that she thinks I might like and for no special reason except that giving is her love language. Living on a very limited income in an assisted living arrangement I know that even the postage for these gifts is hard for her.
When she found out about the earthquake she went into action. She went to the Home Association and asked for a donation. Then she went from person to person collecting one dollar here and two dollars there. She called me today to tell me that she has collected $450.00 to send to Joy in Hope the organization that my daughter and son in law work with in Haiti. In March she is having a bake sale to raise more funds.
This widow gives out of her need not out of her excess. God has given her favor and multiplied that which she offered. She is full out dedicated to me, my family, and to my God. I thank my God for her selfless example and her bountiful love.

Nia's guardian angel in Haiti

2010-01-25T21:43:00.002-05:00

Matthew 18:10: Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

First let me say that I do not believe for even a small second that those who died in Haiti were somehow less spiritual or not as good as my family. Why God choose to allow some to live while others died is not for me to understand. What I do know is that God saved my family and I am humbled and elated about that fact. What I want to share is just a simple story about my six year old grandchild Nia who survived the quake in Haiti.

After my grandchildren were evacuated from Jacmel, Haiti they first went to stay with Nick's parents in Raleigh and are now with me and my husband in Manteo.We are making an effort to see to it that life is as calm and 'normal' as possible. Gretchen, my oldest daughter will keep the children when I am at work and resume their home schooling while their parents continue to work endless hours a day serving the Jacmel community.
At night we read a book, read a bible story, say our prayers, sing a song and then I just hang out with them a little in the darkened room to see if they have anything to share. Something about this routine seems to open up their little hearts to share what is going on inside of them. I don't ask questions I just wait..
Tonight when we spoke of the day I inquired "Wasn't it nice to Skype with Daddy today?" Nico said "No." "No?" I asked. "No." He said. "I want to see daddy in the room." He really is doing so very well but that window opened and let me have a peek into his heart.
So it was last night. Nia brought up the earth quake and was sharing what happened. I said to her "What were you doing when it happened?" She said "I was working on my project. My angel project. You see you take these angels and you print out faces from the computer and you make one for all the people in your family."
All the people in her family?? The bible tells us that "their" (a child's ) angel beholds the face of God. As Nia was crafting her little family angels that day their was in fact angels all around her family. Their powerful arms holding the walls and the ceilings. Angels protecting each member of the team, their families, the staff, their family. All that the glory might go to God. They were saved so that they could save. "guide and protect me through the night and keep me safe til morning light."
A child who I imagine will never see cut out angels quite the same. Thank you Father for sending your angels.

Going to Church AND building an awesome Tinkertoy

2010-01-25T16:00:00.007-05:00

Guest blogger: Nia Mangine, my 6 year old grandaughter visiting from Haiti. She has her own blog but we don't know the pass word :)

One day I went to church. I saw Kelsey and Pastor Jonathan. You'll see Kelsey helping me and you'll see Pastor Jonathan hugging me.That was at Crosspointe. There was a lot of people there.The other picture,is you'll see me and Nico and Josiah standing on Nanny's porch about to go to church. In both places we went to children's church. I am in Kid's Point South. Those who are looking at my blog, you might be older and not go there. You may go in the grown ups room.In Manteo church I learned " For the Son of Man came to seek and find that which was lost." Like you were once lost, you didn't know about God at all.But Jesus came to teach you about it.
And one day I built a Tinker toy microphone. It was really cool. You'll see a picture of that. And it even fit me how tall it is. It was fun making it. At first I thought that I should put an extra green one on but then I thought to just see if it would fit or not. It did fit so it was good that I thought that in time.
I miss my parents. Love Nia

They just can't "get" it.., Haiti

2010-01-21T16:32:00.003-05:00

First let me say what I am about to blog does not intend to suggest that those of you who are my friends and neighbors have done something wrong. What I will write about it what is happening inside of me..in my own head...

For the most part I have managed pretty well to stay calm during this horific week. I have shared with others the many amazing things that God has allowed Gwenn and Nick and the team to be involved with in Haiti. It is easier to talk about CNN and the Wall Street Jounal, air traffic control, sleeping outside than to say "My daugher is in peril of her life." Cause that is a real conversation stopper.
Every minute of every day I am thinking about Haiti. It's people, my family, it's pain, it's desperation. I wonder about some of the friends I have met there. My deaf friends..are they ok? are they alive?? do they have someone to talk to who understands their hands and their hearts??
At work I look at my line of customers who say "How are you?" the customary greeting in the United States that really doesn't expect an honest answer. And I want to shot "My daughter is in Haiti! How should I be?" But I don't I say "I'm fine, how are you doing today?" to which they answer "good." When really are they? Did their mother die last week or was their brother just arrested? I want to talk this thing out but really..they don't get it. Not anymore than I "get it" when someone is going throught a divorce or loosing their home or someone who just lost a baby. So really I understand when they say "How is your daughter?" and then move on to a lighter subject.
Yesterday did not start well. I turned on the computer on the off chance that Gwenn would be on line and I could say "good morning", instead the message come over face book "Haiti hit with a 6.1 aftershock!" I cried and prayed and frantically searched for any info I could find. I called my boss crying and saying I would not be coming in." It was a very few minutes later that Leann assured me that they were all ok. (thank you my precious messanger :)
The rest of the day I was fragile.On my way to my doctor appointment I called up my best friend Candy who lost a child when he was three some 10 years ago. I remembered how important it was for her to talk about her son Micah and how hard it was to do. Because nobody "got it". She helped me to sort out my feeling assureing me that what I was experiecing was a sort of greif even if it did not involve death.
I continued to my manogram appointment (I know..poke your mind's eye out with a stick!) While the tech was doing what she does I said to her "Take some pretty pictures, I don't want any more bad news!" Then I told her "My daughter lives in Haiti." To which she relied " I am from Haiti!" I was floored! She is a very light skinned black woman, not the darker brown that I mostly see in Haiti. She shared with me that she moved her basically for protection in the 1970's. A member of her family had been killed and they feared for their life. She did return often to visit family and friends. Her cousin died in the quake. Her uncle, a surgeon was working non stop in a small town not to far from where my daughter is. Finally, someone who loves Haiti, finally someone who "got it". The sad truth is..I want to think I "got it" for her...but did I?

http://www2.wnct.com/nct/news/local/article/manteo_woman_uses_facebook_to_talk_with_daughter_in_haiti/96239/

2010-01-18T22:37:00.002-05:00

http://www2.wnct.com/nct/news/local/article/manteo_woman_uses_facebook_to_talk_with_daughter_in_haiti/96239/

Opinion page editor's view: They are hope of Haiti - Utica, NY - The Observer-Dispatch

2010-01-18T22:37:00.001-05:00

Opinion page editor's view: They are hope of Haiti - Utica, NY - The Observer-Dispatch

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Opinion page editor's view: They are hope of Haiti - Utica, NY - The Observer-Dispatch

2010-01-18T22:34:00.001-05:00

Opinion page editor's view: They are hope of Haiti - Utica, NY - The Observer-Dispatch

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God Speaks to my Heart..Jacmel, Haiti

2010-01-18T14:21:00.003-05:00

A few months ago my husband who would rather not fly signed up to go to Haiti and be part of a work team from my daughter's chuch. They planned to start building the first of eight homes for Haitian Children's Home. The land had aready been purchased largley due to the generousity of Crosspointe Church in Cary,NC. Plans were being made, dates were set, paper work begun and then the trip fell throught. There would be no building on the land yet, the funds were not there to begin.
Had they gone on this trip, my husband (Gwenn's dad) and Ken Mangine (Nick's dad) would have been in Haiti for the earth quake. I am not saying that they could not have been useful there but I do believe that God knew that Bev and I would need our husbands around when we got the news "Earthquake!" Our emotional mother and grandmother hearts were glad to not being without our husbands during this difficult week.
That aside I feel like the Lord was showing me that in spite of funding the building did begin this week. It began with obeidence from all of the Joy in Hope staff. Caring for the widows and orphans, feeding the hungry, praying with the wounded, brining a cool drink to a dry and thirsty land. Working in unity for the common good.
And the building site,the land that was to have mortar and stone buildings,well now itwill house a 250 bed clinic to provide healing to a wounded community.
God did begin to build on the land just on time. Right when he set it in the hearts of men to do it,but He wanted to set the corner stone. The capstone. He is building both phyically, emotionally and spiritually. Unless the Lord builds a house he who labors, labors in vain.
With thanksgiving to the Rock of our foundaiton.

Thank you Jabez

2010-01-17T02:47:00.001-05:00

I sit here in the quiet at nearly 3 AM. The wall clock softly chimes out to remind me that I really should be going to sleep. I have had this thought swimming around in my head all day.
When my dauther Gwenn first became aquainted with Danny and Leanne Pye founders of Haitian Chilren's Home she liked them but fell in love with their son Jabez. He was just a little bitty baby but he had something special about him that drew her in. Danny and Leann had brought this precious baby into their home because his mother had died in childbirth. He had some severe problems related to his birth. He never spoke words, walked or even stood us. But his smile made up for what he lacked elsewhere. Jabez only lived a few short years but his impact is now felt throughout the world.
See what I was thinking was that Jabez really was the one who turned Gwenn's heart to Haiti. When she and Nick decided to move to Haiti their church, Crosspointe in Cary was amazing support. In fact, in one week they raised like $422,000 to purchase land in Jacmel.And because they purchansed the land there are officals from Canada who want to seet up a 250 bed clinic on the land to serve victims of the earthquake.
Because of the money that has come in to Joy in Hope, thousands of people are being feed. All of it comes down to this: obedience. Danny, Leann, Gwenn, Nick, the church, the Canadians and yes Jabez. His short life touched the world. And as I see even now that hope is rising out of the rubble and I want to say thank you Jabez because though we have never met, you have changed my life.

Haiti and Mr. Rogers

2010-01-16T06:56:00.000-05:00

I flipped from CNN this morning who was reporting the same tragic stories over and over about life and death in PortAuPrince, Haiti. I wanted more information. Just not that information. Today my grandchildren are being evacuated. As I went through the channels I paused. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood was on. I long for the quiet and comfort of his land of make believe. His soothing voices that tells us that it ok to cry and every one is special. Thanks Fred for a little bit of quiet.

Jesus in the Garden

2010-01-13T06:10:00.001-05:00

As I lay in my sleepless bed this morning my phone rang. It was Gwenn only the connection did not go through. I lie there with my mother's mind racing ahead with it's mother's imagations. In my mind I could hear Gwenn's voice sobbing "Mommy, I can't do this!" Just as this was was playing out in my mind I turned over in bed in my darkened room. The living room door was slighty ajar casting a light on my bedroom wall. This light created a perfect cross. It stopped me quick and brought me back to a night 2000 years ago. Jesus in the garden crying out to His Father "Father take this cup from me." But it was the Father's will to allow this to happen. Jesus could have choosen not to go to the cross but He did not. He choose to obey and to be in the Father's will even though it meant he would suffer.
Gwenn had a choice not to go to Haiti but she choose to obey. Even though it means she will suffer.
God does not take this cup from his children at times. Sometimes it is His will for His children to pay the price so that others may be saved.
Gwenn and Nick could be drinking down their first cup of coffee and watching this story unfold on CNN. Instead they are drinking the cup that God has choosen for them.
Thank you Jesus for the cross.

Earthquake in Haiti and in my heart.

2010-01-12T22:14:00.002-05:00

Do I wish that my family was not in Haiti? No, not really. Is that bad? Do I wish I were in Haiti? I think so. Is that wrong?
Gwenn once told me when we were speaking about safety issues in Haiti that "I am safer inside the will of God in Haiti than outside the will of God anywhere else." So as the parent of a missionary I sit glued to facebook and CNN and watch the developing story. God protected my heart allowed my daughter to still have Internet service so I could get information. I fell so badly for those who wait..and wait..and wait to know if their families survived.
So my daughter has gathered with the local body of Christ in Haiti and they are laying out in a field under the stars on bed sheets.They are praying and singing. That much I know. But I also imagine in my mind the mosquitoes and the soft crying of some of the frightened children. I am happy that my daughter is there to comfort them.
I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I do know that God was there in the quaking of the earth and He will still be there in the rising of the sun. Our God is an awesome God who gives us songs in the night. Songs of peace, songs of courage, songs of comfort and songs of His undying love for His children.
38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Parent of A Missionary

2010-01-01T13:49:00.002-05:00

Today, as I sit here on New Year's Day I am reflecting on the things that I am thanful for in 2009. There are many things. But something that comes to mind right this moment is that I am thankful for Bev, for Karen and for Robin. Bev is my daughter Gwenn's mother in law. Karen and Robin I have not met in person but only here in cyber space. These woman share my heart. They sit in their living rooms and wonder about theirmissionary children.They wait for the little sound on the computer alerting them that they have a Skype phone call coming in. I wonder is like me they are thinking things like "I know people must be tired of hearing it but I have to talk about my family on the mission field." Like me I am guessing that they get frustrated with the people they meet in our country who complain about things that we now know know are just not that important. Like me they surf the web for the best airfare and start to plan their next trip before the plane hits the tarmack on this American soil. They think about malaria, aids, parasites, violence, dirty water,lack of medical provisions. And when we begin to think that no one really understands...we remember..we remember that we are not alone in this journey. There are thousnds of us who know the pain,sorrow and joy and humility and yes,pride, of being the parents of missionaries. We are bonded together and I am thankful. Thankful for those who truly understand.